Women defining themselves as wife and mother.

[MissBax]

Two separate women fiends of mine who have married in the last couple of years - have changed their instagram handles to "The Smiths" and "Mrs Jenny Jones" (not real names, obvs).
I think it's a real shame that women still feel so defined by the fact they are married. Neither of their husbands have done this - they still have their same accounts documenting beers, food, football. Meanwhile these women have gone from posting about their interests, hobbies, work etc, to just tediously posting about their lives as wives and mothers.
I'm all for women having the choice about how they present themselves of course! But I just think it's sad that they never post anything about themselves anymore, they just seem totally defined as "wife/mother".
I feel we still have a long way to go for modern day women and feminism.

Sometimes it feels like feminists are talking at cross purposes. Some think that we need to divorce ourselves from motherhood and our children so that we can be more like men and compete more effectively in the corporate world. A lot of these feminists seem to think that if you're not reaching your potential in the world of work then you are doing a disservice to women and the feminist cause*

Do many people think that? I didn't "divorce myself from motherhood and children"- I chose not to be stay at home mother. It worked for me and is what I wanted. Being financially independent was more

Then there is a whole other group of women who describe themselves as feminists also, but want motherhood to be acknowledged and given the importance and value it deserves. They want equality in the workplace but not at the expense of having to give up all notions of motherhood being important and special.

Both these groups seem to call themselves "radical feminists"

Bugger posted too soon.

Do many people think that? I didn't "divorce myself from motherhood and children"- I chose not to be stay at home mother. It worked for me and is what I wanted. Being financially independent was more important than being a sahm. I don't think other women's choices not to pursue a career have much bearing on anyone other than themselves.

Then there is a whole other group of women who describe themselves as feminists also, but want motherhood to be acknowledged and given the importance and value it deserves. They want equality in the workplace but not at the expense of having to give up all notions of motherhood being important and special

Both these groups seem to call themselves "radical feminists"

The latter group would seem to me to be more entitled to call themselves "radical feminists".

Here's what I want:

More men to do as my dh did, offer to become a sahd or work part time and do a bloody good job of it. Of course he defines himself as a Dad and posts lots of stuff about the kids

Women to feel they don't have to offer to be a sahm or part time Mum as an alternative to child care because their dp staying home is an excellent alternative

High quality subsidised child care to be available for those where both parents want to woth

Work places to offer their best leadership opportunities as part time or job share to both men and women whether they are parents or not

People not to gloat about having partners/spouses too often. It becomes normative.

I like hearing about people's kids but GOOD GRIEF I wish the sm platforms would invent a cat filter!!

'Part time mum?!' Sorry about that slip up.

I dont disagree with you GardenGeek (And I know cat people love other cat people's cat posts!) but i would like to see a society where as many men are absorbed in their children (or cats) as women.

I put plasters on Andrea Leadsoms child’s knees and gave them naice ice lollies. I out parented her with her own children

Can I be prime minister please?

I have never felt so myself, so happy, content, real, alive than I have since marrying my husband, and having our baby boy. I returned to work recently after 8 months off on maternity leave and while I enjoy my job, my joy comes almost entirely from being a wife and a mother. And so that's how I define myself. Is that really so wrong?

In a similar vein but not the same, I find it very difficult that my friends with young children seem to only want to discuss their children

Many years ago I went to a baby group with dc1, I mentioned something I'd seen on the news earlier that day. The looks I got were unbelievable...it was like I'd committed some social faux pas...after that I stuck to cooing over babies and asking how much they weighed when they were born

All I keep thinking when I read this thread is 'give it a few years op' when your friends kids get to school age and are less ever present in the parents lives. You will be seeing fewer #blessed posts about fulfillment through parenthood. In my 40s now and I am seeing a lot more posts about running marathons, maps of daily run routes, mid life crisis sport cars, exotic holidays etc. Yawn! I seriously started missing the pictures of toddlers covered in food etc. Funnily enough now the only two people on my FB newsfeed posting pictures of their kids constantly are male and new dad's.

I do have one FB friend with a combination profile she has mashed together her name and her partner's ... Ick, but whatever. Smacks of insecurity. The patriarchy has a role in the way women feel they have to portray themselves, but so does empty consumerism and capitalism, patriarchy is not functioning in a vacuum.

Also that being a “wife” seems to still be viewed as an achievement whereas being a husband does not. For it to be equal either both are an ahivement or neither is.

An excellent point. And frankly, some of the men my friends have married - these men should count this as a huge fucking over achievement ...

Being a husband is no more of an “achievement” than being a wife. Finding love, making it last and creating a happy family is an achievement that a couple makes together.

If women view being a wife as an “achievement”, more fool them...

@LassWiADelicateAir
It's not really a WOHM/SAHM thing but more the focus on compartmentalising our lives. Lots of women have said on this thread that they do find stages of motherhood all consuming or the focus of their lives but yet I believe a lot of feminists think that mothers should be able to completely divorce themselves from this when at work/posting on social media etc. It's almost like if we admit how important being a mother is to us then we will be seen as inferior to men who don't seem to have this emphasis on parenthood.

I guess it's the age old problem of do we achieve equality through seeking to drop all the traits/behaviours/activities/wife work that is currently seen as inferior or do we seek to change the perception and value placed on these things?

"In a similar vein but not the same, I find it very difficult that my friends with young children seem to only want to discuss their children"

If you managed to have very small children without them being all-consuming, bully for you. But not everybody manages (or wants) that. I didn't read a book or go to the cinema or do anything much for myself, for years. I found babies and toddlers utterly all-consuming, not wholly by choice, i was just up to my eyeballs as I had three of them. Now they are older, I'm finding time again for other interests and it's great. Judging mothers for being in the thick of caring work is pretty unfeminist as I see it. Part of patriarchy is the devaluing of caring responsibilities and their coding as lowly 'women's work'. Some of you have bought into that hook line and sinker. Wtf is this bollocks that feminism is not about choice?! The implication is that caring for small children is such lowly unimportant work that nobody should be able to freely choose it. The corollary of this is that childcare and domestic labour should be farmed out - presumably to working class women on minimum wage. Some feminism!

Frogsoup is right. It's not feminist to look down on women for whom the baby days are all consuming. Women's liberation is not about copying the male stereotype of life continuing much the same as before becoming a parent. Childcare matters. Decent allowances for SAHP would be a start.

Me, although I had proper maternity leave after DC1 was born, by the time I had DC2 I had lost my job (sex discrimination) and started my own business. I worked until 10 days before the birth and was back a few weeks later. On neither occasion did I feel terrible pangs over leaving the DC. I was more than happy with their care and I loved my work.

We need to like each other more. There are more than enough men around to criticize our choices.

I'm grateful for the women I met at the school gate and still know today. Between us we were a mix of full and part time employed and SAHM. Never a word of criticism for our various choices in more than 15 years.

@prawnofthepatriarchy "We need to like each other more. There are more than enough men around to criticize our choices." Absolutely. Big Hugs. xx

Aw, thanks, Smiths