"Planning my wedding as a non-binary bride"

[53rdWay]

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/jun/05/planning-my-wedding-as-a-non-binary-bride

"When I walk down the aisle this time, in front of every person who knows me, it will be as someone who lives in their body. Not a bride on a cake, but as myself, a person who is too complicated for the simple rituals that are the pattern of our lives."

Unlike the rest of us, who are 100% cool with compulsory femininity and aren't nearly complicated enough to be more than cake-decoration brides!

It's annoying but I feel more sorry for her than anything. This, e.g.:

“I’m in a body that isn’t saying the right things. It’s not me,” I explained. “I feel like I’m wearing a rubber suit all the time and nobody can see me inside it.”

Welcome to living with a female body under patriarchy! Join the feminists who are trying to bring the system down for everybody, not just the few special souls who are Not Like The Other Girls.

Oh. My. God. What a load of hideously narcissistic bollocks. When is this ridiculous zeitgeist of obsession with identity going to leave us?!

And yes, three cheers for Uncle Brian. He sounds rather fab.

Is it just me though or is the bit about the uncle seeing her in her underwear and commenting on her bum a bit creepy?

I don't think you get to that level of messed up without some help on the way.

"but as myself, a person who is too complicated for the simple rituals that are the pattern of our lives."

I'm so speshuuuuuulllllllllll!!! Not like all those cis women who are perfectly happy with the ridiculous expectations of performing femininity.

When people ask why 'cis' is offensive, they should be directed to this article. If you are a woman who doesn't want to conform to the bullshit stereotypes of society, including where weddings are concerned, that doesn't make you fucking non-binary. It makes you a woman who doesn't want to conform to the bullshit stereotypes of society.

I think that's a key point, changeypants. There are plenty of gay people who have faced real struggles and had to fight tough battles to gain acceptance. This is just a perfectly ordinary heterosexual woman appropriating the language of gay people's oppression. It's incredibly insulting.

On a more shallow note I, too, am loving the Grace Kelly pictures.

It makes me sad and angry that a generation of girls and young women are growing up thinking that there is something wrong with them/ their bodies, simply because they don't want to be sexually objectified by men, or even because they want to choose their own clothes

But there isn't is there? She must be at least mid-30s. Her only problem is that she
doesn't understand that everyone thinks they are not like everyone else.

Re the Grace Kelly V&A exhibition- yes it was fab.

My wedding dress was black velvet.

On a more shallow note I, too, am loving the Grace Kelly pictures

Nothing shallow about it. Her dresses were works of art.

oh crap hackmum

i've just come out as queer to my OH. he's a millenial so should be cool with it.

Christ, if she feels like she's wearing a rubber suit that hides who she is, she should try being fat and seeing how many people a) cater for you to an extent you feel like yourself and b) are willing to 'see through' that to the super-special person inside.

I struggle with the idea that she is somehow uniquely special because she doesn't want to wear a meringue wedding dress, but doesn't want to wear a tux either.

The idea that literally everyone else - male, female, gay, lesbian, trans, other - is somehow represented online and in the media, but she is so uniquely special in feeling like a woman who doesn't normally wear dresses that there is no corner of the internet for her is bizarre and makes me wonder if she has ever listened to any other woman for long enough to realise that most of us feel like that.

Isn't the thing with Weddings nowadays that everyone wants to make it unique and special and different to anyone else's? So isn't she just conforming?

Haven't actually read the article yet but I assume from her POV I must now be a non-binary demisexual trans reading through everyone else's interpretation of the article on here.

(On a side note, saw people now actually identifying as non-binary trans, I am so confused by that - surely bit of an oxymoron?)

Wtf is a non binary bride?

As my DM would have said, “There are some VERY silly people in the world, dear”.

Loving the Grace Kelly pics

Isn't the thing with Weddings nowadays that everyone wants to make it unique and special and different to anyone else's? So isn't she just conforming?

Exactly.

Stand aside ladies, let this gay woman show you how it's done: people.com/style/nico-tortorella-matching-wedding-outfits-bethany-meyers/

'“If you had to label it, Nico and I are in a queer polyamorous relationship. Labels that help people understand, but not labels that define us. Most think we planned this and one day decided we would be multiple-love kind of people. We didn’t. It’s just the way our relationship developed over 12 years,” she told them. “We became polyamorous without ever really trying, and we let each other go so often; I guess we finally realized it’s the reason we are impenetrable. It’s hard to break something that bends.”'

I didn't get married in a white meringue either - am I queer too, or just a goth who prefers sleek to pouffy? Honestly, the main issue with people like this is that they honestly believe that they're the only people in the world who aren't walking stereotypes. It's like they think they (and maybe a few selected friends) are the only real humans and everyone else around them is a sort of doll/toy soldier with no inner life.

So basically "queer" equals "narcissistic personality disorder". Maybe they can create a narc pride flag.

Labels that help people understand

It is the opposite of this. Labels that exhibit such extraordinary specialness that mere mortals can only look on in awe.

Labels that provide an excuse to talk about yourself at great length while applying enough social pressure that others feel manipulated into proving you with a captive audience.

Providing, even.

Just another manifestation of the cult of celebrity for nothing.

Whoever mentioned the demise of class analysis up thread - spot on. This type of ‘wokeness’ is so neo-liberal and individualistic it’s riduculous. It demands we all bow down at the altar of personal choice and pay no heed to the affects those choices have on others. It’s so capitalist and establishment really isn’t it?

Non binary is totally throwing other women under the bus imho. I tried to be supportive for so long but I just can’t. It addresses the same problem (bullshit gender roles) but seeks only to liberate the individual who ‘opts out’ and not women as a class. It’s the easy way out, it puts all the responsibility into each individual and not society. But it doesn’t work. Society still sees you as your sex, your sexed body still dictates how you are treated. You cannot demand everyone change their perception of you, because it’s not under your control (and it never will be). Being so individually focused and self centred that’s when we get the meltdowns, the harsh reality that identity is not all about your own self perception but how society and other people classify you.

Hmmmm, well, um, can someone in touch with the new definitions tell me what I am. No wedding dress (prob something John Lewis), no bridesmaids, no “walking down the aisle”, rings but no readings, no treating me like a flipping trophy. Do i get to tick a special box on job applications now?
No I don’t, I’m a woman marrying a man. Details are irrelevant for everyone not involved. There are lots and lots of reason to celebrate specific weddings. Wearing a slightly less frilly dress warrants appearance on “say yes to the dress” or “don’t tell the bride”. My mum and dad had a non binary wedding. Friday afternoon at the registry office in their work clothes and me toddling about in the background. They were feminists (depending on how you feel about male feminists) and support anyone’s right to live how they want. But not the right to make anyone else care about it.

Now you've done it Lass

Black velvet if you please...

changey: why have gay men not done more to stop this?

They were the ones who welcomed that TG trojan horsie into the LGB. Only now are a few of them waking up. Sheesh.

Wtf is a non binary bride?

I was a hexadecimal bride ...

A goddess, emerging from a cloud. The bodice was sculpted in folds and layers, making the gown look like a classical Grecian statue

That line from the article is hilarious. Surely she must see how feminine that all is?

I wanted to feel on my wedding day: powerful, calm, self-possessed, strong

again... isn't that how majority of women what to feel, regardless of it being their wedding day?