"Planning my wedding as a non-binary bride"

[53rdWay]

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/jun/05/planning-my-wedding-as-a-non-binary-bride

"When I walk down the aisle this time, in front of every person who knows me, it will be as someone who lives in their body. Not a bride on a cake, but as myself, a person who is too complicated for the simple rituals that are the pattern of our lives."

Unlike the rest of us, who are 100% cool with compulsory femininity and aren't nearly complicated enough to be more than cake-decoration brides!

It's annoying but I feel more sorry for her than anything. This, e.g.:

“I’m in a body that isn’t saying the right things. It’s not me,” I explained. “I feel like I’m wearing a rubber suit all the time and nobody can see me inside it.”

Welcome to living with a female body under patriarchy! Join the feminists who are trying to bring the system down for everybody, not just the few special souls who are Not Like The Other Girls.

Jeez, the author must have zero female friends. I mean, if she knew any other women, had had any conversation about life, marriage, society's expectations with her mates over a beer then surely she would have found a bucket load of kindred spirits seeing as how she's described how pretty much EVERY woman feels. Not that I know what every woman feels like but I know my friends and female colleagues feel similar.

Heresy because they're pushing the boundaries of accepted definitions and loving telling the rest of us how we're all so square. Etc etc. Some people are stuck at the age of about 14 as far as I can tell, never grow out of the teenage self obsession, self analytical phase. The rest of us get up, put clothes on according to our tastes and get on with our actual lives.

More Grace Kelly.

I'm trying to avoid clicking on any Grauniad links. It's my pathetic nose-snub at their stance on gender / trans. cutting off my own nose because Felicity Cloake is fab

Is the Grauniad allowing comments? I can't tell on mobile.

@StealthPolarBear

Well said!

Jesus, what a self absorbed pile of shite
I’m far more complicated than all you simple people... Wtf?
Why are these halfwits given airtime? Who do they imagine cares?

Just shows there's nothing new under the sun - it used to be that if you were female you had to dress femininely and perform feminity otherwise you weren't a 'proper' woman. Quashing individuality because you happened to be female. Now it's that you're not understood to be female if you don't dress femininely and perform feminity as anything deviating from that is now the domain of transpeople and special snowflakes. Quashing individuality because you happen to be female.

I agree with PP: the wedding industry has such a stranglehold on human ideas of what a wedding is that people can’t see clearly and just do what suits them.

It's curious, that the trans/non binary/genderqueer movement seems to rail against labels and restrictive norms, whilst spawning a million new labels to slap on everyone, whether they want a new label or not.

There's a perfectly acceptable word to describe the subject of the article, which is "human". We're all a bit odd, at bottom. It's a bizarre coupling of teenage tribalism and the teenage yearning to be exceptional and unique, I guess.

It is narcissistic and utterly self-absorbed, no question.

But: I think the reason we’re seeing so much of that at the moment is so many women uncritically believing that ALL that matters w/r/t is identity and personal choice. No oppressive systems, no class hierarchy, no social coercion (except being socially coerced out of your identity).

So when it comes to something like the wedding industry, when this woman’s facing all the standard bollocks about what women are supposed to like and think and feel, plus her experience of a controlling ex wanting her to be more feminine, she can’t say “this system is shit” or “women are being treated badly”. The only language she has is “everyone else’s personal choices don’t suit me” and “my gender identity is not being respected”.

Plus like Dworkin said about right-wing women buying into sex roles: women will make all sorts of compromises to survive on men’s terms. And being ‘non-binary’ gets you patted on the back by all the progressive men who are happy to abuse and threaten radical feminists.

I just rolled my eyes so hard I think they might be stuck!

She/he/it/ze needs a chat with Inigo Montoya about the word dyke.

You don’t want to wear a wedding dress? Don’t.
You want to draw attention to that? Expect opinions.

And as for the PP who made this all about trans - it’s really getting boring now.

but as myself, a person who is too complicated for the simple rituals that are the pattern of our lives."

Ohh you are just sooo special!!! We other mere mortals are just convention-driven robots!!!

Note to bride: You are a self-absorbed narcissist, with all the empathy and self-awareness of a doorknob.

Long time lurker, first time feminism poster but this one took the biscuit. WTAF? I don't know whether to be sad or mad. Why do people crave lables so very very much? Also the writing style made me irrationally angry.

Being a women is not about the costume, or about riding bikes, or who you fancy or anything really. It just is. And it doesn't matter. Or shouldn't, and once we get to that point that will be lovely. This regressive nonsense surely just reinforces gender stereotypes. I'm sorry people feel so boxed in by their gender. Let's change that shall we?

.

I agree Babybed. The current ‘wokeness’ only serves to reinforces gender stereotypes, under the guise of rejection. It’s all bullshit.

Wear what you want. No one cares. But while you’re so busy impressively smashing gender stereotypes and being young and stunning and brave, could you please do something about the patriarchy, female oppression and Male violence? Thanks.

Thanks Stealth for explaining what I suspected. I really dislike this watering down what words actually mean. Words are supposed to describe reality, not be used as labels.

I am late to this type of discussion but it seems to me that she is looking to people to evaluate her via her dress choice ?

I am 65. I myself got married in a suit and changed into a pretty grecian type trouser suit for night. ( made by myself - still proud of that ) Not because of any crisis about my identity but because that is what I was comfortable wearing. I did not consult with anyone about my choices of apparel . Except for the fact that my fiance came " wedding dress " shopping with me ; he just went with the tried and tested " wear what you want to wear " I do not remember any time spent in navel gazing

The writer is stunningly self absorbed and completely out of date and out of tune not only with today's times but the times of generations gone by.

Definitely not a ground breaking nor thought breaking action. So wear the dress and stop boring people FFS

That article. I have no words.

I agree with PP: the wedding industry has such a stranglehold on human ideas of what a wedding is that people can’t see clearly and just do what suits them

No it really isn't that difficult. Loads of people do exactly that.

Having thought about it a bit more I'm actually finding it really sad.

Here is a woman with a clear sense that she has lost her autonomy somehow and that this has to do with her female body. But she has been gaslighted to the point where the only solution she can come up with to the problem of regaining her power is to stand up to her uncle about how many frills she wants on her wedding dress. Presumably this is unusually assertive for her as it is being presented as a victory of self-expression.

It's like a satire on female socialisation.

I love this wedding dress.

Do you think it is a joke?

As I pondered it on the train (wearing my navy trousers, men's trainers, plain blue t-shirt and burgundy jacket, no frills yet still a woman), I found myself trying to write a parody version but I just ended up with the original with the author as Carrie Bradshaw.