"Planning my wedding as a non-binary bride"

[53rdWay]

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/jun/05/planning-my-wedding-as-a-non-binary-bride

"When I walk down the aisle this time, in front of every person who knows me, it will be as someone who lives in their body. Not a bride on a cake, but as myself, a person who is too complicated for the simple rituals that are the pattern of our lives."

Unlike the rest of us, who are 100% cool with compulsory femininity and aren't nearly complicated enough to be more than cake-decoration brides!

It's annoying but I feel more sorry for her than anything. This, e.g.:

“I’m in a body that isn’t saying the right things. It’s not me,” I explained. “I feel like I’m wearing a rubber suit all the time and nobody can see me inside it.”

Welcome to living with a female body under patriarchy! Join the feminists who are trying to bring the system down for everybody, not just the few special souls who are Not Like The Other Girls.

The writer is stunningly self absorbed and completely out of date and out of tune not only with today's times but the times of generations gone by.

Actually, I think the writer is nicely positioned at the edge of things. If there's one thing this current generation of narcissists simply love, it's to do just what was done in the past but to rebrand it as cutting edge, brave, radical, etc. The remarkable thing is that they're met not with derision but instead when they plaster it all over social media they get more validation of their stunning braveness than one could imagine possible.

No it's not a joke.

Having thought about it a bit more I'm actually finding it really sad

Having read it again- no, it is still raging narcissism.

but as myself, a person who is too complicated for the simple rituals that are the pattern of our lives.

It makes me sad and angry that a generation of girls and young women are growing up thinking that there is something wrong with them/ their bodies, simply because they don't want to be sexually objectified by men, or even because they want to choose their own clothes.

Being a woman includes owning your own feelings about your body and making your own choices. How on earth did we as a society get to the point where not complying with stereotypes means you must be trans?

I feel a bit sorry for the woman in this article, if the confusion is genuine and not just a writerly attempt to hitch onto the bandwagon. She seems to think that rebelling against cultural expectations of femininity is a marker for being transgender, and that she'll have to submit to labelling herself as male because she doesn't comply.

That last wedding dress makes me want to get married in a snowy wonderland

Lass I am loving your work on this thread. Did you see the exhibition at the V&A? Gorgeous.

This is another one of those where I feel like two years with a good therapist would make all the difference. It's navel gazing without any actual insight.

No one gives a flying fuck what you wear to your own wedding. Are people so self absorbed these days that every sodding thing has to be a media statement about "me me me" being so freaking amazing, so revolutionary- -no you really arent-- and 'different'.

Its a wedding. Wear what you want. Rock up. Get married. End of. Really simple. Being female doesnt change a thing about your own wedding choices.

Use all that self absorbed energy on real issues that face women in a world thats going insane in regards to actual women having any rights left by the time all those 'special' people have joined the patriarchy to muddy the waters and errode them.

She’s seen loads of pictures on the internet of women getting married in suits, her husband would be totally happy for her to wear a suit but actually she has chosen to wear a dress despite being the sort of person who doesn’t wear dresses and is now feeling like she needs to justify her choice by pointing out the lack of frills.

Rather than society expecting her to wear a big white meringue it reads like she feels that society is expecting her to wear a suit. Perhaps because of the YouTube videos and making a big deal about being different?

SHE is from portland thats all i need to know really....honestly do these non binary identifying people think that all women feel frilly and feminine and girly and all the other stereotypes.....there is something functionally wrong with their thought processes if thats what they truly believe . Unless you have gender dysphoria you are just an attention seeker or have other psychological/emotional issues....in my opinion anyway

honestly do these non binary identifying people think that all women feel frilly and feminine and girly and all the other stereotypes

Yes I think so.

Oops I think I’m non binary without realising. I got married in a jumpsuit that I stumbled on in the sale in Ted Baker and decided on the spot it would do. I had about 5 minutes where I considered whether I should be going for something more traditional and be trying to involve my sister and my mum and then thought nope can’t be arsed it’s my wedding and I’m happy with this.

I can sort of see where she's coming from but I don't really understand why she is getting married. By definition, with a marriage, you have a bride and groom (or bride and bride or groom and groom). You are then a husband or a wife. You can't be non-binary though you can easily swap around or strip it of all gendered symbols (wedding dress, tux etc).

That's a reason why I'm in favour of extending civil partnerships for opposite sex couples. I personally don't want to be a bride. I don't want to be a wife and I don't want a husband for many reasons - gendered expectations, history...it is just my feelings. I'm delighted when others get married and are happy, I've even shed the odd tear at the weddings of friends! Currently, I'm patiently waiting for the law to change. If it doesn't, well it's one of those things. I'm happy enough that marriage was extended to same-sex couples which was of far greater priority than my quibbles.

Civil partnerships are non-binary and gender neutral. Maybe the writer should be campaigning for their extension rather than getting married and whinging.

The point I came away with was:

blimey. She has one hell of a tolerant, patient and generous Uncle Brian.

FFS. I spent my youth in trousers. Sometimes they were girl's trousers, sometimes my male cousins hand-me-downs. It didn't matter - they were clothes which performed a basic requirement of covering me in a way suitable to climb trees/ride a horse. Other times I wore very frilly girly things, to climb trees/ride a horse. At no point did the choice of clothing define me.
I appreciate good tailoring, because tailoring can both reveal who I am and hide it. But it does not define my personality.
Nor does my refusing to be pigeon-holed sartorially make me anything other than a woman being herself, and dressing to suit her mood!
Perhaps I am missing something, but navel-gazing to this extent doesn't seem to do anything helpful and in fact just seems to create another set of labels to force women to choose from, rather than just being who they are! (Doesn't help that this author's narcissism really makes me cross and unwilling to empathise)

It's like something EL James would write.

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Regardless of the topic and its "non-binary" subject, it's just a garbage piece of writing that the Guardian calls "exceptional".

I started to read it and couldn't be arsed to finish. It's an extended, overwritten stealth-boast from someone trying to be recognised as a Serious Writer.

The problem here is a media that relies on volume of content, and will publish any old pile of narcissistic shite if it masquerades as 'a struggle'.

Oh dear lord. I have the style sense of a teenage boy, have attended events in a hired suit from Moss Bros and didn't wear a 'wedding' dress for my wedding.
Pass me the superior snowflake badge...

The woman in the article has a very narrow frame of reference. She's not non-binary, she's a feminist — she just doesn't see it. And this is the triumph of the trans movement: replacing feminism with gender identity. Identity politics say that it's not the (patriarchal) system that's the problem, it's you as a person not identifying right. That explains the inward-looking, self-obsessed nature of so many non-binaries and the like. Instead of which, if you say 'I'm okay, t's the f**king patriarchal system that's making me feel so uncomfortable' you instantly feel better about yourself. Angry, of course, but better too.

Went to a lesbian wedding the other day. Both brides in jackets and trousers. Register office ceremony, lunch and drinks at a bar, afternoon in the park playing games with friends. Better than a fancy-pants wedding with all the consumerist hoo-ha any day.

Also... For someone who's 'wearing the wrong body' she's awfully keen to make the reader aware that SHE'S GOT A REALLY GREAT BUTT, OK?

no time to read the whole thread so apologies if already been said....

what strikes me about the identities this really compartively traditional woman is assuming, and identities like "demi sexual" as mentioned by PP and the one where you only want to have sex some of the time, what strikes me is that they all seem to be about taking a personal responsibility for things that are not in fact ones fault.

of course not all people want to perform the gender stereotypes of femininity and masculinity. they are imposed upon us

of course some people only want to have sex with their partner. i only feel attracted to men who know what a clitoris is and how it works. that's quite a few men i don't fancy there.

it is natural to only want sex some of the time. one thing the mass consumption of female contraceptive pill has done is mask the ebb and flow of desire that comes with ovulation and the female cycle. also many of us are not even taught about this!!

i think it is interesting to consider who gains from a culture of taking personal responsibility for these environmental failings? if we all change our identities and even our bodies to deal with the discomfort felt with the environmental situation, then what are we not doing? we are not challenging the way men have sex; we are not challenging the way society imposes stereotypes; we are not challenging the institution of marriage etc etc.

Oh, this is the same author:

mobile.nytimes.com/2018/06/01/style/modern-love-neither-male-nor-female-seems-to-fit.html

For a millennial like me, this is like saying, “I’m not like other girls.”

But really, I wasn’t like other girls. Not even a little.

So close, and yet so far away...

Yy changeypants, well said.

Not sure if anyone else already posted this, but she also wrote this: What happens when a transgender person, who fantasizes about having an androgynous body, falls for a straight man who loves female curves?.

It opens: ““I’m queer,” I told Charlie. A soft opener. For a millennial like me, this is like saying, “I’m not like other girls.”

But really, I wasn’t like other girls. Not even a little.”

Oops not clickable! But this is the article:

mobile.nytimes.com/2018/06/01/style/modern-love-neither-male-nor-female-seems-to-fit.html

Great minds think alike, 53rd...

also hands up who realises they are definitely queer after reading that article. in fact a heck of a lot queerer than the author!!

really really shocking how badly the struggles of homosexual people have been appropriated. i get how lesbians must have been easier to push aside, why have gay men not done more to stop this?