Your Teenage Child tells you they think they are Transgender

[sallyannemum]

Your teenage child tells you they think they are transgender, they have researched the subject on the internet and talked to others, What would your reaction be ?,

claraschu
My posts were not an attempt to shut down responses. They were written one after the other as a result of my own thought processes. I said something and then wanted to say something else. If you noted I did say I was on a rant. Whilst I hate that word, it should have been clear that I was attempting to express my views albeit the stream of consciousness was maybe not the most prudent. I was not seeking validation. I was simply saying that the question being put hypothetically is unfair as it will be difficult for any critical parent who is actually going through this and who disagrees with the transgender ideology to have a voice that is not seen as transphobic. Until we are in this situation, like I am, it is impossible to really know. We can conjecture as much as possible but I think it is important to acknowledge the destruction this brings to the family. Drugs and surgery are serious. So my question is this. Would it be OK if your teen said I want to cut of my balls and invert my penis to make a neo vaginas that I will have to dilate daily? Would it be OK if your child said I want drugs, that will grow me breasts? Would it be OK if I forget I existed and reinvent myself?
I would say no to all of this and recognise my child is in mental pain but no therapist will explore these feelings. They now must affirm.
The question
What would you say if your child said they were transgender should also have acknowledged the drugs and surgery. The response may have been different. The original poster made it seem benign. It most definitely is not.

Truth - you have articulated the heart of the matter. Transitioning often involves irreversible physical changes based on flimsy medical evidence of efficacy and long term safety. It is not a benign path being followed, and any parent surely would want their child to avoid that medical intervention if at all possible. That is not transphobic nor is it unsupportive. All the best to you.

If my hypothetical teenage child suggested they were transgender, I would come to Mumsnet for the sympathy, support and kindness that I know would be forthcoming. There are parents on here with children struggling with gender dysphoria and there are transgender posters as well. I would seek their advice. My biggest worry would be my child ending up in the clutches of Mermaids which would make getting medical help very nerve wracking. Ultimately, whatever my children say or do they will have my unconditional love and I would do whatever seemed best for them, like the vast majority of us would. People with terrible views like LittleGreySheep are thankfully few and far between, I hope.

What even makes you think that what I wrote was with the intent, or belief, that it would get any 'traction'?

There is no reason any of us would write anything in this forum if we did not intend or believe it would get "traction". We are people talking together. Duh.
Sometimes we are disappointed by the response. Your remarks were the sort that are often responded to differently from what is expected. Just as it was here.
We have been under attack here at FWR for weeks, so it is a bit disingenuous to accuse us of being hostile.

I think that answers your question, though I dare say you have been on AIBU long enough not to have needed to ask.

My comment on the first page comparing delusional disorders was removed.
I do think it bizarre that mods tell the person reporting why they removed the reported post but do not tell the offender how what they said violated the talk guidelines, nor even that the post was deleted.
I would not have known that I violated the talk guidelines were it not for someone on the thread saying the post was removed.
@MNHQ

This reply isn't for the OP and I shouldn't really be feeding trolls.

Not a teenager but relevant anyway...

5 years ago my Son told me he was gay but has not had a gay relationship as far as I know

12 months ago he told me he was transgender but again no relationship.

3 months ago he started a relationship with a woman - a real one.

As of today he is very much a male.

I think there are still a few twists in the road ahead but to get to my point. Apart from being supportive DW and I are playing a wait and see game. What else can you do with his orientation changing so frequently?

Spartacus the Dad

There is no reason any of us would write anything in this forum if we did not intend or believe it would get "traction". We are people talking together. Duh.

Duh right back. We are people talking together indeed. Why that would mean everything we say has to have some agenda, I do not know.

Sometimes we are disappointed by the response. Your remarks were the sort that are often responded to differently from what is expected. Just as it was here.

You seem to 'know' that I expected a particular response to certain parts of my posts and was disappointed. Neither is true. The parts you quoted were mostly in direct reply to a direct question. My intent/hope was to answer the question. The person who asked the question appears to have been satisfied with the answer, insofar as they understood something they hadn't precisly known before. It didn't change their mind. I wasn't hoping to change their mind. As I pointed out in my response to them, I agree with their point, actually. So I am perfectly satisfied with the response, I couldn't have hoped for better if I had written it with any intention of the kind. So shove your pre-judging misconceptions elsewhere please.

I think that answers your question, though I dare say you have been on AIBU long enough not to have needed to ask.

If you had cared to check, rather than flinging about assumptions, you would have seen that I have a posting history but not in AIBU (I guess I must have posted in AIBU a couple of times over the many, many years I have been here, but it is definitely not my hang out). Precisely because of the point-scoring nature it often has. The places I do post tend to be supportive, sharing experiences and knowledge, sharing insights and advice. And a few very interesting threads where I have learned a lot, from posters pointing out where I was making wrong assumptions - e.g. regarding approaches to teaching maths. That kind of thing.

I try to keep away from point-scoring; that's not what I'm here for.
I believe we are not in AIBU here. I didn't realise that AIBU style 'conversation' was asked for/expected here. In comparison to other parts of MN it does feel hostile here to me - that is simply the truth, no accusation.

We have been under attack here at FWR for weeks, so it is a bit disingenuous to accuse us of being hostile.

I understand that it is horrible to be under attack like that. May I just point out that if 'you' (the 'we' you refer to above) respond to these attacks by suspecting anyone and everyone of being a TRA in disguise, they have achieved their goals. Divide, sow mistrust, destroy the (last?) space where people can openly and constructively talk about these things and learn from each other.

I don't know what the answer is to the attacks. But I do sincerely hope that MN can come through this without losing its culture of open, constructive debate and support. Because then 'we' all lose.

In comparison to other parts of MN it does feel hostile here to me - that is simply the truth, no accusation.

If you posted a thread in FWR asking for support about something challenging you had experienced as a woman you would be likely to get that support.

But many threads are debate style threads because not everyone agrees. It may seem hostile because regular posters are constantly dealing with ploppers, sea lions and trolls and they get tired of it.

As said, many topics can seem hostile to others. Including the pet ones etc.

Thank you for the responses and they are varied some quite shocking,
One I am not a troll, I am a mum of a young person who came to me and said they were transgender, Not something a mum ever expects to hear over a cup of coffee, (thinking back a large G&T might have been better)
I did not go looking on google or any other resource on the internet,
I asked my child the usual questions as I knew they would know far more than me.
My biggest fear was others perceptions of my child and how they would react towards them. I am so pleased that I had not googled Transgender as what I have seen is very diverse and horrible, what was my child going to be faced with.
When I gave birth to my child it was love at first sight, and that love grew over the years, and is still growing even though they are a totally different child to what I gave birth to,
We are 3 years into this journey together, and we celebrate each goal, I have seen a more confident person come from it all, a happy relaxed person,
The joy on their face when a new Passport arrived with their name on the same with driving licence, This was all done with letters of support from our family GP, and name change by Deed Poll.
The gender clinic appointment came through 2 years after we started this journey which is a very long time but they were already living in their preferred gender by then.
Over the last few months I have watched the debates over gender and the abuse,
The reason I asked this question was as a female and a feminist I wanted to know other peoples reactions,
All I will say is thank you and please Love to your children should be unconditional.

I don't think love should be unconditional when your children are old enough to know right from wrong. Unrelated to your OP but I think if my children were abusive or causing harm to others I wouldn't want them in my life.

I've supported my children through all sorts of things and haven't had to sacrifice my beliefs to do so. They've made different choices, at times, than I would have made. They have known I'd have done some things differently.

I don't think challenging a societal phenomenon that seems to shore up sexist and homophobic ideas is inherently abusive. I'm just as sad about people like LittleGreySheep's responses as anyone else would be. But huge changes like this have to be explored. Individually and societally

Im genuinely pleased that having their preferred 'gender' documented has brought them happiness op. There are some horrid opinions out there regarding trans identified people, but on the whole they are very extreme and most people don't think that way, most, ime, simply recognise that it's impossible to change sex and don't feel comfortable that someone can simply say "I am a man/woman" and it is so. Because it isn't, and never will be, as you know yourself you can't become a man/woman, you are what you are biologically. all that can be changed is how they present to the world. And that's absolutely fine. Or it should be.

@sallyannemum As others will no doubt have said, there are quite a few parents on here whose children have expressed a desire to trans. I am one of them and have shared my story a few times. A gender critical approach has helped my dd greatly. I do agree unconditional love first is a given and should go without saying. For me it has also involved joining my dd in gender non conformity (though not quite to the same extent) at her request and helping steer her towards radical self acceptance and rejection of femininity. I am eternally grateful to Mumsnet radfems for helping educate me about what gender really is which has in turn helped my dd reject it instead of swapping one straightjacket for another.

Surgery was the only way to get her papers (bus pass, driving licence, bank papers, passport, ...) in line with the life she was living, the only way that allowed her to 'just live'.

How on earth is this? Surgery is not a requirement for any of those things, nor should it be..that would be barbaric.

It's reading stuff like this that makes people think that there is a hefty dose of transphobia swilling around these boards. And I say that as someone who is broadly (and increasingly) sympathetic with the radical feminist POV.

Yeah, the odd user being transphobic does make it seem the whole site and its millions of users are transphobic, you are right there. I genuinely do not get the view that because one person is a wanker, all others are too. Like, people say 'I used to be a feminist until I saw another feminist say all men should die' and stuff. One person is just one person.

Oh give over. I highly doubt your claim about radical feminism. You all give yourselves away when you use the word transphobia. Most of the actually prejudiced posts on MN are planted by TRA, and then reported and deleted.

Also agree with this. before MN was in the TRAs sights..there was maybe the odd one or two transphobic posts but they were clearly reported by users and were deleted quickly. Ever since TRAs turned their attentions to this site (after shock, horror, finding our we talk about more tyhan pushchairs!) the transphobic posts have increased a lot. I guess that the issue was that you cannot say MN is transphobic if there are next to no transphobic posts? Most normal people will not see calling a male person male as transphobia, so it has to go further than that. Its so transprent tbh.

As for the OP, I would pretty much ignore it and hope it was a phase tbh. However my children are very young, and know already that stereotypes are just that, stereotypes. Also I expect this cult like thing will have blown over by the time mine are old enough to get caught up in it, as sadly this generation of transkids will have grown up, realized whats been done to them, and maybe start suing.

Also, my last paragraph there..I don't mean ever trans kid will regret it. But there will be a lot who do.

OnTheList you were doing so well. Reading as almost reasonable until you dropped the cult bomb, which will be read as transphobic.
There's been a few lovely responses here. As a young child in who back in the early 1970s expressed trans behaviours before trans was even a thing apparently and was basically coerced into conformity by incredulous and fearful working class parents, it's been pleasure to read some of the posters' open minded support and love on this thread.

I do see it as a cult.

I also am positive that if this stuf was going on when I was a teen, I would have wanted to be trans too. Such an easy solution isn't it..I hated puberty so much and would have done anything to not go through it. I would have grabbed blockers with both hands, told whatever lies I had to to get them. And, my life would have been totally fucked. I would not have my beautiful kids, I would be stuck in a female body with male traits due to testosterone, have a broken voice, with nothing I could do about it.

It seems these days tomboys are disappearing, when they were everywhere when I was young. Now its transboys. In my stepdaughters school, 3 of the people in her year say they are transboys. And one reckoned they were a transgirl..they have been suspended now because they were permitted to use the girls areas, half of the girls started using the staff room to change and stuff, and the 'transgirl' was just, basically, a total perv. Was a huge problem for ages, I posted about it all on here under another name, they had form for touching without consent and stuff, yet the teachers still saw fit to allow him into the girls changing rooms. Huge clusterfuck. Obviously not all transgirls will be like that, but there is no denying that it just makes it easier for people like this person.

Went on a bit longer than I planned to there. But yeah, so many aspects of transactivism remind me of a cult. If acknowledging that invalidates the rest of my post, so be it.

Genuinely curious, does transgender in teens mean one with a physical discomfort of their body (eg. wish they had a vagina instead of a willy, uncomfortable with menstrual cycles etc.) or is it preference for stereotypes of the opposite sex? The only transgenders I know personally are adults, male to female who have had all the operations. They're a sort of hybrid sex really, but I don't judge them. I only have daughters but the concept of a gendered brain is controversial. Maybe boys and girls brains do develop differently but perhaps due to society's different treatment of boys and girls.

Short answer to the question is I would love my child no matter what, but I feel uncomfortable allowing teens to have irreversable surgery and hormones.

May I just point out that if 'you' (the 'we' you refer to above) respond to these attacks by suspecting anyone and everyone of being a TRA in disguise, they have achieved their goals.

We can't help but smell it when they rub our noses in it.
The rest of your word salad was based on either misunderstanding or dishonesty. Still I do want to thank you for being the kazillionth person to come to the FWR and tell us we are Feminisming wrong and need to be nice like the other girls are.

@scotsheather It can mean that yes but for many children it is fluid ie their perception of the rightness or wrongness of their body is intrinsically linked with the stories informing their identity. Those stories are a kind of dialogue between their own thoughts and the thoughts, expectations and gendered understanding of those around them. A sense of dysphoria/ dysmorphia is, itself, common in puberty irrespective of gender and can itself trigger gender fears.

The op was untruthful. They acted as if they too had a hypothetical child. Suddenly. They have been in this for 3 years and supportive if thus ideology that I personally cannot support. It was a big set up to try and prove we are all trans phobic. Little grey sheep I back you all the way. You are honest. I also think you might change your might if it hit you for real but you are right to acknowledge your belief should not be compromised either. This does not mean you don't love your child. An alternative analogy is would you suppirt your child if they were a rapist. Would you cover this up because you love them unconditionally? I hope I wouldn't. So let the people hear sit back thinking that unconditional love conquers all if that is what they believe. Unconditional love just means we will still love them but we do not have to support something we believe in. If my husband cheated on me, I would probably still love him. Do I have to accept it? Life experiences teach us that this is not the case.
Furthermore, the op set us all up. This is what irritates me. The op was affirming their child but wanted others to show a negative view. The op has been dealing with this for years and has the audacity to say they trusted their child could educate them as they googled the answer. To the op what type of patent are you who would actually trust Google. Your child needed you as a parent to say hold on let's think about this. I'm stopping now as I am so mad at a parent who isn't a oarent

Still new hear and mamj g huge typos. Hope you can work out my meaning. Not sure how to edit

@scotsheather It can mean that yes but for many children it is fluid ie their perception of the rightness or wrongness of their body is intrinsically linked with the stories informing their identity. Those stories are a kind of dialogue between their own thoughts and the thoughts, expectations and gendered understanding of those around them. A sense of dysphoria/ dysmorphia is, itself, common in puberty irrespective of gender and can itself trigger gender fears

Sorry, but this is really hard to understand! It doesn’t appear to make any sense at all. Could you explain it in simple terms please, thanks

Oh dear. Still typos
Don't want to be accused of serial, bullying post again. This is a genuine newbie response.

But because it irks me that a poster thought this, I am throwing this one in for good luck.
I would rather be hung for a sheep than a lamb!

A young person who presents as trans may or may not wish to change their body into that of the other sex and their views about their body may change. How they view themselves will be strongly affected by how others talk about their sex and what people expect of them. In other words, gender identity doesn't emerge in a vacuum. It is highly influenced by others.