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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Your Teenage Child tells you they think they are Transgender

209 replies

sallyannemum · 10/05/2018 21:06

Your teenage child tells you they think they are transgender, they have researched the subject on the internet and talked to others, What would your reaction be ?,

OP posts:
tibetantripehound · 11/05/2018 17:12

Jesus wept @littlegreysheep. That's exactly what my friend's parents said to her when she came out as gay.
They said when she was 18 she was free to live as she pleased but they never wanted to see her again and cut off all contact. They even prevented her from having contact with their wider family too.
How anyone can treat their kid like that is beyond me.
Homophobia, transphobia - two sides of the same coin.

SomeDyke · 11/05/2018 17:22

"Homophobia, transphobia - two sides of the same coin."
Nope. It isn't -- stop trying to use the experience of gay and lesbian people to prop up an ideology that is actually dangerous to gay men and lesbians!

jellyfrizz · 11/05/2018 17:30

For this reason, I support some kind of (well reflected and thought out) form of self-declaration. My sibling would not have had to have surgery if that would have been an option.
For this reason I furthermore do not think that 'trans' is a medical issue per se (though I suppose it can be). My sister was not 'ill'. It was society's gender expectations that caused her issues. There is nothing 'ill' about a male bodied person desiring to live, peacefully, in ways that are associated with female bodied people.

This is so sad brilliotic, society's gender expectations have got so much to answer for.

Can I ask how a GRC would have helped your sibling to live without physically transitioning? I have always thought that a GRC can't do much to prevent everyday discrimination but perhaps I am wrong.

ItrustAdrianlearnshislesson · 11/05/2018 17:37

“Live and let live, if you don't like someone else's lifestyle you don't have to be part of it, as long as we're all civil and respectful of one another. I absolutely defend a person's right to be trans if they want to, but it isn't something I want in my family life. If my child expressed trans feelings I'd discuss why they felt that way and try to talk them out of it. If the feelings persisted they could transition at age 18 with my blessing, when they're no longer living under my roof and we don't need to have any further contact.”

If that’s with your blessing I hate to think what without your blessing is like......

NotCisImaWoman · 11/05/2018 17:38

I'd ask them what it meant to them.

When they reply "because I like pink stuff and feel girly so according to the gender unicorn/whatever I'm a girl" I'd remind them that in our very basic biology book aimed at 6 year olds it discusses male/female body differences and that's how you know you are a male/female, not a feeling of liking girly things. I'd tell them they are beautiful as they are, perfect, that they can't become a female, but that's ok.

VioletCharlotte · 11/05/2018 17:40

I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. I think I'd say something like "ok, I'm really pleased you feel like you can open up to me, you can be whatever you like - transgender, gay, bi... it's being a good person that's important." Then I'd keep it really low key and not make a fuss. My experience of teens is that:

They change their mind like the weather.
They love a drama and the more fuss you make, the better it is.
If you oppose something, it makes it far more appealing.
If you try and rationalise what they believe, they'll feel they're not being listened to.

Pratchet · 11/05/2018 17:46

Brilliotic: what an interesting and thoughtful post.

LittleGreySheep · 11/05/2018 17:47

@tibetantripehound I'd probably say the same if my child was gay, or if they converted to another religion and became really devout: Live your life with my blessing but we won't be in contact any more. I'm entitled to decide what I feel comfortable with just as everyone else is. That doesn't mean I'm not accepting of alternative lifestyles, just that I respect them in a "live and let live" way that doesn't involve them being part of my own family.

LittleGreySheep · 11/05/2018 17:50

If that’s with your blessing I hate to think what without your blessing is like......
I wouldn't be angry or bear a grudge. I wouldn't cause any trouble or call them names. My child could go with my blessing... but they would have to go.

brilliotic · 11/05/2018 18:17

jellyfrizz, my sister 'passed' pretty well, pre-surgery, but after having had hormones for a good while. She had the appearance of a woman; a gangly, not particularly feminine, rather butch woman, and you might think there was something a bit 'odd' about her. You might in your mind put a question mark as to her genitals. But generally people who encountered her assuming she was a woman would 'see' all the subtle things about her that reaffirmed that belief. The way she moved. The slight curve of a breast. The fairly smooth skin.

It was all those situations where you are face to face with someone who is looking at your documents that say 'male'. Signing in at the doctors' surgery. Showing your train pass to conductor. Meeting the bank clerk for a mortgage application. Checking in at the airport. Crossing any border, anywhere. Paying by credit card in a restaurant. Interviewing for a job. Starting a job. Going to any ticketed event that has non-transferable/personal tickets. Get a conveyancing solicitor. Applying for university. ... It's endless really.

Then you find you need to prove that you are the same person as it says on your document. You need to explain your life to a stranger. And there are the judging looks, picking out your more masculine bodily features. Discrimination. Hostility. Harrassment.

Though such situations do not arise every day, they arise frequently enough that she grew increasingly anxious, until she barely was able to leave the house anymore. No longer able to work, she had to face yet another person judging her in order to claim any sort of benefits. She was treated for anxiety but grew so tired of it all.

She is much better now. Has a life again. Her papers show her female name, and show her to 'be' female (legally), so it is much much rarer that her trans reality affects her. She still gets very anxious when dealing with authorities (things like that don't tend to just go away) but can manage it much better.

Mogleflop · 11/05/2018 19:02

What the actual living fuck @LittleGreySheep? Confused

I actually looked you up as I assumed you had to be a troll. You have a newborn and you'd just get rid of them if they disagree with you as they get older? Your poor, poor child.

For anyone freely screencapping your post and using it as evidence against us all on Mumsnet (and I bet they do - I would in their place), I think your attitude is appalling and I doubt I'm alone there.

Hyppolyta · 11/05/2018 19:05

My teens know what dysphoria is, so they could tell me they had that, but Id pay for as much counselling as possible before starting the hormones and surgery road.

They wouldnt need to tell me if they wanted to dress differently, they know males and females can dress, act and behave as masucline or feminine as they like, but the idea of gender is BS and they can no more change sex than fly.

Potplant2 · 11/05/2018 19:14

I'd probably say the same if my child was gay, or if they converted to another religion and became really devout: Live your life with my blessing but we won't be in contact any more. I'm entitled to decide what I feel comfortable with just as everyone else is. That doesn't mean I'm not accepting of alternative lifestyles, just that I respect them in a "live and let live" way that doesn't involve them being part of my own family.

I wouldn’t worry about it. With an attitude like that, any child of yours is going to be running away from you as fast as it can as soon as it hits 18.

Potplant2 · 11/05/2018 19:15

Oops, quote fail. First para is LittleGreySheep’s words; second is my response.

HeedMove · 11/05/2018 19:18

Id laugh and say dont be so bloody stupid. Because I know my daughter and shes NOT transgender at all. Im guessing most peoples reactions would be specific to their child.

LittleGreySheep · 11/05/2018 19:21

My DC and I are separate individuals. I don't feel that my DC are an extension of me or that I own them in any way. When my DC turn 18 I will fully encourage them to move away to seek a life that makes them happy (unlike my own mother who curtailed my opportunities by being clingy). I accept that parents and grown children aren't always on the same wavelength and don't always turn out to be compatible or maintain contact. I don't see how it's "getting rid of" my child if we turn out not to be compatible as adults?

Sinuhe · 11/05/2018 19:24

sallyannemum Shock

Doing a little research project are you?

Potplant2 · 11/05/2018 19:58

My DC and I are separate individuals. I don't feel that my DC are an extension of me or that I own them in any way. When my DC turn 18 I will fully encourage them to move away to seek a life that makes them happy (unlike my own mother who curtailed my opportunities by being clingy)

But I think you’re being exactly like your own mother, it’s just being expressed slightly differently. You still think your children are part of you, because if they express views or behaviours with which you disagree you will cast them out. Truly believing that they are separate beings would entail believing that they have their own, unique, way of viewing the world that might or might not be similar to yours, and that you will certainly disagree on some things, including perhaps some quite fundamental values, and that this will be challenging but also an opportunity to learn from one another and to grow.

Of course families break down. Mine pretty much has - I have minimal contact with my parents. But I don’t think anyone who has been through this has done so without immense pain, and I’m sure we all think it’s to be avoided if at all possible. “My way or the highway” seems pretty much guaranteed to ensure it as an outcome.

Racecardriver · 11/05/2018 20:01

Are you trying to gain access to the female part of the boarding house in order to shag around?

speakingwoman · 11/05/2018 23:08

Little grey sheep,

Planning to do the opposite of your own mother doesn’t work. You could go down a bad path here.

Ps are you a fundamentalist Christian or something?

jellyfrizz · 11/05/2018 23:23

brilliotic it’s great that your sibling is doing much better now.

It’s tragic that society accepts so little gender non conformity. It keeps us all in strict boxes.

I don’t like the GRA because although it solves a problem for individuals (& thank you for explaining that, I can see how it helps your sibling) it feels like it’s just hiding away the issue rather than protecting gender non conforming people or doing anything to help change attitudes.

Truthwillwin · 12/05/2018 00:20

I've lurked for a while on this feminism forum. Can't believe this post. Obviously the Liberal responses here have not had to deal with the fact that their child said they are trans. I too, thought those thoughts before I was hit with it. Step in my shows and don't judge the reity that you would be devastated. Little grey sheep I admire your truth. All that other nonsense see that is said here is because they want to believe they are woke. I think you all need to wake up and see the trans ideology as a cult. When you can see this you will not be saying I will want them to explore there gender. Today, exploring leads to drugs and surgery. It is not the same as trying to find a balance. It is all or nothing eventually because this is what our kids are told. So for all you parents who think you will be cool you will be amazed if it comes to your door for real. Seriously, do you really want your child to cut off their breast or their testacles. If you can say yes to this I suggest you question why this is acceptable. Will you allow teen sex, tattoos, anorexia, drugs because this is what your child wants?, would you give them your blessing?,, if your child wants to be the other sex accept that this is a distorted reality and don't feed it.

Truthwillwin · 12/05/2018 00:21

How do I edit. Fat thumbs. I hope you get the gist when my spelling mistake are made

Truthwillwin · 12/05/2018 00:31

Just Google am I trans and you will see the reality. Go on tumblr and reddit and read what is being said. As a parent you will have no say. These places will tell your child to find a new family. It's called a glitter family. They will parent them. You will be a bigot.

Truthwillwin · 12/05/2018 00:37

Whoever started this post is obviously someone who is trying to guilt the critical parent out. They have got an army of allies to try and undermine parental rights. Do not be fooled by them. They are starting a campaign to try and make me and other trans critical parents feel shame. Classic bullying. I am responding to this because this thread felt like a bully thread. I will not be bullied

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