Your Teenage Child tells you they think they are Transgender

[sallyannemum]

Your teenage child tells you they think they are transgender, they have researched the subject on the internet and talked to others, What would your reaction be ?,

Not sure my brief post amounts to hectoring:
(synonyms: "browbeat, irritate, nag, badger, bait, bluster, dominate, harass, heckle, intimidate, plague, ride, swagger, tease, torment, worry").

I am well acquainted with how people post on Mumsnet, and I think the extreme repetitive posting is symptomatic of something, and is not actually particularly common.

I think you might have just given me my first ever biscuit!

I understand that you have come over from the knock down drag out of AIBU.
You certainly irritated me with your bizarre accusations of bullying.

I wanted to support a couple of people on this thread who had told painful stories of beloved children or siblings who had struggled with gender. Sometimes people have very difficult, almost inexplicable experiences with their children, who have been brought up to question and think critically for themselves, but who then challenge their parents' understanding by doing something like becoming trans.

I am not a particularly "knock down drag out" sort of person, I don't think; nor am I a big fan of personal attacks, so I am sorry I used the word "bullying", (even in a general way, no names attached). I do think the tone on quite a few of the feminism threads is close enough to bullying that lots of people don't feel free to post.

My child could go with my blessing... but they would have to go.

What is it about identifying as trans that you find so revulsive or frightening that that you would cut off contact with your own child?

It's reading stuff like this that makes people think that there is a hefty dose of transphobia swilling around these boards. And I say that as someone who is broadly (and increasingly) sympathetic with the radical feminist POV.

It's reading stuff like this that makes people think that there is a hefty dose of transphobia swilling around these boards.

Obviously we are all responsible for what any person says on the forum including the trolls who come to chum the water and take screen shots for twitter.
Call the police and report her. That is the current response to women saying things deemed transphobic.

Oh give over. I highly doubt your claim about radical feminism. You all give yourselves away when you use the word transphobia. Most of the actually prejudiced posts on MN are planted by TRA, and then reported and deleted.

LittleGreySheep sounds horrific. It’s sad that there are people who desperately want to have children and some no-mark like her reproduces. Your children will no doubt wake up to your hate as they grow up. Who actually says they would disown their gay child in 2018??
Oh and FYI saying you want no contact with your trans child IS transphobia in case anyone was confused. It’s no different from someone kicking their gay child out of the house. If anyone thinks otherwise, I would love to hear otherwise.

I would tell them I loved them, ask questions and wait. But yes, I would also be tempted to remove WiFi - there's a lot of crazy ideas out there and a lot of hate. Neither is going to benefit a confused teen. If the feeling persisted, I would seek professional help.

It's not really a question any of us could answer.

Right now, my teen DD exactly the way she is? I'd laugh my socks off, take the piss and tell her to eat her breakfast. There is no way I'd take it seriously, and no way that I would be supportive. I know it couldn't be 'real' because I know my kid and know the way she has been bought up.

A different child, one I don't really know? I'd ask them why they thought that (and then tell them to talk to their parents).

I remember when eldest told me he was gay. It did not make me fear for his mental health. Nor was I concerned he would start taking drugs with very serious side effects to be his "authentic" self.
We talked about how he was coming to terms with the isolating aspects of being Gay in this hypersexualized culture that we are constantly bombarded with.
Had one of the children or grandchildren brought up the idea of being transgender I would have been deeply concerned. Not just because body dysphoria can be such a preoccupation for teens that they become obsessed with the minutia of every inch of their body.

I am be deeply concerned about the cult aspect of what is being promoted in the entertainment media ,and even in the schools where they celebrate children who transition as very special children that all the other children must be very careful not to distress in any way because they are not like the other ordinary children. They are special. And what child does not want to be special?

exLtEveDallas I think some boys are deeply upset by toxic masculinity, and feel confused enough to then think they are something other than simply male. I think this can happen even if they have been brought up in a very gender critical family.

I'd see it as a mental illness, similar to anorexia, that is encouraged by social contagion. I'd do my best to help my child get past it. If they couldn't, I'd have to accept it and maybe if they settled into that life it would eventually stop seeming like a tragedy.

I think that trans identity is different to being gay. A strong feeling that you're actually the opposite sex, and that you need significant surgery and lifelong medical treatment to support that feeling, is obviously an illness.

My dd did. Thank god it was 15 years ago and before this cultic stuff started and before social media took off. She called herself by a male name, her friends also called her that name. It lasted a year maybe - I forget because it was not a huge milestone in our lives, we treated it as a phase, we still called her by her female name and made it clear that she could do all the things she saw the boys doing and still be a girl. She now says (late 20's) that the boys just seemed to be having more fun.

She had a feminist mother and a father who was on board with that - no one at home forcing her into a gender box, so she went through that phase, as so many children did.

If I was dealing with it now I'd be tempted to up sticks and set up camp on a remote island with no access to social media ....

I agree that the context is very different now than it was 20 years ago when my sister first voiced her belief that she was trans.

I did not reflect on that when I described in my earlier post how my experiences with my sister would influence my reactions to one of my children declaring that they were trans, here and now. In truth, I do not know how I would react. The cultishness, social contagion issues, and forgone conclusion that the issue needs to be addressed by changing bodies (hormones, surgery) truly scares me.

I am sorry that you, TruthWillIn, perceived my post as judgement on anyone who would do, or does do things differently. It was not meant as such. It was meant purely as a description of my own experience, and my experiences do not reflect on anyone else and their choices, are no judgement.
I can empathise that descriptions of how someone else did/does things can feel judgemental, especially when you are in the middle of it yourself. This happens to me too. It can be very hard to remind myself that not everything other people do, or think they would do, is a reflection on/judgement of me and my choices.
I am truly sorry. All I can say is I was writing about myself and my sister, in a different time and context, and honestly not judging you or anyone else in this situation; which, as many have pointed out, is a different situation now than it was 20 years ago anyway.

I don’t like the GRA because although it solves a problem for individuals (& thank you for explaining that, I can see how it helps your sibling) it feels like it’s just hiding away the issue rather than protecting gender non conforming people or doing anything to help change attitudes.

I agree with that. It doesn't solve the issue, it addresses/alleviates some symptoms for some people; all the while creating new issues for those same people, and for others too. I would have preferred if that alleviating of symptoms could have been achieved without my sister having to undergo surgery first (I do see problems with self-declaration too - not blindly advocating for it), but even more I would have preferred if the root causes could be addressed.

Unfortunately my general feeling is that gender stereotypes are becoming stronger and more prescriptive, and toxic masculinity more pervasive, rather than less.

thebewilderness
brilliotic
I don't think telling women that being judged every day in every way was too much for your sibling is going to get the traction on a forum full of women that you think it should.

And pray tell, what do you think that I think it should get? What even makes you think that what I wrote was with the intent, or belief, that it would get any 'traction'?

Suspicion and hostility rises high here, everybody is assumed to have an agenda, be on a 'side'.
I was sharing an experience and explaining from that experience my answer to the OPs question - how would you react if your teenage child said they were trans.
Somebody asked my how a GRC would have helped my sister. I answered.

Oh give over. I highly doubt your claim about radical feminism. You all give yourselves away when you use the word transphobia. Most of the actually prejudiced posts on MN are planted by TRA, and then reported and deleted.

They are crawling this thread, just a headsup.

"Unfortunately my general feeling is that gender stereotypes are becoming stronger and more prescriptive, and toxic masculinity more pervasive, rather than less."
So true and this is actively contributing to GID.

I do believe transphobia (the real transphobia) is an extension of homophobia - basically the same thing - and littlegreysheep has demonstrated that here. We don't often see it here as it is much more common in men than women in my opinion. Littlegreysheep I do think you might need some counselling if you really feel so ready to reject your child when they turn 18.

Not that there aren't some men here obviously

"Homophobia, transphobia - two sides of the same coin."

Actually, this is true.
Because when one side is exposed, the other is hidden.

If you see "transphobia" you can't see the homophobia.
If you think gender supercedes sex, then you are denying the same sex orientation of homosexuals.

The whole concept of gender is homophobic. Sex exists. Sexual attraction is part of acknowleding the reality of biological sex. Gender doesn't exist. I've made my peace with the idea that I will be hated for refusing to go along with girlbrain/boybrain. So be it. Truth is 'transphobic'.

If you see "transphobia" you can't see the homophobia.
If you think gender supercedes sex, then you are denying the same sex orientation of homosexuals.

Yes totally. These people don't see that they are indulging, in their wokeness, in the worst kind of coercive homophobic conversion therapy.

crawling very appropriate

I assume a TRA generated this thread to provoke some awful things being said. They must be disappointed.

They're quite pleased with themselves, in their echo chamber where they've blocked all moderate or alternative views not a cult