Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

"I feel like a woman"

190 replies

pearsapplesbananas · 09/05/2018 07:01

I am a transgender woman. The following doesn't in any way pretend to be a universal account of all trans women's experiences and thoughts, just mine.

When I say "I feel like a woman" to somebody, what I mean is:

I wish I was born in a female body. I wish I had a female reproductive system, and that I could carry a child. Every time I look into the mirror, I want to smash my face against it. Every time I look at a "normal" family, my heart sinks, because I will likely never get to have that. Hormones make me feel less bad. Besides easing my physical dysphoria, they have also important psychological effects (like some women experience with their cycles). They are a tool that helps me deal with my… bad luck at birth.

But I'm slowly starting to empower myself. Coming out of this endless spiral of self-disgust and self-pity. I might be wrong but, from what I read, it seems like there is a discussion framed as a dichotomy: that giving me a decent chance to life is a direct attack on women's rights. Well, I wouldn't see how, and of course, I wouldn't want it to be.

As a consequence, both sides of the discussion attack each other. Often, with what I consider cruelty, inhumanity and viciousness, lacking the most basic empathy. It's as if we all left our humanity at home, for our families and loved ones, and were fighting as animals against each other.

I think both sides could benefit from working together, we have many things to teach one another and many fights in common. For example, better healthcare. I read a post on this forum, about the access to laser by women with PCOS. In all honesty, I don't think a single transgender woman would oppose this. In fact, it's something that I (and many others) would advocate for. Similarly, there are many other topics framed as dichotomies that would more likely be solved if they weren't.

The only people benefiting from all this is people who regard women and transgender people as lesser than.

OP posts:
Sengah · 13/05/2018 02:21

@MargeH why does life suck if you are a young girl growing up in Africa? What an ignorant comment.

thebewilderness · 13/05/2018 03:28

Sengah
She appears to be referring to the conflict in Syria.

bluescreen · 13/05/2018 07:30

Offred
what I am saying is my abusive ex was abusive and the gatekeeping of sex segregation kept him out.

Exactly. It is a taboo. What we are witnessing is the destruction of a valuable taboo.

MargeH · 13/05/2018 07:39

@MargeH why does life suck if you are a young girl growing up in Africa? What an ignorant comment.

The schoolgirls kidnapped by Boko Haram may beg to differ.

ocelot41 · 13/05/2018 07:47

Thank you for posting OP. My ex is trans because of dysphoria too. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy and genuinely want to ease their (preferred pronoun) pain and that of others like them.

At the same time, a small - unfortunately very very vocal- minority of transactivists are harming the cause of transpeople by, in effect advocating rape (women must have sex with me because I want them to, not because they want to aka the cotton ceiling) and trying to silence those who want (and need) to talk about biological issues or safe spaces (like refuges).

I see the sense in what you are saying - is it possible for you and others to confront those who are alienating, angering and frightening large numbers of women who should be your natural allies? Or is that too painful and difficult given everything else you have to deal with?

I ask because I have found it impossible to negotiate a shared common ground at women's and LGBT groups without being shouted down for being transphobic. Its driven me out of groups I have been committed to for years and I am not the only one. Us 'lets have a cup of tea and talk it through' types are just staying home because of the amount of vitriol we are getting.

AngryAttackKittens · 13/05/2018 08:00

I tried the let's have a cup of tea and talk route first. Didn't work.

LaSqrrl · 13/05/2018 08:38

I tried the let's have a cup of tea and talk route first. Didn't work.

Worked out like having the tea thrown in your face, didn't it AAK?
And now they are starting to act on the threats they have been issuing for years and years. The cup of tea and chat days are long gone.

AngryAttackKittens · 13/05/2018 08:40

Pretty much. Hey, I tried, but when people tell me who they are I believe them.

Sengah · 13/05/2018 09:38

Newsflash @MargeH Africa is not a country. Positing the operations of Boko Haram - one militant group operating in one part of one country in a vast continent is ridiculous to the point of parody. Africans on here, please don't find this poster's sweeping statement demeaning - it is too idiotic.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 13/05/2018 09:50

Ye gods! Here we all are, talking to ourselves again!

Trying to help, trying to respond in a thoughtful manner and look!

The Plopping Bastard OP has down what they so often do... thrown down his wisdom, told us we are being mean to him and then just fucked off!

Come back pears We do want to talk with you... but you need to be honest enough to continue the dialogue. You can't be taken seriously if you just hit and run!

AngryAttackKittens · 13/05/2018 10:00

I dunno, I prefer the plopping to multiple 1000 word comments repeating the same "you're all mean, I'm more important" bollocks. Though I suppose those are illustrative for anyone new to the conversation.

MargeH · 13/05/2018 10:05

@sengah

Ending child marriage in Africa:

www.girlsnotbrides.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/Child-marriage-in-Africa-A-brief-by-Girls-Not-Brides.pdf

Status of women and girls in South Africa:

www.one.org/africa/policy/status-of-women-and-girls-in-south-africa/

No girl left behind:

Across Africa, 28 million girls between the ages of about 6 and 15 are not in school and many will never even set foot in a classroom.

gemreportunesco.wordpress.com/2015/03/06/no-girl-left-behind-education-in-africa/

But if you say it's all hunky-dory, I guess there's nothing to worry about.

Anyway, this is OT, so I won't be commenting further.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 13/05/2018 10:10

AAK That too is true.

I usually don't mind the hit and runs too much. They do spark a debate that is useful and they almost always go off on a really interesting tangent.

But I may be feeling a bit tetchy this morning having had a slightly heated discussion last night with a friend who thinks that transwomen are women and I need to get with the programme. I remained polite, she spat "Bitch" in my face and flounced off.

Most other people in the pub (we were watching Eurovision) were bemused but thought I had a point!

Ereshkigal · 13/05/2018 10:13

But I may be feeling a bit tetchy this morning having had a slightly heated discussion last night with a friend who thinks that transwomen are women and I need to get with the programme. I remained polite, she spat "Bitch" in my face and flounced off.

Wow! Was it because you pierced her certainty and caused her cognitive dissonance I wonder, people can be aggressive when that happens. What do you think will happen with your friendship?

AngryAttackKittens · 13/05/2018 10:16

Well "Bitch" followed by a flounce is a reasoned argument sure to win anyone over!

LangCleg · 13/05/2018 10:19

I prefer the plopping to multiple 1000 word comments

Anything but the multiple 1000 word comments! Anything!

Ereshkigal · 13/05/2018 10:22

Anything but the multiple 1000 word comments! Anything!

Lol yes.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 13/05/2018 10:22

I don't know! Initially I thought she was joking. She is one of the people in my life I know are sensible, funny, but well read and prone to taking the mickey out of MLMs and other sillinesses.

But she was serious. She started the discussion, based on someone one in the pub (man in a dress, lots of men in dresses - it was a silly night). She said that one of them was a woman, I said no, he was a man. She said no, she is a transwoman and so she is a woman.

I demurred, based mainly on the fact that the man in question is not the transwoman in the village. I added that transwomen were men. They were born men and would die men and whatever they did in the intervening years would not change their chromosomes.

And off she went! I don't know what will happen now. I don't think I will be starting any conversation with her. I think I'll let her come to me.

But I definitely don't think she is the same woman I thought she was yesterday morning, iyswim!

But maybe she managed to Peak a few people in the pub Grin

AngryAttackKittens · 13/05/2018 10:23

My poor scroll button is going to break soon.

Ereshkigal · 13/05/2018 10:25

Yes maybe she did. It doesn't sound like she knew how to argue against your position.

AngryAttackKittens · 13/05/2018 10:25

So wait, bunch of men in the pub in dresses, Saturday night and all, but this particular one, who I assumed looks just like all the others, is a woman because he says so?

I wonder if this is how she finds tradespeople. "Well he said he was a fully trained plumber..."

LoislovesStewie · 13/05/2018 10:28

I don't know what it feels like to be a woman. I just know what it is like to be me. I don't know how it feels to be the Queen, or Kim Kardashian, or Mother Theresa, or Sophia Loren. Perhaps accepting that might solve some issues?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 13/05/2018 10:33

bunch of men in the pub in dresses, Saturday night and all, but this particular one, who I assumed looks just like all the others, is a woman because he says so?

DH thinks she may have mistaken some random bloke in a frock out for a daft night for his mate who is a cross dresser and can often be seen in the pub, in a dress. We've known him since the 80s. But he was at work, on the same night shift DH was!

Oh, it's all confusing Smile

AngryAttackKittens · 13/05/2018 10:45

Does DHs mate think he's a trans woman or a crossdresser? Would be extra funny if he doesn't even ID as trans. I've noticed a lot of gender true believers trying to claim people as trans who're just GNC (or fetishists).

Ereshkigal · 13/05/2018 10:47

It's because it undermines their absolute position if they don't.