"I feel like a woman"

[pearsapplesbananas]

I am a transgender woman. The following doesn't in any way pretend to be a universal account of all trans women's experiences and thoughts, just mine.

When I say "I feel like a woman" to somebody, what I mean is:

I wish I was born in a female body. I wish I had a female reproductive system, and that I could carry a child. Every time I look into the mirror, I want to smash my face against it. Every time I look at a "normal" family, my heart sinks, because I will likely never get to have that. Hormones make me feel less bad. Besides easing my physical dysphoria, they have also important psychological effects (like some women experience with their cycles). They are a tool that helps me deal with my… bad luck at birth.

But I'm slowly starting to empower myself. Coming out of this endless spiral of self-disgust and self-pity. I might be wrong but, from what I read, it seems like there is a discussion framed as a dichotomy: that giving me a decent chance to life is a direct attack on women's rights. Well, I wouldn't see how, and of course, I wouldn't want it to be.

As a consequence, both sides of the discussion attack each other. Often, with what I consider cruelty, inhumanity and viciousness, lacking the most basic empathy. It's as if we all left our humanity at home, for our families and loved ones, and were fighting as animals against each other.

I think both sides could benefit from working together, we have many things to teach one another and many fights in common. For example, better healthcare. I read a post on this forum, about the access to laser by women with PCOS. In all honesty, I don't think a single transgender woman would oppose this. In fact, it's something that I (and many others) would advocate for. Similarly, there are many other topics framed as dichotomies that would more likely be solved if they weren't.

The only people benefiting from all this is people who regard women and transgender people as lesser than.

"It's like Groundhog Day."

To be fair, MN often is like grounghog day. Loads of posters come on and post something which has been discussed endlessly before. I no longer read the 'Mumsnet is getting very mean these days' threads for just that reason.

Pear, the problem may be that each person is treating the other group as a class. So you see gender critical women as cruel because of some cruelty you have seen. Gender critical women see TRAs as narcissistic and aggressive because of the threats and violence many of their representatives show.

Each 'side' of the debate has reasonable adherents, as well as zealots. But we all feel accused when complaints are made.

I took that bit to mean ‘happy hormones make me happy’. All in favour of making people happier, less distressed, more comfortable in their skins, unless it’s st someone else’s expense.

It's like Groundhog Day.

It is.

And where is the difference of intention between the appeal to female socialisation dressed up in phrases such as working together and the violent misogyny of the TRA extremist's die in a fire?

I don't see one. The intention is the same: get women to drop their boundaries and lose their safe spaces and protected services.

I wish I had a female reproductive system, and that I could carry a child.

To be parents was our wish too.

-Gyny cancer was found during IVF treatments (fertility issues likely caused by undiagnosed endometriosis)
-Treatment required radical hysterectomy and caused immediate surgical menopause.
-Some pre-menopausal/younger women can take HRT - its a balance of potential benefit vs potential risk as some cancers can be oestrogen driven whilst without HRT there is increased risk of cardiac issues and osteoporosis. I think the majority of pre-menopausal women diagnosed with gyny cancers are advised not to take HRT (not evidenced).

When I say "I feel like a woman" to somebody, what I mean is:

" I wish I was born in a female body. I wish I had a female reproductive system"

Yes.
You wish you were a woman. But you are not.
And you must find a way to come to terms with your own reality, as women must come to terms with theirs.

But your "bad luck" at birth? Was good luck in comparison to ours.
Don't fetishise our female biology and frame it as 'good luck'.
In a different world this might be true.
In a different world, women's awesome ability to create life, to continue our human race, might be recognised for the astonishing ability it is.
But we live in this world, where women are imprisoned for controlling their own bodies and biological abilities. Where we are raped and killed and mutilated and kept as property. Where we are denied the same rights as men, and groomed to a lifetime of submission.

So, whether you acknowledge it or not, you were born with very, very good luck. You got to be born into the ruling class, the one that makes the rules. And if you really care about women, you get to speak to other men about them needing to recognise women as biologically different but humanly equal to men, and start pressuring them to acknowledge women as this.
But that acknowledgement has to start closer to home.

You don't feel like a woman.
You wish you did, because you haven't yet recognised what we actually, truly are.
We are not objects to be envied or fetishised.

We are female people, and respecting us begins with acknowledging that we exist not as an idea or an identity to be claimed or worn, but as people.

Also...

Besides easing my physical dysphoria, they have also important psychological effects (like some women experience with their cycles)

Please explain what these physiological effects are and how they relate to what you think women experience as part of our menstrual cycles.

I'm so glad someone else noticed this and asked.

Hello OP, I'm sorry to hear of all you have been through, it sounds like it has all been very difficult and I hope you now feel better about yourself. I can relate to the wanting to smash your face against the mirror and hating your reflection because I have experienced this too though not for the same reasons. It's hard with so much pressure about appearance and size to not loathe that reflection sometimes. So I really do hope this has passed for you. Unfortunately I still suffer it from time to time though not as frequently as I did.

However, like AAK I am confused about this:

mportant psychological effects (like some women experience with their cycles)

I genuinely don't know what you mean.

I also agree (again) with LangCleg that we have had a few trans visitors and it is often about how we can help trans and not the other way around. So I would be very interested to discuss rights etc with you but I come from a place which very much centres women. You see our fight and rights aren't all in place yet either and we have been working at it for a very, very long time so when we see we are in danger of losing what we have we get frustrated and yes, angry. Not angry enough to wish harm on people but angry enough to question in an abrupt manner.

Finally, I have few issues with any trans individuals because it isn't individuals I take issue with, it is an ideology; it is this nebulous 'trans umbrella' which is almost impossible to define and it is the modifying of language to take away women's means to speak about themselves as a biological class of people (who are oppressed because of that biology; see FGM, dead and abandoned baby girls, period poverty etc.) that I take issue with. I'll admit though I really DO have a problems with the tactics of silencing women and I have no intention of being 'nice' and 'polite' when speaking about that issue.

The Eve Appeal have launched a campaign 'Get Lippy' to raise awareness of gynaecological cancer. This has just been discussed on Woman's Hour.

"More than 21,000 women in the UK are diagnosed each year with gynaecological cancer, which equates to 58 diagnoses each day.

Yet despite this, awareness levels among both women and men are startlingly low. That’s why here at #TeamEve we’re determined to change this by raising much-needed awareness that gynaecological cancers exist, and the associated signs and symptoms of these brutal cancers.

The lack of basic knowledge about the female body or conversations around how the female anatomy works, is extremely worrying - how can we expect women to know what to look out for in terms of unexpected changes in their vagina or vulva or to be aware of the signs and symptoms of a gynaecological cancer, if they’re not body aware?"

eveappeal.org.uk/gynaecological-cancers/gynaecological-cancers-brief-explainer/

Brilliantly said Barracker, just brilliant.
(the 'wish' but you are not thing was one that crossed my mind too)

Not angry enough to wish harm on people but angry enough to question in an abrupt manner.

I don't even know whether I'd say angry - on my own behalf anyway.

I often say that I failed at female socialisation but I don't know if that's really true. What I see in myself is that I object very strongly to being manipulated - consciously or otherwise, because I accept that often people don't realise they're doing it - on the assumption that my female socialisation will kick in and I will drop my objections because of it. When this happens, I become abrupt. I'm not angry: I'm just deliberately failing to use female socialisation in my response.

On the other hand, if somebody turns up and says here are the many practical ways I intend to help you, I'm likely to respond lovely, thanks, how can I help you back? Female socialisation? Maybe!

I look forward to the day that isn't Groundhog and the latter dynamic plays out with a brand new trans visitor. The cynic in me says it'll be the twelfth of never, but I can live in hope!

I'd even settle for "if i could figure out a way to help you then I would". I don't think Truscum has any more idea than the rest of us of how to fix this mess, for example, but in terms of wanting to help? Of that I have no doubt. Which entirely changes my response and how I feel about the person.

Maybe I shouldn't have generalised the anger - for me the manipulation of language and shutting women up does make me angry. Then again my temper can be too quick, quick to rise but doesn't last or hold grudges. So yep, I get angry - that won't apply to everyone here though so I probably shouldn't have spoken for all of us.

I don't think Truscum has any more idea than the rest of us of how to fix this mess, for example, but in terms of wanting to help? Of that I have no doubt. Which entirely changes my response and how I feel about the person.

Exactly.

I often say that I failed at female socialisation but I don't know if that's really true. What I see in myself is that I object very strongly to being manipulated - consciously or otherwise, because I accept that often people don't realise they're doing it - on the assumption that my female socialisation will kick in and I will drop my objections because of it. When this happens, I become abrupt.

Me too Lang. But I am passed caring what they think about that.

I probably shouldn't have spoken for all of us.

No, no! You're entitled to your anger. Keep it! Express it!

I get angry all the time, too. But with this specific dynamic? Not so much. I just feel it incumbent to point it out without prettifying it.

giving me a decent chance to life is a direct attack on women's rights. Well, I wouldn't see how, and of course, I wouldn't want it to be.

OK, have you read the threads that explain how?

I mean, this is the Women's Rights section of the website - the only reason for any trans threads to be here is where the subject crosses women's rights.

Truscum is another trans poster, by the way, OP. As are PidgeonPodge, Harv, Hobbit, JenSomething and several others (or they could all be the same person, I suppose).

I feel like I failed at the "defer to men and their feelings at your own expense and that of other women and girls" part of female socialization but most of the rest of it basically stuck. It's just that the "why should we defer to men?" part is really, really important and interlinked with all kinds of other issues, so it comes up a lot.

Ffs. You couldn't possibly know how it feels to be a woman. Why can't you have a family?

You need to accept you're a man, with a penis. Then dress or behave how you like? Fuck anybody that criticises you.
I'm all for peoples rights to dress, behave or sleep with who they wish (within reason, sex is consensual etc). Without fear of being mocked, riddiculed or attacked.
Non of what you said makes you female though? I want to be billionaire type rich. It's never gonna happen, but I'm not gonna cry and waste the rest of my life being depressed over it.

I agree totally with thereom. Whislt i fully empathise with your experience and what you have had to go through and am sure irl i would accept you as a woman, my problem is transgender has become an alternate identity for individuals with what appears to be other mental / psychological conditions a lot who appear very angry with world and want to play both victim and oppressor to fulfill some other emotional / psychological deficit. Those that are only socially trans and for all intent very much appear as their born sex are not the same or subject to the same discrimination as one who is undergoing or undergone medical transition? , so why should a person who has no lived experience or real investment in the opposite sex get to legally own it and elevate their rights above those born into it who experience the real problems and issues of that sex.

@pearsapplesbananas What false dichotomies do you think are in play on MN?

You say you can't see how transgenderism can harm women's rights. Can you really not? Really? You say you've been reading MN and still you can't see how women's rights are being harmed. I am intrigued as to how you came to that conclusion. Have you actually read these pages in any depth with your empathy switched on?

"You don't feel like a woman.
You wish you did, because you haven't yet recognised what we actually, truly are.
We are not objects to be envied or fetishised"

^This. Pity some of us know first hand, just how fetishised cross dressers often are. And the lengths they'll go to, to legitisimise this.

TBH Wicked, I think pears is probably a transsexual, and not your garden-variety TG-AGP. However, it can be easy to mistake the two, when they come across in such a covetous manner.

The covetousness, comes across as creepy cannibalism, to our ears. Not a compliment, as probably intended. The 'wishing' gets me - the vast majority of us, particularly women, rarely get what we wish for. So OP is ahead of us in that to a degree. However, accepting OP as 'one of the pack', well that relies on the rest of us, with varying views. To get the law to force us into 'acceptance', really isn't the way to go about it, will only lead to resentment, and rejection really. /ramble

My immediate gut response to "I wish I had a female reproductive system" is always "well you can't have mine". May not be the most rational response but it's been there ever since I started seeing trans women talk about getting uterus transplants.

"well you can't have mine"

Same reaction. Definitely put me off ever considering organ donation tbh. I do think it a long way off. So many nerves and blood vessels - it is one thing to transfer a uterus into a female that had the infrastructure, another to transfer into a very narrow pelvis without the infrastructure. And no, baby cannot come out the mangina, ever, that thing is not fit for purpose, and nothing like it is imitating.

I really, really wish I had been born with longer legs.

And non-freckly skin.

I really really wish all those women I know, who for whatever reason and usually not their choice, could have had children of their own.

I really really wish my mother hadn't suffered from Alzheimer's for ten long years.

We can all play that game at lots of levels.

Life sucks. If you're a young girl growing up in Africa or a child caught up in Syria, life really really sucks.