I am a transwoman, ask me anything.

[AriadneRose]

I have been following what has been going on here and on twitter, and thought maybe it would be helpful to open a dialogue that is not reactionary or fueled by anger. So I am offering my own personal perspective as a transwoman, and am willing to answer any questions people might have, and I will try to answer them thoughtfully, respectfully and honestly.

Note: I did not create this thread to stir up trouble, I just feel open dialogue from both sides is necessary for us to move forward.

The more of these threads there are the angrier I get.

Seriously Ariadne you need to listen and acknowledge what women ate saying ABOUT THEMSELVES.

This conflict is never going to be resolved for as long as men use the word that refers to US to falsely force us into a contrived and damaging category with THEM.

Women are not what you claim we are. The only thing you have in common with me is two vowels and three consonants.

No one can identify AS something that they objectively are NOT. I reject your claim that you are any kind of adult human female, and I reject your claim that the word for adult human females should be imbued with damaging stereotypes to suit you.

Threads like this are pure mansplaining to try to get us on-board and shut up.

I didn't make it clear that I wanted to learn more about the issues women are facing, especially in regards to the TRA.

No, you didn't. And you still haven't.

I am more than happy to bow out.

OPs who are only interested in educating us out of ignorant ways usually say this. They'd rather leave than actually address our issues. Or rather, say they're going to leave and then carry on talking about themselves anyway.

Ariadne I am enjoying reading your posts and I feel that you are being sincere (unlike some other posters we've had starting this sort of thread). I hope you will not prove me wrong!

Hopefully you can see that your OP was a bit misguided, and that the posters here will not default to the female socialised behaviour of just being nice about things that are really, existentially important to us.

But please, stay and keep talking. I've expressed on here before that I feel there is a hell of a lot of common ground between these particular two sides in this debate (i.e. gender critical feminists and TRAs, though there are lots of other voices in the wider debate), however the wedge of the things we disagree on is being driven further and further in. And there's a lot of misunderstanding.

Adriane
I am sorry that your mental health is affected by gender identity issues and I am sorry that it is hard to get appropriate medical treatment.

However, my mental health is affected greatly by having ADHD and chronic pain. The pain clinic has finally seen me after two years of waiting.

Even if I start to view myself as someone without chronic pain, i will never be cured.

In the same way, i believe that self IDing as someone of the opposite biological sex will not cure the deep issues that someone has with gender.

I hope this makes sense and I am sympathetic to your struggles.

Ariadne I apologise if I have come across as mean or belligerent, it's not my intention.

When I meant evasive I meant about not answering, as far as I can see, about what you consider ideal acceptance. Because the impression I an many other women have of the TRA movement is that anything less than seeing them as biological women is highly offensive. If you can't answer on behalf of the community (i.e. is this what the majority of trans people want?) then could you answer personally?

It can be hard being a woman and feeling heard in this modern age (for some different reasons then our historic feminist predecessors as well) and the same goes for trans people. So it would be nice if there could be a bit more solidarity, but obviously that's never going to be solidified in the long term if each group is perceived as a threat to the other.

Hi Ariadne,

I would love to know any of the following please?
What age did you first realise you were the wrong gender?
Are you interested in men or women?
How old are you?
What is your career / job?
Have you come out to your family and if so, how did they take it?
Do you have kids from previous relationships? If so how do they handle it?
What is your look as a woman? Do you dress feminine? Into glamour or are you the jeans and tshirt type?

You know what, this thread is an exercise in seeing what women do and how we behave. Even those who think you're completely wrong are polite and trying not to be mean. Go on to KIWIfarms and use the same OP. Men will ridicule and dismiss you.... and no one will campaign for the whole site to be taught a lesson.

So much anger on this thread.

YY @posie

Full of thanks, declarations that the OP is brave, welcoming comments, etc etc

Female socialisation in action.

We need to be cautious. Because this will be taken advantage of. Always.

Hi OP

Have you taken part in any other threads? Just read them?

Mumsnet is open to everyone and I think it would be lovely for you to get involved. Not sure if this thread is a great idea, they've happened before and the poster gets many questions and opinions it's not realistic that you can reasonably answer them.

Hope to see you about

ALittleAubergine

Are women not meant to get angry?

Adriade I'd like you to stay and have the dialogue, my comment about embracing the misgendering as actually enabling you to understand what it's like being a woman is genuine although I realised after it may have looked sarcastic. If you want to feel like a woman there are a lot of rubbish bits that come with it and embracing that too may make it clearer to you what you want.

And I'm hopeful you will join that list of allies to women

I acknowledge the need for closed spaces that only women who are born as women are entitled to

But who gets to decide what constitutes a ‘closed space’ for actual women? From what I’ve read and experienced it is mainly men, no matter how they identify, that are making the decisions that directly impact on women’s privacy, dignity and safety.

* Ithink the worry for a lot of trans people, is the fact that we are a minority, that we will not get a third space but why should that be the responsibility of women? Why should we have to be responsible for the needs of trans people? Why are we expected to be everybody’s mother? Why don’t trans people fight for a 3rd space, the way people with disabilities have had to? Trans people are even being given use of disability access toilets, at the expense of actual disabled people.

You talk about the fear of being murdered or attacked, because you are trans. Could you please show me ANY evidence of a trans person being murdered in NI because of their status? I’ve had female friends attacked and raped because they are female. I’ve had lesbian friends molested and attacked because they’re lesbian and ‘just need to know what it’s like to be with a man’! I’ve been verbally abused by my own boys because I’ve said that people can’t change sex and told that trans people suffered because women won’t let them into female spaces, but women should ‘get over’ their feelings of fear or discomfort at sharing a space space with a physical man.

I’ll ask again. Give me a solid reason why women should have to be concerned about the feelings of everyone else, except actual women? Why can’t trans identifying males be responsible for their own feelings and campaign for their own spaces.

Do you feel that the current trans movement is reinforcing gender stereotypes? Why can't you just be a man who wears dresses, as I am a woman who wears trousers?

Do you think that reinforcing gender stereotypes is helpful or harmful to someone who feels unhappy in the sex they were born in?

There are two different things going on.

There are people who feel trapped in the wrong body.

There are people who feel trapped in the wrong 'gender'.

The first is a medical condition.

The second has become the focus of a vicious political movement that is destroying feminism and threatening women's rights. It contains a very wide range of people, including men acting out sexual fetishes, and gay people in denial.

I feel sympathy for Ariadne and hope the difference between these two things is clear.

Comes with the added bonus of dividing us:

The 'mean' ones

The 'nice' ones

Two convenient groups created and perhaps we will start arging with each other? Perhaps agreement will dissipate and we will be weakened?

The mean ones will think the nice ones are misguided

The nice ones will think the mean ones are, well, being mean and that their words are not in the best interests of woman overall. That this is not the right way to address these issues.

On so many levels these threads are anything but well-meaning.

**Disclaimer: Again, not making any assumptions about the OP's intent, much less making any accusations. OK, MNHQ??

Actually OP - please do what Posie said - post this exact same OP on a more male populated site.
It would be a really interesting experiment.

@AriadneRose I haven't had time to read the full thread. But thank you for offering to answer questions, I would like to ask you something.

What do you think about women's boundaries, namely:

1) Boundary of a distinct name and category
To have a name to describe their sex as humans: female, girl, woman, which defines them and their own sex as a group with clear linguistic boundaries to identify them as distinct and separate from anyone born male, or has been boy or man, for a number of reasons, personal, practical & political.

2) Boundary of physical space
To have places where only females can be and where those born male are not allowed to be.

3) Boundary of mental space
To be able to describe reality as they see it, to share thoughts and memories without censure or emotional blackmail.

4) Boundary of ring-fenced resources
To have time, money, energy, schemes and other resources specific to the female sex, both biological and political.

Additionally:

Have you ever over-stepped or disregarded any of women's boundaries outlined above?

If so, how did it feel when you first did it- (did you feel conflicted, exhilarated, guilty)?

Do you think people who are born male and disregard/violate women's boundaries above are morally culpable?

Is it possible identify as a transwoman without violating women's boundaries?

Have you considered yourself to be lucky to have the option to chose between living as a man or a woman?

Being a slight, skinny yet very curvaceous shape, I can not live as a man as part of a process of transition. you are expressing a right that is denied to me because of my biology

It also ties us up in these sorts of discussions, and gets us concerned with trying to understand, which is a very useful tool to distract us from RL work such as writing to MPs, or schools, or whatever else it is that could help to Make A Difference In The Real World.

Twas ever thus...

**Same disclaimer as before MNHQ

I'm with Posie and TheUterati.

And I draw attention to the lovely trans people hereabouts such as Truscum and Peanut, whose every post shows a demonstrable commitment to women's rights, and who neither mansplain nor appeal to female socialisation nor threaten to leave at the first instance of their every word not being fawned over by every single contributor.

@LanceLottie
With regards to your DD's appalling period pains, could your DD possibly try using norheistrone to delay her period during exam time?

Sorry if this is something that you have already heard.

Hi Ariadne.

Consider the half of all humans who are born with vagina and uterus and ovaries, who tend on average to be smaller and lighter than the other half, who are the only type who ever through all of history have menstruated, or gestated, or needed an abortion, or miscarried, or given birth or breastfed, or had healthcare issues related to ovaries or uteri or cervices...

Do you think that group of humans has been oppressed, marginalised, disenfranchised, controlled and/or violated throughout human history, by the other half who have penises, testes, higher muscle mass, can commit rape, can't become pregnant, etc.?

Do you think there are significant ways in which the group with vaginas still suffer oppression by virtue of belonging to that particular class of human?

If so, is it important to have a word that describes that oppressed group of humans - all of them, and only them - in order that they can name the basis of their oppression, recognise themselves and each other as part of that class of humans, and organise effectively for equality / justice / liberation?

If so, what is that word?

I do sometimes feel like saying, 'You want to join us? Pull up a chair. Take a 25% pay cut, allow us to kick you hard in the stomach once every four weeks so that you can suffer the bruise-like pains of periods for a week each month. Shut up, so that men can speak over you, for you, instead of you, at meetings, in class, at parties. Get called out of meetings as the default parent (with womb=your career takes the knock if child is sick/needs dentist/has issues at school.) Come and join us. Sure you want this? Or just the blouses and girly chat?"