19 year old DD tells me ALL boys want to throttle.

[Spidermama]

I've just been left feeling really angry and powerless. DD tells me pretty much all boys 'even nice ones' like to put their hands around girl's throats semi strangling them as part of sex. She's told me other horrible things about what girls her age are fully expected to put up with.
She says the boys get it from porn and there's nothing unusual about it.

I and I'm sure many of us women, have put up with things during sex that we've not really liked just to get it over with. But this is getting ridiculous! It makes me so sad to think of all these young women having to put up with these levels of violence and hatred in something which is supposed to be enjoyable for them.

What can she do. I know how hard it is to stop things being done to you mid act.

So has the govt rolled out any of this yet then?
uk.businessinsider.com/uk-ban-non-conventional-pornography-censorship-reddit-tumblr-digitaleconomy-bill-2016-11

Regarding the aids thing; in my early sex experiences in the 90s/ early 00's, condoms were a given.

Not sure it's like that now.

Reading most of the affluenza virus by Oliver Burkeman opened my eyes to how much media/ advertising affects people accessing it and their mental health.

Not the same but it always struck me as quite chilling how when a pacific island got tv quite comparatively late/ recently, within 5 years young girls began to develop eating disorders for the first time in the island's history.

But it doesn't the take a huge leap to see how external media messages, subliminal or overt, can affect human behaviour in a wider level - attitude to how you must be to be accepted, what is appropriate/ what others are doing, what is regarded as 'normal'.

I used to be a bit 'meh' about porn, now I do view it as a Big Issue. It clearly has changed for the worst in the last 15-20 years. I'm sure there are parts that are fine but the lines are so fine it's a big concern as far as teens are concerned.

What I would say is a good idea is to fully School yourself as parents in how to set all the high level internet safety settings in your house as well as putting monitoring software on technology they use eg mobile phones from a child protection/ e safety POV. And talk to your children about it, involve them from an early age.

My local primary did a parental training on this and I was impressed with the level of both control but also openness in discussing e safety with them. The deliverer had teens and they clearly used all sorts of IT freely, but it had been a part of their technological upbringing to stay safe.

Obviously porn is harder to monitor and limit through friends and as they get older, but I feel talking about sex and respect more openly from an early age is also a key to this too.

I wish there were more resources out there for parents.

Bookmarking to come back to this later when I have more time. Such an important discussion.

treaclesoda I genuinely feel bad putting the content & links on here or sharing them with anyone but I know that I thought I understood porn until I saw and read the reality. Porn and feminism aren't my original discipline - i'm a dr. in history - but once I had been shown this I couldn't keep silent. It is a massive human rights abuse and I believe is comparable to lynching. I think the more women confront the reality of the content then it can no longer be excused and dismissed. Gail Dines, Pornland is a brilliant read.

I am talking about free content but by accounts I am hearing it gets worse behind pay walls. They have to ratchet up the violence even further to justify the extra money. A young man spoke to me about what he had seen behind a paywall and one good sign is he struggled to talk about it and kept on apologising. This was a male porn user who now understood that it wasn't consensual fantasy and had implications.

The financial link between Ann Summers & Pornhub at first frightened me as this nastyness is so normalised it is now on our high streets but I think it may create room to drag porn out of the dark and have an honest conversation about it.

With regards to Ann Summers and normalisation of porn 'sex' - or better understood as the punishment and degradation of women's bodies - one can now purchase 'Fist It Anal Fisting Lubricant 500ml', it will in fact arrive by Valentines!
www.annsummers.com/sex-essentials/sex-essentials-shop-category/sex-essentials-anal/fist-it-anal-fisting-lubricant-500-ml/88428.html
I don't think its men on mass bending over demanding they get their anus stretched with a first for sexy fun.

I'm yet to reach 30 and I feel the same as you regarding how lucky I was to miss this era growing up and how sex was not expected. That changed at Uni, the expectation, so the influence of porn was just creeping in then.

FurryGiraffe and Lilymossflower the 'orgasm deficit' is becoming a big problem. Female sexual pleasure is not a priority and just doesn't exist in porn sex. There was a study done on female and male willingness to engage in an on Campus one night stand and the researchers concluded that females were less willing not because of society pressure but because the sex would be too bad.

This article is also good:
feministing.com/2016/01/19/what-i-would-have-said-to-you-last-night-had-you-not-cum-and-then-fallen-asleep/

Succinct summary of the article would be "men who can't, or can't be bothered to take the time to make a woman orgasm are crap in bed." With the addendum "they don't realise this because misogynist and sexist assumptions lead them to think only male orgasms constitute successful sex."

HairyBallTheorem yes, I may get your words printed on a t-shirt =)

Does this type of violence feature in homosexual porn ?

No idea about men but remember that "lesbian" porn is made with men in mind anyway.

This thread has been very good for me as I've just had a really in-depth conversation with my children who frankly are way too young for that kind of conversation. I just have to get over myself and my own embarrassment. I was 11 when my mother told me about reproductive sex! And that one conversation was the extent of our discussions. I'd already heard the whole thing from a very well informed kid at the age of 6 and just had to cringe through it. Hopefully, my kids won't have my hang ups.

I'm not shocked by this sadly. First there were the studies saying girls were being forced to have anal sex.
Now this.
Gail Dines in her book Pornland says porn has all the elements of effective teaching- images, anonymity, privacy, role models and most importantly sexual arousal.
This is what embeds it so thoroughly.
It basically teaches that women and girls are there to be used and discarded, that males have the right to sexual access to any female, irrespective of consent.And maybe worst of all it teaches that women and girls enjoy their abuse.
So basically porn is creating a population of rapists and victims !

Do girls that age of the OPs daughter even realize that "bad in bed and therefore not worth shagging again" is a judgement that they're allowed to make about men? If not that would be one obvious place to start.

@furrygirrafe yes that's the article. I feel like what it talks about is what makes the stuff in porn acceptable and also vise versa.

ContemporaryPankhurst

I think you're absolutely right to post links. Because if we don't know what's going on out there how can we ever hope to effectively resist it?

I've remembered a very sad letter I saw in the letters page of the Guardian, maybe 10 years ago. If I remember correctly, the woman was teaching sex ed as a supply teacher, and she said that (having not been used to this day in day out) she was surprised to discover that (a) most of the 13/14 year old girls in the class were having sex and (b) they didn't have any idea they were meant to enjoy it too. (b) upset her much more than (a).

I think it comes down to that age-old sexist myth that women have sex in order to get other things (affection, material goods, motherhood) while men reluctantly pretend to affection in order to get sex and this is the natural order of things It is of course a huge sexist crock of shit, but it's been going a hell of a long time, and remarkably despite massive shifts in social mores, seems to be the zombie that's hardest to stake through the heart.

However, I still think the rise and rise of the normalisation of extreme sexual violence and the passing off of sexual violence as sexy is a new thing.

I find this whole topic and the context scary in the extreme. We are teaching our children as well as we can but peer pressure and shitty videos on the internet are going to destroy a generation. Strangling someone is not normal behaviour ever (unless /requested/ of course)

I think she needs to mix with nicer, more respectful and considerate young men. My girls would definitely walk from anyone who felt violent behaviour was an acceptable part of a sexual union. I think my sons would go “Urgh, weirdos “.

@OlennasWimple @SashaSickofSexism @ContemporaryPankhurst

I wonder if we should be posting these links and petitions in AiBU or chat? The feminism board often gets missed and I'm wondering if we should be making others more aware of this.

I'm genuinely horrified Ann Summers would link up with porn hub. Where has women's sexuality gone? Ann summers used to be OUR advocate but it can't do that when linked to the degrading content on Pornhub.

I don't mean to be rude @MincemeatTart but how do you know? Have you asked them? I'd like to think my nephew would think this is disgusting too but I'll bet anything he's been brought up on this and thinks it's normal. He's a wonderful, loving, smart 15 year old boy. But he's also a child, he will believe violent porn to be the norm unless someone tells him otherwise

(Seriously, Pornhub is the biggest free website, if you haven't seen it - just consider clicking on their main page. Porn isn't what it used to be, I really wish it was. I'm actually fine with teenagers watching people just shag but that's not what they're seeing)

sourpatch - yes, I think so. The DfE consultation was a pinned post on Active for a while (in fact it's how I found out about it) but it's disappeared now. I'll start a thread later to highlight it to non-FWR readers

Ah, I think is just closed @OlennasWimple

“I think she needs to mix with nicer, more respectful and considerate young men.”

Oh that’s a good idea.

I bet she never thought of that!

we certainly have discussions about what is and isn’t acceptable in a relationship. I can’t know with absolute certainty about their personal
Ives but all are fairly horrified at the notion of casual sex, all the girls are fairly appalled at the use of porn, all talk about love and commitment rather than sex as a stand alone act. Domestic violence isn’t something they’d condone and I think they’d consider throttling as a form of abuse. I might be totally wrong, but given they are fairly open and forthright in their opinions, I think I’m probably right.

“I might be totally wrong, but given they are fairly open and forthright in their opinions, I think I’m probably right”

I think you are almost undoubtedly wrong. My dd was exactly like that. She is currently still extricating herself from a year long physically and emotionally abusive relationship. With an apparently nice, respectful and considerate young man.

sour I put a thread in chat the other day
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3164750-Ann-Summers-teams-up-with-Pornhub-not-OK?msgid=75597558#75597558