Women who don’t be believed for their reasons not to BF - a feminist issue?

[Bluedoglead]

Bear with me, I’ve posted this here because I don’t think it’s a feminist issue and I want to unpick my thoughts.

I struggle with my reasons for not BF one of my children.

I was put in a position where the decision was out of my hands.

I do think the comments around “did you try could have tried different should have tried that” are almost victim blaming and they make me very very angry and feel disbelieved.

I attempted suicide due to the horrendous time I had feeding that child. There was eons of support. I did the absolute best I could.

So why am I not just believed?

Please bear with me.My thoughts in this I find distressing and I’m trying to understand and unpick how I feel.

It's just that this is part of a bigger issue that needs to be recognised: the nhs gives out crap bf advice that leads to many women not being able to bf successfully

I think it’s a whole society issue. It’s not set up to be supportive of breastfeeding.

That’s the thing Kala. Women - and it is ALWAYS women - ask at baby group why did you stop. And there’s a standard. And if I say didn’t want to then that’s a ok to push me into trying harder. And sometimes I said didn’t want to because I didn’t want to get in to explaining the whole thing again and I just wanted to go in and get my baby weighed have a cuppa and go home.

There’s a standard of reasons women have to meet to be “allowed” not to BF.

And I think that’s wrong.

Probably the distinction to make is that breastMILK is best for every baby, you don't have to BF to achieve that. I think we need more work around normalising breastMILK donation and wet nursing.
I used artificial formula for both of mine until BF was established. I realise BF is a privilege and having access to safe and affordable artificial formula (AF) is a privilege too.
I think AF should be taken out of the hands of profit making companies and developed by a non-profit (but not charity) so that it becomes the best product it can.

“Didn’t want to. If that’s the reason.

Didn’t like it. If that’s the reason.

Couldn’t because of triggering re assault. If that’s the reason. ”

Those are all reasons why some women make free and informed choices not to bf.

Thinking you can’t when you want to and have been given crap advice is not a free and informed choice.

Breast milk is not always best.

Again.

Bertrand don’t you beleive women have agency?

Of course I believe women have agency.

So why don’t you beleive them?

I don't think "having agency" means what you think it means, OP.

@Bluedoglead I think you might misunderstand me. There is. I doubt these breastMILK is best for babies...but you don't have to breastFEED to achieve that.

Milk donation or wet nursing should be options so that any mother who doesn't want to FEED can still give breastMILK.

When donated it can be fed in a bottle and wet-nursing could be an amazing opportunity for some women (and the babies they feed!)

Every women's choice but every women should have more choice. Please re-read my post.

You've missed the point. The OP is saying why can't a woman just say she can't breast feed and the asked be satisfied with her answer. She doesn't need to be educated or questioned. She has a baby to care for, she's stopped BFing and it's too late to start again.
It might be helpful.to query the why's around the can't before the baby is born and then appropriate advice and support can be given but I someone says months after their child has been born that they can't breastfeed it's disrespectful to say oh i don't believe you when you know none of the facts.

Because sometimes they have been given the wrong information.

Argh typo that affects meaning it should read "there is no doubt that breastMILK is best for babies" 🤦🏼‍♀️

Sci-fi

Breast MILK is NOT always best for babies.

Agree with Sci-fi that breast milk is best but breast feeding may not be. One cannot doubt the scientific advantages of breast milk but sometimes getting that breast milk to her baby has such a negative effect on mum that the benefits are outweighed.

Unless baby has an allergy or something to the milk of course!

I think if any woman says she can't BF, or doesn't want to BF, then that's the end of the conversation.

If any woman says she'd love to BF, but has been told she can't, and leaves the conversation open for you to have a discussion about it (because in all aspects of parenting, including BFing, there are things that other women have tried thatsometimes work), then have at it.

I do wonder if the thing about not being "believed" about not being able to is that there's an underlying assumption there that the woman saying she couldn't would have wanted to, and it's natural for other women to want to "help" with suggestions, even if that "help" is actually unwanted and distressing.

More likely to have an allergy to something eaten by the woman providing the milk @JJPP123?

Of courselves women can chose to feed their babies however they want to. But I think there is a distinction between women that "can't" breastfeed because they are not supported to, told they can't because of medication, told they can't because they've got red hair or inverted nipples or they can't have enough milk because baby needs feeding more frequently than every 4 hours - due to myths and misunderstandings and lack of help/support/experience. Than women that can't due to the reasons you have all listed that you couldn't earlier in the thread.

My SIL "couldn't" breastfeed because she didn't have enough milk. Not because her DM and MIL told her she was feeding too frequently and she wasn't allowed to hold her own baby very much because her DF died when she was pregnant and holding the baby cheered up her DM. And then unsurprisingly she had crushing PND and was on anti depressants which meant she "couldn't" feed DC2. Except of course not all medication is contraindicated.

It hurt my best friend to BF. So she "couldn't" feed. She didn't see any trained breastfeeding counsellor or a midwife, her latch was never checked. She had PND.

I would argue that, if both of these women were supported to be able to bf, they would have felt that they had a choice over how to feed their DC, and however they ended up feeding them they would have been happier because it would have been their choice.

Now their daughters - and everyone else who they have preached evangelically to about the fact they "couldn't" breastfeed - thinks breastfeeding is this awful thing that causes PND. And it's not! It's the lack of support for them to make a choice.

@Bluedoglead - I'm not sure you've read past my first few lines in my posts (or me trying to fix my typo). I agree with you about BF. But generally speaking breastmilk is best.

One cannot doubt the scientific advantages of breast milk but sometimes getting that breast milk to her baby has such a negative effect on mum that the benefits are outweighed.

I completely agree with this but it's an important aspect that's largely ignored. I'm not convinced the health benefits to babies of breastfeeding are more significant than the wider benefits to a baby of having a mentally healthy mother.

But not in every case. And not always an allergy to something the mother has eaten either.

I googled it in the last thread.

And does it matter? Three months later when I’m at the baby clinic with a child still on high calorie formula because they can’t gajn weight, what is the point of asking me if i tried this or that? Or telling me here that if I had tried differently ...

“Or telling me here that if I had tried differently ...”

There are many women who might have been able to but if they wanted to if they had tried differently.

You are obviously not one of them.

Bertrand. Clearly you do not get it.

You saying that to me because you don’t know is unhelpful and in my opinion unkind. Why do you keep being so unkind?

It’s the equivalent of “well of course I didn’t mean YOU” when I pull up racism.

@Bluedoglead - you must ignore other people. You and your baby are in the care of experts. Could you find a stock answer to probing questions? Maybe even "my baby is in the care of experts, including me, I'm not entering into a discussion about XXXX"