Women who don’t be believed for their reasons not to BF - a feminist issue?

[Bluedoglead]

Bear with me, I’ve posted this here because I don’t think it’s a feminist issue and I want to unpick my thoughts.

I struggle with my reasons for not BF one of my children.

I was put in a position where the decision was out of my hands.

I do think the comments around “did you try could have tried different should have tried that” are almost victim blaming and they make me very very angry and feel disbelieved.

I attempted suicide due to the horrendous time I had feeding that child. There was eons of support. I did the absolute best I could.

So why am I not just believed?

Please bear with me.My thoughts in this I find distressing and I’m trying to understand and unpick how I feel.

[Rumpledfaceskin]

The problem with this thread will be the same as the last. The people on here are the ones who either physiologically can’t breastfeed or believe they can’t (yes I do get the irony of that statement). What Bertrand is saying is that scientifically we know only a very small percentage of women are physically unable to feed, so it would suggest that it’s more a problem of them establishing feeding with correct support. U.K. women are not different to women from around the globe. The feminist issue is that alot of women and society 8n general don’t have faith in their breasts as anything other than sex objects. We are still discussing public breastfeeding, women are still having trouble pumping at work etc.

[AccrualIntentions]

@Rumpledfaceskin yeah we cup fed. Until she wouldn't do that anymore either!

[Bluedoglead]

You can’t extrapolate general population trends to specific instances though. That’s wrong to do that when a specific actual woman tells you she could not BF, then you should believe her.

[taskmaster]

I believe you.

OTOH people talk a lot of rubbish about BF and it isn't possible that all the women who claim that they absolutely definitely could not BF are telling the actual truth. People say it when they mean they gave up quickly or didn't really want to or lots of other reasons.

The main question is why anyone cares? I don't care how other woen feed their babies, its not my business and I could not be less interested.

[Bluedoglead]

I couldn’t imagine telling a friend that she should have tried this or that and had she tried differently.

I’d respect her bodily autonomy and her right to make her decision for her body and her baby.

Why is different to abortion and/or sexual assault?

[taskmaster]

My point and the point of this thread is that there is a disconnect between we believe you in terms of sexual assault and we beleive you when it comes to not breastfeeding

You seem to be suggesting that we believe any women who says anything about anything?
Otherwise, where is the connection between sexual assualt and BFing? I find the comparison quite offensive actually.

[taskmaster]

I’d respect her bodily autonomy and her right to make her decision for her body and her baby

Thats' not at all the same thing as saying I believe anyone even when I know for a fact what they are saying is not true/.

[UpstartCrow]

Compare and contrast this thread with the thread about smear tests, where women demand agency.

[TheSmallClangerWhistlesAgain]

I've seen friends of mine being bullied horrifically by "breastfeeding peer counsellors" and others over their feeding choices.

The most recent one had been told all that stuff about breastfeeding being "a skill that you and baby have to learn together", and that it was all about practice and perseverance, trying every half-hour. "Practice" is fine in concept, but when you've got a distressed, starving newborn with an empty stomach and plummeting blood sugar levels, the time for practising is very, very limited. Her DS ended up in hospital with a tube up his nose. Once he started with mixed feeding, he flourished. My friend finally got some sleep and bonded properly with her son.

[JJPP123]

I think there's more to not being able to breast feed than having breasts that don't produce milk. Some women cannot tolerate it due to sexual abuse, some women can't maintain the pumping, feeding, cleaning routine (I had a friend in the PND group who was hallucinating due to not sleeping because if trying to breastfeed her baby). These and other reasons are valid reasons to say you can't breastfeed rather than you chose not to. I think it's important to respect that.

[Lovely456]

I actually think if you say you dont believe women how do you expect them to listen to you? Believing someone is showing empathy for their situation looking at them as a person not a milking machine.
I actually feel so sorry for some of the stories I have read on here today where women get so upset and feel so guilty about not being able to breast feed. I never had any guilt, to me I was just feeding my babies and taking care of them, and so are you all, Your babies are lucky to have you.

[Whydidyoucallmethat]

I had complete failure of lactation. I tried everything to stimulate my supply - drugs, pumping, skin to skin, you name it. My baby went down from a birth weight of 4 lb 8 to 3 lb 3 and ended up in scbu. My choice was bottle feed or a nasogastric tube. 12 years later I’ve more or less made my peace with it but threads like this bring it all back. Nobody has the right to criticise or even question women for how they feed their baby, unless they are doing something unsafe. Incidentally my daughter is the brightest pupil in her year at school and is very rarely ill.

[Bluedoglead]

Task what I’m saying is that there is a we beleive you re sexual assault. There is agency over abortion (forced birth etc) agency over smear tests and women having the right to choose not to. Or to. But the choice is with the women and they are believed, and if not, MN is up in arms and there’s a campaign or post upon post saying you have the right not to they should respect you and beleive you etc

Why is this so different?

[Rumpledfaceskin]

Blue dog no one would have any reason to question you personally. I believe you. But you are not the majority of women who are able to breastfeed but don’t! Its unfortunate for you as i can understand you feel you have to give a ‘reason’ when it’s discussed but you are actually in the majority in ff here. I have heard the same reason over and over from friends for giving up breastfeeding ‘I wasn’t making enough milk’ yet their babies are gaining weight perfectly. Why is that happening? Misinformation? Secretly they hate it but don’t feel they can admit it? Who knows? I do think this is an issue that probably affects you more if you’re from the Home Counties and are generally in more competitive parenting in general land. Where I live it’s not generally remarked apon in RL if you’re Ff as it’s the norm.

[Bluedoglead]

I had milk. Loads of it. Tons of it.

It’s not just about failure of milk supply.

It’s about

Didn’t want to. If that’s the reason.

Didn’t like it. If that’s the reason.

Couldn’t because of triggering re assault. If that’s the reason.

It doesn’t matter what the reason is, is the point I’m making. Women who FF are made to justify that on here and in RL in a way that feminists wouldn’t be happy with in any other area. Why is this different?

[SoupyNorman]

Of course women have agency when it comes to breastfeeding, don't be ridiculous. Of course women have the right to choose not to.

You'd never think from your post that only 1% of babies in the U.K. are exclusively breastfed to 6 months.

[taskmaster]

I actually think if you say you dont believe women how do you expect them to listen to you?

Listen to who, about what?

I have heard women say absolute nonsense about why they couldn't bf. I'm sure they often beleived it. I nodded and changed the subject, mainly because I've never understood why people want to talk about that kind of thing in the first place. I would never say "I don't believe you" but I didn't believe them.
(Ive also heard people with awful stories that I did believe, but again, not my business)

[KalaLaka]

OP I don't believe everyone who says this, as it's simply not true. Some people say they didn't have enough milk because their baby wanted to feed every couple of hours day and night. A doctor once told me not to bf as I had mastitis (ridiculous advice).

I am very sympathetic to your ordeal, it sounds horrific. I'm very sorry you went through that, I know some women can't breastfeed. It's just that this is part of a bigger issue that needs to be recognised: the nhs gives out crap bf advice that leads to many women not being able to bf successfully. This is also a feminist issue.

[KalaLaka]

its simply not always* true.

[taskmaster]

It’s about...Didn’t want to. If that’s the reason

It's not about that at all. Nobody is disbeliveing if someone says they didn;t want to.

[taskmaster]

It’s about...Didn’t want to. If that’s the reason

It's not about that at all. Nobody is disbeliveing if someone says they didn;t want to.

[Bluedoglead]

I fed the majority of my children well past 6months. In a very deprived area I fed my first until they were 17 months and I only stopped because I was pregnant and they wouldn’t feed any longer.

You can’t extrapolate general data to the specific.

[Lovely456]

I was reffering to berts comments taskmaster

[KalaLaka]

Women who FF are made to justify that on here and in RL

I have never ever seen this happen. I have never seen anyone ask a ff mother to justify her choice.

[KalaLaka]

'Didn't want to' is a legitimate reason. It doesn't mean 'couldn't'