Women who don’t be believed for their reasons not to BF - a feminist issue?

[Bluedoglead]

Bear with me, I’ve posted this here because I don’t think it’s a feminist issue and I want to unpick my thoughts.

I struggle with my reasons for not BF one of my children.

I was put in a position where the decision was out of my hands.

I do think the comments around “did you try could have tried different should have tried that” are almost victim blaming and they make me very very angry and feel disbelieved.

I attempted suicide due to the horrendous time I had feeding that child. There was eons of support. I did the absolute best I could.

So why am I not just believed?

Please bear with me.My thoughts in this I find distressing and I’m trying to understand and unpick how I feel.

[Namechange16]

I feel in situations where the baby is losing weight and the woman is trying trying trying to establish breastfeeding there comes a point when you have to wonder: why don't you just feed the baby formula so it can gain weight? What is holding you back? Is it that you're worried about the guilt and how you feel? Well to be honest with you it's time to stop worrying about how you feel and get your baby to gain weight!!

I didn't breastfeed and never felt guilty about it and I couldn't give two s what anyone thinks. It's not their baby so what do they care hiw I feed them anyway?!

[SonicVersusGynaephobia]

why don't you just feed the baby formula so it can gain weight? What is holding you back? Is it that you're worried about the guilt and how you feel? Well to be honest with you it's time to stop worrying about how you feel and get your baby to gain weight!!

Good for you namechange, but women often aren't able to make a free choice about when to stop. That's the issue. And that's why it's a feminist issue.

[AccrualIntentions]

@Namechange I was in that situation, and for me it was that I had swallowed so much of the formula is evil propaganda during pregnancy, that ff was presented as failure by so many of the midwives etc I'd been in contact with, and that no one I know bottle fed so it seemed totally alien to me. It had never for a minute occurred to me that I wouldn't bf.

All of those reasons seem completely ridiculous now, and I feel terrible that I persisted so long and spent so much time in hospital unnecessarily. I'm also a bit annoyed that the NHS colluded with me in that delusion. The health benefits of bf at an individual level are not enough to make that worth it. Apart from anything else, I probably cost the NHS thousands.

[Dozer]

I’m really sorry you had such a rough time and were suicidal.

Given this history and the understandable strength of your feelings on the matter a debate on MN, where posters will have a range of views and express them “robustly” probably isn’t a good idea.

[AgentCooper]

I agree with you OP and I'm so sorry your distress over feeding got as bad as it did.

One thing that pissed me off no end when I was really struggling with BFing was reading posts on here saying that only something like 2% of women genuinely can't breastfeed, thus implying that most who say they can't/couldn't are lying/lazy.

I think if you stop BFing due to serious difficulty, or horrible physical or emotional pain then you have every right to say it wasn't possible for you, even if it technically/physiologically was.

It worked out for us in the end, but so much of that was down to luck, not just perseverance. I hate that women end up feeling so unhappy over feeding at such a vulnerable time.

[Namechange16]

I think that the mental health of new mothers is so important and is being eroded by breastfeeding advocates and it is such a shame. I am not trying to goad anyone especially in my last post, I just think it should be everyone's individual choice and no one should be made to feel bad about that, end of.

[DioneTheDiabolist]

Not every topic has to be debated, or posts robustly made. Surely it's possible and maybe even desirable to have a discussion instead.

[SonicVersusGynaephobia]

Given this history and the understandable strength of your feelings on the matter a debate on MN, where posters will have a range of views and express them “robustly” probably isn’t a good idea.

Don't blame the OP for other posters' inability to not be dicks (or borderline bullies) to someone who they know is struggling.

[Bluedoglead]

I didn’t think victim blaming was acceptable here.

The issue with the baby clinic is for me the same as if I’d HAD an abortion. Got all the info had advice and HAD the abortion.

And then. Every week. Have to turn up to a clinic and be asked over and over had I considered such n such BEFORE I had my abortion and did I do this and that and had I tried the other. Because not having an abortion was the best thing. Because not having an abortion was the absolute best thing you could do.

And I find that problematic in terms of me being allowed to decide what havens with my own body.

And I’m disappointed in MN feminists that they victim blamed when I was the one being attacked, that they fell to the crazy woman head tilt have you had counselling trope and lastly that they don’t support women wh9 have made the decision and can’t see the internalised infantilising and misogyny they project when they ask why and have you tried.