Trans Widows escape committee

[TinselAngel]

This is a second attempt to start a thread for women who have been, or are still in unhappy relationships with Trans partners.

Having got out of a marriage to a man who transitioned shortly after we split, it would be good to be able to support others in a similar situation.

I know there's a few of you out there?

Tartan This relationship is literally killing you.

Is it safe for me to DM you? Are your emails private?

Tartan what makes you believe you don't have the strength or financial capability to separate? We can be stronger than we think when faced with no alternative - and what you are living with now isn't an acceptable alternative.

I honestly don't know how you, and others on this thread, have managed to stay in your relationships for so long after finding out. What makes you think your family won't support you?

Tartanhare. Practical advice - set up another bank account he doesn't know about and put everything, every spare peice of money into it NOW. Don't think about the reasons why you are doing this.
You are not responsible for his mental health, he is. No more guilt for how he feels - I know easier said than done, but feel this if nothing else.
Tell him now how you feel, how you are beyond breaking point. Your mental health is YOUR PRIORITY and you only have control over your own emotions (as he does over his).
Tell him you are not a lesbian and any relationship that fulfills you is with a man not a woman. This is not bigotry, just your reality.
He may want to live as a woman, but you being with him will hurt both of you as you want a man to have children with and he wants (God knows) ladiee time.
I have also only been with my partner since early teens, it is frightening to think of a life without them. Ive set out my "needs" to my AGP husband and he has now back tracked on all the trans stuff.
I know you've tried, God knows at my lowest I looked at tranny porn to try and get my self attracted and turned on by all of this. Unfortunately, I only like masculine men and nothing I can do can change that.
When you are this low there is nothing to lose, tell him you find him ridiculous and have no attraction to him. Give him a dose of reality, cold water on the delusions maybe what he!ps you both (all though incredibly hard to do).
I have managed to scrap a secret nest egg and I'm coming to the conclusion that when my children are older, I will set myself free.
Whether you stay or leave all the women here are with you, no judgement on your decision. Don't think about leaving if it's too much to think about. Think about separating your emotions and support, slowly at first. Do something soley for you (I watch crime dramas and do craft projects) that have nothing to do with him.
When he shouts suicide call the Dr and tell them everything, you are not qualified or in any position to help him, all you can do is steer him to proper qualified help, when suicide is mentioned the trans issue is no longer a secret but an urgent issue to be addressed by professionals. If it's a real suicidal intent, this is a must. If not you've called his bluff. I did this on the one and only times suicide was used on me - never to be used again.
Good Luck and all my love, none of this is easy, small steps and you will get there.

If you are desperate call Samaritans ASAP. Also set an appointment with your GP as an emergency NOW. There is help for you - reach out and take it. No more thinking about him, start thinking of you.

@EmilyHowardsWife great advice.

Can I ask why you need to wait until your kids are older? How old? I hope you are saving hard.

Just caught up in the thread.

I thought it would make me feel better that I wasn't alone, but really I am in an absolute rage that there are so many of these fetish addled, abusive, self indulgent, hideously behaved, mice of men out there, and they are dragging us in and ruining our lives. And we are letting this happen because we are conditioned to care, to be nice.

Sod that game. We should not let these pricks in panties away with this. Do what you need to do, but know you can achieve better. You have one life and no one is going to award you a medal for sacrificing it at the alter of their warped ego.

Tartan, as one widow to another, WTF? Get out! You are 39 not 69. You have no children to tie you to this horror show, get out!

Emily, I thought my life would be over, that I would be failing the kids by breaking up the marriage. It is early days, but the kids are just fine. They really are. My eldest (9) seems to have had a weight lifted from his shoulders since his father left. I thought I was spinning all the plates, that I was keeping things good and normal for them, but I was just chicken, I didn't want it to face the horrible truth that this is real.

If you did leave, the kids would be fine.

@EmilyHowardsWife apologies if I have got this wrong but someone on here was not living in their home country. If that was you and did split from your husband, would you be able to go to your home country with kids? Do you have support there or where you are now? If you split would you want to stay where you are or go back to home?

I'm just thinking if you are the poster who moved for her husband's work could you get him to move back, or to where ever you want to be. then if he starts up again, you can leave and be where you and kids have support.

you do not need to answer this but can if you wish to, or pm me.

Sorry if I am getting mixed up Sith another poster.

I am Not a trans widow so may be getting something wrong here on my approach! But I think you and kids should be where you can get support.

Birdbandit I'm very glad that you have managed to find the strength to separate. You may have challenges ahead, but I don't think you will regret leaving the person your husband has become. Your mental health will no longer be taking the battering it was receiving. It may take time, but it does get better.

to you and your children

God, I could cry. I've just heard one of DD's friends from primary school- a strikingly pretty, quirky 14 year old girl (who is extremely high function autistic), is now a "boy".

And she wasn't even a tomboy. Like the other FTM transitioner I know, in my family, she's just a girl who has trouble fitting in.

@TinselAngel I know, it is heart breaking. I hope this current trend passes quickly. It preys on so many.

Transgender Trend have a bee pack for use in schools which might be useful for this child's school.

I’m not a trans widow, but a regular reader of the GC threads and this thread was mentioned in one of them.

I’m so sorry for what you are all going through, and have been through. This sounds like a particularly cruel and isolating sort of abuse.

Really interesting (and depressing of course) to see how many of you have mentioned the high earning IT jobs, social difficulties and/or ASC. Would like to think that someone somewhere is researching all this, but I know it’s a difficult time to be doing such a thing!

Sending warm wishes to you all for a peaceful future.

I've not read the full thread, but I will. 3 pages was enough to make me comment.

I knew a transsexual 25 years ago,MTF but really his ideal was the Ladyboy, so he lived as a woman, dressed as a woman but had no intention of losing his genitals.

I thought the horrific details of his marriage,as shared with me by his ex once he'd died,were an anomaly. The forced multiple partners, while he was impotent,the fetishism. My god I really thought it was a one off. This thread is honestly the most distressing and eye opening I've read on mumsnet. How much more shit do women have to be warned about.

Tartan, I have no knowledge of agp but what you are describing is abuse. Please think about leaving. You can start again at any age...I left a DV situation aged 40. I had been with him since 16. It seems impossible but there is life on the other side.
I did the Freedom program through women’s aid. It teaches you about cycles and how we repeat them. And how you don’t have to be a battered wife to be abused.
Best wishes

Yes the years and years of abuse by a narcissist - the idealise, discard cycles when you've just had a baby (their idea) or got married (their idea), the other women they sleep with and then either deny or justify - that lead up to AGP and a unilateral decision to self identify as a woman. By which time you're so broken you just are floored by the whole thing. It takes times but you can and will escape.

@EmilyHowardsWife how are you doing?

@TartanHare how are you, please come back and talk if it helps you.

I didnt watch Transformation Street but there is an interview in this weeks Best with Stephanie (who used to be Mark) he told his wife two years into the marriage that he was transgender and she was shocked and upset but wanted the marriage to work. Over the next 20 years they didnt really discuss his trans feelings but his wife knew when he was "getting stressed and needed to be a woman for a while". So his wife would take their boys on day trips out so he could transform himself for a while.

Because of reading these threads i immediately started to wonder if she ever got an outlet or any me time for dealing with her own stress including the stress that may have been caused by this.

Crtghjkb

What did you tell the kids?

STBXH doesn't want anyone to know why he has left, I don't imagine transition is in his future, as he is all about the sexy secret thrills.

The elder of our children, who is 9, is really struggling with the split, and I don't know what to tell him.

Vague reassurance is cruel, it makes the child feel insecure. I remember how I felt when STBXH was lying, saying I was crazy etc, and how I felt to be dealing with all the consequence, without knowledge of the cause. It was shit enough for me, and I cannot tolerate making our child deal go through the same.

Any advice?

The truth.

Their father thinks he can live in a fantasy, and not face up to reality, and that he wants everyone to go along with that and that just hurts people when they are made to lie all the time. Life isn't like that, and eventually we have to be grown up and admit the truth rather than running away from it or bullying others to try to avoid bringing up that reality.

You had to be the grown up, and their Dad might think you are the bad guy for doing that, but you had to do that to keep on living for yourself and to get your hopes and dreams in life that are achievable and not just in the realms of fantasy. You wanted a better real life, not simply a fun imaginary one.

Honestly. Being told that I HAVE to go long with black being white by the rest of my family as they play along with my sibling, is this the thing that has driven me crazy.

Your kids deserve the truth, and lying in the short term is only going to add to the sense of betrayal in the future I suspect.

They need one parent to not be constantly living in a fantasy.

Red, I completely agree. This is really hard.

I can't get my head around his notion that it is ok for him to do this, but not ok for us to talk about it.

Left to his own devices he will do whatever the sexy hell he wants, lie and lie, and if you question then he will threaten to commit suicide.

It seems the woman he wants to be is Violet Beauregarde from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory!

Let him threaten.

Its not your fault if he can't live in the real world. You can't live in his fantasy.

Its ok to put your lives first for once.

As with all divorces you tell them an age appropriate truth...

Not sure how you make a sexual fetish age appropriate but I guess it starts with explaining about sex in a living relationship about what both people want!

Age appropriate truth. Always. Our son is adopted and we are told always age appropriate truth. Otherwise the shocks come in teenage years when they are harder to cope with. Children can cope with difficult things. The kids need to know it is not their fault.

I think you may need tovsoeak to a sympathetic counsellor to know how best to tell your children.