I was a facilitated wife for twenty years. My XH worked very hard running the house because mine was the higher paid, higher status job and I have some major health problems. Our sex life disappeared five years into the marriage and despite my best efforts we did not have sex for fifteen years. I couldn't accept this and left.
Then I met a man who I fell totally and deeply in love with. We were together for four years and during that time my XP told me that 'I rescued him from oblivion.' When I met him he was living in squalor in a tiny rented house, his washing machine did not work and, despite having a very well paid job and a large amount of money in the bank, bailiffs were regular visitors. This was as a result of his total inability to cope with daily life.
I moved in with him very soon after we met and I completely turned his life around. I still had my demanding job, while he, as an academic researcher spent most of his time sitting in his study doing exactly what he liked (He said he never worked for a moment because he loved his subject).
I did everything. And I mean everything. If I asked him to do something he needed reminding and supervising. He would often leave chores until 'he felt like it.' and this led to me doing them, as his tolerance for a sink full of dirty washing up was much higher than mine. I organised everything and showed him how to set up direct debits and standing orders so that bills were always paid.
We discussed buying a house between us and I found a beautiful, largish, Victorian mid terrace in an area we both loved. I organised the purchase, made the phone calls and the only thing he had to do was to occasionally speak on the phone, which I handed to him because he never answered his phone unless it was me calling. I organised and paid for the removals, did all of the packing and all of the changing of addresses, compared and chose the utilities and all he had to do was to turn up at the new house after we had moved. We chose furnishings together and very soon the house was beautiful and exactly as we both wanted.
During the house purchase it became clear that my job was under threat and my XP suggested that I keep my capital and redundancy payment, while he buy the house outright in his name. He told me that I wasn't to worry as he earned enough for both of us and we would be fine. I embraced the role of SAHP and decided to focus on him and his career, which he actively encouraged.
We moved in June and in October, one month after my redundancy completed and in the same week that my Dad died, he told me to leave and gave me two days to get out. The trigger was my attempt to have a conversation about money. At that point I had no income at all and suggested that we needed to re-organise the household costs as I was paying £500pcm (I did all the shopping and paid for our car) and he was paying £200 from a very high monthly salary.
In the aftermath, while I was searching for somewhere to live - my capital was nowhere enough to buy anywhere, I was jobless and discovering that its almost impossible to rent if you aren't working - he told me that he hadn't 'let me' buy half of the house because he wanted to be able to 'kick me out' when he wanted to.
When I left he hired a cleaner and a gardener. He now lives in a lovely house, which he owns, and has his life set up exactly as he wanted. I am struggling to set my own business while battling depression, anxiety and other health issues, and am renting a shared house with a friend.
My XP still owes me £10k as he wanted to have some savings left after the house purchase and promised that he would pay me back. I will never see that money again. I did everything for him and ended up with nothing.
There is no one else. My XP has Aspergers and I was the only person that he ever spoke to. We spent 24/7 together and he had been alone for six years, with only a very brief relationship in the previous eight years. I doubt that there are many women who would have taken him on because his Aspergers means that he is very rigid and socially awkward. I could see past all of that because of my background and I was completely blinded by what I thought was our mutual, intense love for one another. I also think that he is quite happy living in his bubble.
I feel like the SAHW who supported her husband for decades, only to find herself discarded in middle age: older, exhausted and fighting a sense of injustice; knowing that she knew better and feeling like an idiot because she loved and trusted her now ex DP.