Perhaps I qualify to "moan about men" as a CLASS (while simultaneously being married to the most incredible man on the planet).
See yesterday my mom came to my house for a hug... so sweet and benign at face value.
For context, I am 42yrs old - old enough to be covered under the protective class of age here in the US (so "old" by law standards lol).
But, you see, the need for a hug was predicated by the fact that her soon-to-be ex-husband approached me via phone about an incredibly inappropriate subject of which I disclosed to my mom yesterday morning. I also reminded her of the last time I saw her husband in person; two months ago he yanked my ponytail from behind me to pull me to him for a hug. The experience was very confusing and disturbing. She told me yesterday that he is a "hair puller" during sex (I surmised that when the incident occurred) and is particularly fond of ponytails in that regard... like a rein. Three years ago I was gently coerced (by my mom) into calling this man "dad" even though he isn't old enough to be my father and I made it known that it made me uncomfortable (also they've only been married eight and a half years and I've only seen him in person maybe 15 times over 8 years). I capitulated to the will of her desire to placate his feelings and thusly complied.
So yesterday she comes to my house for a hug after being completely inconsolable over the phone because she feels guilty. She feels guilty that she brought another misogynistic predator into my life. She feels guilty because when I was sexually assaulted at 5 years old in my own bed she hired the babysitter that committed the assault. She feels guilty that we parted ways when I was 16 and I went off into the world to live on my own. She feels guilty that when I broke up with a boyfriend at 18yrs old (6(+/-) month relationship) I was attacked in the dark in my apartment building then beaten, raped, and then left bleeding and naked unconscious on the street. She feels guilty that I had to have an abortion to maintain my own sanity after said rape.
But most of all she feels guilty for as she says "I brought an angel into a world of demons and saw it with such rosy glasses, with such blinders due to burying my own CSA experience - I believed I was protecting you". And she feels guilty that when I told her at 12yrs old about what happened to me at 5yrs she said to me "at least it wasn't your father". I don't blame her for any of those things and comforted her while she apologized and I continuously told her that she is not responsible for my experiences.
Four males (my grandfather, Billy the 16yr old boy that assaulted me at 5yrs, Michael the rapist, and mom's almost ex) directly and indirectly have impacted my mother's sense of the world today and retroactively judges herself and feels like a terrible parent - those are encounters with individuals that caused damage. Focusing on that though ignores all of the sexism she's encountered in her professional life and career and as a single parent. She's a brilliant person she has her doctorate (earned at my age) and has experienced all the trappings of being an attractive intelligent professional woman. She doesn't hate men even though she's going through a brutal emotional experience right now, she's keeping her sense of fairness in tact. Notably, her socialization still coerces her constantly to put herself in the backseat even when teaching to demand the seat up front. She taught me to: walk it off if I wasn't bleeding or physically broken, create and enforce personal boundaries (she's the exception in relation to my boundaries though which I am still trying to shake), take responsibility for my words and actions, support myself financially, be responsible for my own happiness. She is a really good mom.
Men as a class oppress women as a class today. As an individual woman in the private sphere I am seen as being private property ("the wife of DH" - even by my actual father as well as contractors and salespeople, the mortgage company won't speak to me about changing our loan terms unless my DH is present even though I'm first in position on the mortgage and primarily financially responsible, etc.). In the public sphere I am seen as being public property (no legal right to privacy from males when I change in the gym, words to describe my sex are being hijacked, random men come up and touch my body without my consent or legal recourse, and so on and so forth). Men call me baby, honey, sweetie, sexy, sugar, pumpkin - I am an infant, I'm an object, and I am food. Men call my DH boss, chief, sir, gentleman, dude, man, brother, etc. Men force past me, run into me, step on my feet, elbow me in the face when working through a crowd. Men get out of DH's way - they make a path for him, they take a step back or turn to accommodate, they excuse themselves when making their way through a crowd.
Good men, men who see the need for feminism understand that the way we navigate the world is different and the way we are treated while navigating the world is also different. Women's vulnerability is heightened in relation to and compared with men's. One punch to my face by a large man could literally kill me.
I am a survivor of child sexual abuse I am a survivor of rape and the necessary recourse (abortion). I'm a survivor of sexial harassment at work - I have lost three jobs (two professional) for refusing sexual advances by superiors at those institutions. Most men attempt to infantilize me because I'm short of stature, full of energy/animated communicator (I get told I'm sassy, firecracker, cute, sexy), and because most seem to not be able to think with their brain when they talk to me (arousal due to my "vivaciousness" it is my fault or so I'm told) shut down their ability to listen to me as a professional/peer/individual or because they see me as an object. Sometimes their inability to communicate with me is really beneficial in my professional field (negotiations especially) but mostly it's really really irritating with a side of demoralization.
Right that NAM are a threat (or misogynists or rapists or murders etc.) BUT AMA a potential threat. My DH is not a threat and is pretty fantastic IMO but not because he's perfect - because when I bring something to his attention (sexist or otherwise) he takes the time to consider it and comes back hours, days, or sometimes weeks later with a well-thought-out perspective of which we can then discuss the subject on a deeper level. I used to believe that none of my male friends were a threat until recently I had undisputable in your face proof (he in a fit of rage choked his wife of 30yrs - my BFF - to unconsciousness in front of their seven-year-old daughter).
Just like men as a class, men as individuals don't have to commit physical acts of violence to oppress women - they can do it with their words and how they model behavior for their sons and nephews et al. Some men are teaching boys to hate, oppress, and subjugate women and unfortunately some women worship at the altar of men's power further showing boys that dominating women is how to be a man.
I don't hate men as a group. To be honest I don't hate anyone. I hate mushrooms, asparagus, and squash; dairy and beef hate me... however, I love cows and they seem to like me too.
I am a feminist, a pragmatist, and a dreamer. I am strong and I have a voice.
Words are not violence how people internalize their meaning and act on their perspective can be violent. But I am internal locus of control kind of person and don't care what anybody thinks of me beyond those that I love. I leave the validation seeking individuals to validating each other so I can focus on maintaining (and gaining) my and future girls/women's rights (exclusive of all males regardless of how they identify).