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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

People calling you love, sweetheart, etc.

128 replies

Ineedagoodusername · 09/08/2017 08:13

This has annoyed me all my life and now at almost 40 it's still happening and I'm behind fed up. It's usually men. Anyone ever come up with a good retort? Got called sweetie by the fucking chef carving my meat in the carvery the other day. Was speechless! I'm short which seems to increase the likelihood of me being patronised.

OP posts:
Elendon · 10/08/2017 08:18

I had a thread about this a while back.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2983778-Being-called-flower-by-a-professional-male-is-not-on

I agree totally with you OP. It's used to demean you. Thankfully I'm not going with this person. I got another company in and there isn't mention of darling, flower, petal, sweetheart etc. I'm paying good money for their professional services.

MaisyPops · 10/08/2017 08:23

sandgrown
See if I was in that situation I'd instantly assume that the uppity husband was a dick. Grin
Someone being nice is hardly worth being uppity about.

schoolgaterebel · 10/08/2017 11:29

It does annoy me, but I let it go as it seems to come from a good place.

BertrandRussell · 10/08/2017 11:33

Has anyone said "Oh, but in Yorkshire men call other men "love"" yet?

Haven'read the thread, just want to tick the box on my " You're overthinking it" card.

ExConstance · 10/08/2017 11:35

If anyone called me "hun" I'd be sick.

Idratherhaveacupoftea · 10/08/2017 11:37

Doesn't bother me in the slightest, there are much important things to get upset about.

TheHiphopopotamus · 10/08/2017 12:09

The husband got all uppity and said "she's not your love!"

If she didn't like it, it's fair enough for her to say so. But if that was my DH, I'd have been embarrassed that he felt the need to stick his oar in. Smacks of being a bit possessive.

MaisyPops · 10/08/2017 12:29

Exactly TheHiphopopotamus.

The only person in that situation who has grounds to politely raise an objection is the women.

What does the husband think will happen? His wife's going to be caught in some steamy moment in a hotel the second some Yorkshire man called her love. Seduction the Yorkshire way Grin

PricklyBall · 10/08/2017 12:30

Bertrand: Has anyone said "Oh, but in Yorkshire men call other men "love"" yet?

But they do, they really do (both amazed and amused me the first time I witnessed it having moved to Yorkshire).

As with everything else context is all. So in a shop in Yorkshire, on receiving change, male shopkeeper says to female me "thanks love" - I wouldn't bat an eyelid. He might be sexist, he might not - that single word choice in that context doesn't establish it.

Same scenario in a shop in London - hell yes, I'd assume he was sexist, because "love" wouldn't be part of his everyday vocabulary, it would be an attempt to patronise me because I was a woman.

Professional scenario in Yorkshire where everyone is expected to be on their best "RP" behaviour - if a male manager called me "love", in this context I'd assume he was being sexist.

I now live in the South West - my next door neighbour occasionally greets me with "Alroight, moi lover?" Now that is disturbing (for me, because of my background - he on the other hand genuinely doesn't mean anything by it...) The slightly slimey neighbour opposite on the other hand, who doesn't ever call me that because he's from the SE, but greets me with "'Ello darlin'" - now that's creepy on all levels - because he is a bit creepy and does want into my knickers (friends on the street have confirmed my reading of the situation).

Yes, sometimes words just are regional variations. And sometimes they are creepy. And women have incredibly finely honed twat-dars, developed over decades of having to deal with creeps. Which is why I have no difficulty distinguishing between the Yorkshireman wishing me a cheery good day in his normal dialect, and a Londoner saying the same word and being creepy as fuck.

MaisyPops · 10/08/2017 12:32

Has anyone said "Oh, but in Yorkshire men call other men "love"" yet?
Nope. But dare I say it, that's probably because doing that might appear 'a bit gay' and in communities that do it there's probably a lot of 'I have no issue with gay folk, but don't think I'm gay' / 'we're men. And men take the piss out each other. None of this being nice nonsense'.

millifiori · 10/08/2017 12:51

I don't mind it at all. Unless it's done in a patronising way (e.g. estate agent to me: 'You'll want to look in the kitchen love' and to DH: have you sorted financing?' That makes me want to extract their teeth with pliers. But the usual person serving in a bakery asking what can I get you love/darling/hinny/pet/flower/lamb/petal/my luvver? etc is just warm and friendly to my ears.

llangennith · 10/08/2017 13:01

Hun is the worstAngry

deydododatdodontdeydo · 10/08/2017 13:18

Has anyone said "Oh, but in Yorkshire men call other men "love"" yet?
Nope.

Well...only in the post above yours and several times on the preceding pages, but carry on stereotyping Yorkshire folk as homophobic anyway...

MiaowTheCat · 10/08/2017 13:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MaisyPops · 10/08/2017 13:41

deydododatdodontdeydo
Not saying Yorkshire folk are homophobic.

I've mentioned that in communities where love, pet etc are used there's often quite a blokey-bloke thing there.
Certainly is round my way further north.
People aren't homophobic at all, but if I looked at the interactions between my male friends it's very much banter and a bit of (irritatingly outdated) 'ahh mate don't be soft' if guys display the same level of affection in friendships as women do (and part of that, is probably rooted in historical attitudes towards masculinity and sexuality). So women can call anyone pet, love, darling. Men will call women and children pet/love/darling, but men wouldn't call another man those terms, they'd probably get 'alright mate?!' instead. A guy probably wouldn't say 'mate' to a woman and a woman wouldn't say it to a man.

BertrandRussell · 10/08/2017 13:58

And all over Derbyshire, men in shops and offices are calling each other "duck".

Yeah, right.

PricklyBall · 10/08/2017 14:42

Bertrand, have you ever actually been north of the Watford Gap? I can't vouch for Derbyshire and duck, but I can definitely confirm it is common for men to call each other love in Yorkshire.

TheHiphopopotamus · 10/08/2017 14:54

Bertrand so everyone who actually lives in Yorkshire or Derbyshire and says that men call each other 'love' or 'duck' are lying, are they?

deydododatdodontdeydo · 10/08/2017 14:55

Yep, not every single man, but it's common in some areas of Yorkshire, not so much others.
Seems some people find it hard to believe though...

noeffingidea · 10/08/2017 15:02

I think some people just might find it a little bit difficult to accept they don't know everything about everything.
I have heard that some younger men address each other as babe or baby, without any sexual connotations.

MiaowTheCat · 10/08/2017 15:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BertrandRussell · 10/08/2017 15:09

Well, in 30 years close association with Yorkshire you would have thought I would have heard it at least once. And Bradford born and bred dp says he hasn't heard it either in 50 years. Although he does say it's something he has heard happened sometimes a long time ago............

MaisyPops · 10/08/2017 15:20

I think there'll be some sub-regional variation within counties.

In my area men call other men 'mate' and call women pet, love etc.
Tend to only hear women calling other women 'hun' or 'chic' (both annoy the life out of me but ah well).
Pet, love and darling are used by women to almost anything with a pulse including pets. Grin

Emboo19 · 10/08/2017 15:22

The couple next door (I'd guess 70's) both say 'hello/alright love' to both me and dp.

I'm in the north and wouldn't say it's common for men to say it to men, but they do. Our local butcher calls most men 'son' and he's even said it to me before which did leave me a bit Confused

I've never really given it much thought before now to be honest. But I've been out shopping today and this thread was in my mind and it's really interesting, just listening to what people say and how they say it!!

Whathaveilost · 10/08/2017 15:25

I'm from the North and virtually everyone uses those sort of endearments to everyone. Bloke to bloke is usually 'A'right cock' response, 'aye, mate, not so bad'
Women to women 'hiya, love, how ya doin?' response 'good, darlin', and you?'
Everyone is someone's sweetheart, hun, love etc, even if you've only just met them!

To be honest I would miss it!

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