Why do girls let the boys get away with it?

[Weneedarevolution]

My DS is doing A levels. In geography they have been put in a group of boys and girls - 5 students I think. They have to complete a project. The girls have organised and allocated th work, my DS has minimal work to do. He is GOOD at geography his input would help the girls. He is quite happy to let this happen as he can benefit from their efforts while getting on with other work.

His argument is that if they had asked him he would have gladly helped but they organised it and he just agreed. I really believe if the girls asked he and his friends would do the work to a high standard.

This has happened through out his school career, he and his friends almost expect it now.

So who is to blame the girls for not asking or the boys for letting it happen?

If I, as his mother, don't tell him what to do and how to behave then who will?

All the girls apparently...

Have you straight out told him he is being unfair and unkind?

You're expecting rather a lot of some 16 year old girls to make your DS understand why it's wrong to take advantage of women!

Thats exactly it, Buffy.

It isn't the girls job to teach your son to be a better person - it sounds like they have enough work to do covering for his lazy arse.

I think pontificationcentral is spot on.

If he were in a group with his male friends and they were leaving him out, he would be making an effort to get involved because he wanted their respect and company.

What Buffy said at 20.29

He is not lazy, but he can see no logical benefit of asking for extra work when he does not need it. If the work was being assessed he would not leave it to others.

So if it's not important and there's no value to the work, the girls can do his share, but when there's credit to be had the girls can step aside and he will do his share? He (and the other boys) should be making sure he does his own share of work because he's supposed to be an equal member of a team. He can't just decide to be an equal member and do his share when he's going to get credit and benefit.

I'd ask him why he thinks that just because he is better at geography, does he feel that he doesn't need to pull his weight? I'd ask if he'd be ok left doing the bulk of the work if he were the least knowledgeable of the team? I'd also ask him if he thinks other teams work this way in general, like does the best sports person not take part in training and then just turn up to win the medals etc.

Coukd you speak to his teacher, they could encourage them all to do their fair share or acknowledging the fact the girls did the bulk of the work when marking etc.

I think I'll give up.

The girls seem happy, but I think they are being taken advantage of and should challenge the boys.
The teachers seem happy but I think they should challenge the boys.
The parents of my DS friends seem happy but I think they should challenge the boys.

If no one challenges them they will continue. I hoped education was about more than grades. The girls need to be educated to deal with lazy men and the boys, my DS included, need to be educated to not take the easiest option.

I am challenging the boys vocally and frequently, but I am a crap mother who has asn entitled, lazy shite of a son.

And what does your DS say when asked about fairness?

I would say to you son:

You can get away with not doing work but it is not fair, it is not right and it is entitled.
You might still get a good mark but school is more than about getting a good mark.
Working in a team allows you to learn networking, communication and organization skills.
No academic work is ever wasted.
Time to step up and do the right thing for you and for the group.

Yonic I really admire your tenacity

You could easily speak to the teacher about it. It's a straightforward thing to say, that you're concerned your son isn't understanding the dynamics of group work and has taken advantage of the girls' organisation and effort. Ask the teacher to monitor this next time, specifically to pay attention to his attitude and engagement.

You could also talk to him about fairness. You could also talk to him about the fact that his subject teachers will contribute to his UCAS reference, and he should be concerned with how the teacher perceives him.

It seems, from my experience, this pattern of behaviour in mixed groups is nor uncommon. It is I believe from talking to teacher friends the norn.

I would appreciate advice from the mothers of sons who join in and are enthusiastic, who ask for extra work. My DS sadly represents the norm. I can only assume everyone else on this thread must have sons who defy this depressing trend. Well done you.

The teachers think he is brilliant. He is according to them quiet and hardworking.

When I ask him about fairness ( sorry it took so long) his response is along the lines, it was their decision, I would do it if asked (he would), they enjoy doing that kind of thing. He is deflecting, I know and he knows because I tell him. I know everyone else has fully formed perfect children but my DS is struggling with a wish to do the right thing vs his wish for an easy life.

maybe their experience of involving a boy / your DS in the detail is that the boy / your DS tends to take over, and they like being able to do things in their own way?

Maybe they don't like your DS?

Maybe they want to work some stuff out for themselves, and they are worried that DS will jump straight to the answers without letting them think it through themselves?

Olennas "Maybe they want to work some stuff out for themselves, and they are worried that DS will jump straight to the answers without letting them think it through themselves?" I think this one. He would not take over, far too much effort.

Challenge him and keep challenging him. Tell him you're a bit disappointed in his attitude. Tell him it's no one else's responsibility but his own. It's not up to the girls in his class to force him to be a decent human being. Get your DH to do his fair share at home without you having to ask or remind, to model the behaviour you want.

I understand where your son is coming from, the work is not assessed, he is already good at the subject and the girls in his group seem happy to take over. If I was around his age I would happily let's others deal with it. It's not assessed so whatever work they come up with isn't going to bother me. If someone spoke to me about fairness at the age he is at I would just roll my eyes, I mean if the people in question want to do it then my minimal input isn't going to affect them negatively.

He is around 16/17? He probably won't change his view on this no matter what you say. He may have a different outlook when he is older though so it is still worth mentioning.

Buffy so the girls don't have any responsibility to tell him. I can't tell him because I am a woman and I am causing the problem.

How does he learn?

Is his dad around? Do you have a partner showing him a good example of "doing because its your responsibility rather than because you've been asked"?

Will you raise this with the teacher?

I am the mother of two sons who get involved and do their fair share, because it's always been expected of them to do that, but then both of them want to succeed in what they do and not be seen to be lazy and useless.

Holowiwi are you my son?

Have you finished your chemistry homework?