DH is 'glad' of verdict

[HexBramble]

I'm sickened tbh.
He announced this morning that he is happy and glad that justice has been served and will not listen to reason.
We have 3 daughters.

Good morning, hex. Sorry to hear that you are feeling so bad just now. Have you got anyone IRL who you can talk to about this? Family, friend, or perhaps a professional? Sending you vitual support through the internet

zefcal

Hex

The thing is (and I don't know the post you are referring to, AF or hex , I am surmising from my own reactions) that high profile media cases where the woman is decried and devalued rather than seen as a victim of rape - these cases raise repressed trauma and experiences in women who have been raped. It is not like a one stop (getting over it), it is an on-going continual process of living and coping with it.

It was actually the Julian Assange case which did it for me, it triggered memories I had managed to suppress for a good number of years. It did not matter that my experience was over a decade previously, it felt real like it happened the day before. George Galloway made some public crass comments too, supporting Assange, so it was in the media. That triggered me to stop forgetting. It was not something I had control over, it was like my brain shouting at me to take notice and start healing. But also, from things my xH was saying, knowing that he would never 'get it' and from his behaviour, knowing I did not feel safe enough to heal there.

This is some years ago and I feel able to talk about it, but sexual violence goes to the core of you; and so does societal acceptance of it. And the more people who acknowledge, rather than minimise that/blame the victim, the better.

Hex I haven't seen your other post but wanted to say I was surprised by how strongly I was affected by the trial/verdict, it's been pretty horrifying and I have felt so upset and angry, a lot of very old feelings coming to the surface.

If you are in a similar kind of position is it possible for you to get some support, as PP said maybe from Rape Crisis/Womens Aid/a trusted friend? I know it must be hard as it should be your DH you lean on for support, but if he isn't giving it you still need the support for you from somewhere.

Obviously there are DH issues which you will probably want to tackle but I really feel you need this support at this time to enable you to have the strength to do this. Trying to separate the issue of any current feelings you're struggling with might be the best way so you have strength to tackle the DH problem?

Apologies if I've misunderstood, and I've probably worded it badly too but I hope you know what I mean. I'm so sorry things are so difficult and your DH is letting you down At least you can know you have lots of support here and people who know you are in the right and your feelings aren't wrong at all.

Dont you think the situation of a woman who gets attacked walking home and raped is worse than the situation where a girl cant even remember what she did or not in a night where she was already having casual sex with a random?

Wtf? No I do not, rape is rape regardless of the circumstances. Just because someone is drunk, doesn't mean they are somehow at fault for being raped. Jesus Christ.

Hope you are doing okay hex

Hi all,

We've had a few reports about some posts on this thread and we wanted to point you all in the direction of the Rape myths we are challenging as part of the We Believe You campaign.

I like how you are pointing us 'all' in that direction, Rebecca.
That sounds like sarcasm, but it really did make me smile :)

It is funny, though - the prevalence of rape myths really can make one believe that if you are not being grabbed in a dark alley, it is not rape. It is a distressing, shameful somehow, traumatic experience which you cannot name and you cannot give voice to because you grew up thinking that rape was something which happened when you were alone walking in a dark alley and not asleep in your own bed in your own house. Or whatever other circumstance.

Flippin'eck that video! Absolutely perfect. That should be a sticky at the top of this board and the Relationships and Sex as well.

It is a distressing, shameful somehow, traumatic experience which you cannot name and you cannot give voice to because you grew up thinking that rape was something which happened when you were alone walking in a dark alley and not asleep in your own bed in your own house. A bit of a lightbulb moment for me here. About silencing women and not being allowed to define your abuse. Abuse being defined by the abusers.

It is kind of what is happening with your relationship, Hex. Someone has come on and defined what you can and cannot find acceptable in your relationship. Your husband, to a certain extent is defining it for you too.
You can choose to end a relationship (if that is what you want) when you want. When that line has been crossed. That line is a line you set, that is defined by you and no-one else gets a say in it .

I think your dh is reading news reports and believing the new witness. I have just read it it sounds awful. He made her sound loose like that is how she is getting drunk and falling into mens beds. If the woman was that drunk to give consent then no man should go near her he is taking advantage of her vulnerability. The only question that I have is why wasn't the other guy who was in the room convicted of rape wouldn't he be an accessory to him raping her. That must have been used in the court case. They got a lot wrong in that case and the person I feel sorry for is the victim she got it and her confidentiality was taken from her.

*To not give consent

"The only question that I have is why wasn't the other guy who was in the room convicted of rape wouldn't he be an accessory to him raping her."

Juries do not disclose their reasoning.

However, I suspect in the first trial, they may have felt that CM had more grounds than CE for 'reasonable belief in consent' as he shared a taxi back to the hotel with the complainant and at least had conversation with her, unlike CE, who let himself in without invitation whilst CM and the complainant were naked in bed. Therefore they may have felt the case against CM wasn't proved beyond reasonable doubt.

The CPS could probably have charged CM with conspiracy to rape; I imagine they felt a rape conviction was more likely and chose that instead.

To be clear, I expect I would have held a different view if on the original jury.

Hillary, I see your point, in the first trial, CE being put away should have at least raised a question about the other chap being complicit.

zefcal, the problem here is that you are shouting your victim blaming viewpoint over the top of a woman who is clearly struggling with some painful issues right now. Go and find another thread discussing the case if you must, but for the love of god will you please SHUT UP on this one. There is a real person hurting behind the screen here and you are rubbing salt in the wound.

ODFOD.

"Yes, rape is always wrong and a guy should always get consent"

Anyone who follows up this statement with the word "but" is a real fuckwit and a rape apologist to boot.

I don't want to derail a support thread but some statements need to be challenged. It's pretty clear what their real agenda is doesn't it.

I hope you're ok, hex. Sorry there's an arse on your thread.

I think AF has it spot on as well. I think this has just opened your eyes to other issues.

I can't say I've actually directly discussed this case with DH but his opinion on similar things has always been that we need to teach MEN how to behave NOT condemn women for the way they dress/what they drink etc so I know we are in agreement on these kinds of things.

I suspect you need to look at your marriage very carefully and make some hard choices. I wish you luck with that.