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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

Ms, Mrs,Miss

520 replies

LookAtMeGo · 05/08/2015 22:05

Apologies in advance, as I'm sure it has been done to death. But today I realised the truth of why I refer to myself as Mrs even though I'm divorced. My mum is divorced and told me as a child in response to me asking why she is still Mrs that it is so nobody judges her and she looks respectable (not her actual words, but that's what I got from the convo at the age of about ten)

Even as a highly educated professional, I still wanted to hold on to the title post-divorce and I feel pretty... I don't know... angry? Upset? Ashamed? I really don't know. All I know is I don't feel good, and I shall be Ms from now on.

Any thoughts? Is there something else I should be doing?

OP posts:
Original poster
LookAtMeGo · 05/08/2015 22:41

I'm concusddcNout your lDy messAge, notjust apot

OP posts:
Original poster
LookAtMeGo · 05/08/2015 22:43

Haha, the irony! I was just saying I didn't understand your last message! Blush

OP posts:
YonicScrewdriver · 05/08/2015 22:44

You don't have to change your name again if you don't want to! Try getting used to Ms for a bit first...

NotJustaPotforSoup · 05/08/2015 22:45

Heh heh

I filled in a form and put Colonel. Because they didn't have Ms. Rebel, me.

reynoldsnumber · 05/08/2015 22:45

I've been married for two years and I'm still Miss Ownname, just like I always was. I don't want to be a Mrs and never really understood Ms (I do now), and no way would I change my surname.

I may be in a minority as a married Miss, however i thought I'd chip in just to indicate that anyone can be anything so just choose the name you like and stick with it.

I personally think the whole 'naming women' thing is very odd. When you get married the convention is to change your name - surname and your pre-fix. This in itself is fairly big stuff, a new identity is created. Then you may get divorced and what then? Back to your first 'name', keep the current even though the partner it came from is gone, or perhaps something completely new. Most men never have to consider this stuff. Maybe I'm hoping that by staying Miss reynoldsnumber forever I won't have to go through it.

My mum, divorced for 20 years, is still Mrs Dad's surname which seems odd to me, but she doesn't really care.

Original poster
LookAtMeGo · 05/08/2015 22:50

I bet you she's 'Mrs ex husband's name' for fear of stigma.

OP posts:
Shireslass · 05/08/2015 22:50

I recently got married and my name is a big part of my job. I refused to change any part of it, it is surprising how many people struggle to deal with this and try to re-name you!

Original poster
LookAtMeGo · 05/08/2015 22:52

Or bc it's your name. Why else would you keep an exes name?

OP posts:
YonicScrewdriver · 05/08/2015 22:52

You could be "Rebel Colonel" Pot? That would sound v historic fiction...

SenecaFalls · 05/08/2015 22:54

I've been Ms. pretty much my entire adult life, but I am American and it is much more common here than in the UK so not as much of a statement. It's the default title for women, especially in professional settings. Seldom do businesses or forms to be filled out ask for titles in the US.

I kept my birth surname when I got married. DH and children all have his name.

tribpot · 05/08/2015 22:58

it is surprising how many people struggle to deal with this and try to re-name you!

Quite, Shireslass. My grandmother called me by my (usual) name and then stopped and said 'I mean .. [pause to remember DH's surname]' I said 'it's still ' and she said 'well that's very confusing'. Er, how is it confusing that my name is still my name?? What could in fact be LESS confusing than that?!

Obviously the reality is less simple, every Christmas I run a sweepstake on the number of cards I get in the wrong name. I can understand distant relatives of DH who assume I have his surname but some of my friends imagine we have hyphenated our names and send cards like that, or just assume I've changed my name even though I have said repeatedly that I haven't. I've taken now to commenting on it on Facebook (where, shocker, I haven't changed my name - a clue perhaps?) and this seems to be working.

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 05/08/2015 23:00

I am married but a Ms.
Kept my surname at marriage. So did my mum.

BackInTheRealWorld · 05/08/2015 23:01

I was miss til I got married....then I thought screw that Mrs bollocks, I'll be Ms.
And I didn't change my surname. And I insisted my children took my surname too. That one was really important to me. And now I'm divorced. And I'm glad as fucking hell my kids have my surname. And I'm still Ms.

YonicScrewdriver · 05/08/2015 23:02

My mum said the same when I got married, "oh I don't know if I'll remember..."

SHE AND I HAVE SHARED A SURNAME ALL MY LIFE!!

BackInTheRealWorld · 05/08/2015 23:05

And I don't understand why women are so easily accepting of their kids having the mans surname. In the case of break ups it's mostly the women who bring up the children. And if eiTher of them go on to have more kids they go through it all over again. The men can have their surname all over the place and the women are bringing up the kids with other people's surnames. Why?
I might feel more strongly about the situation because my surname is awesome! But still....

herethereandeverywhere · 05/08/2015 23:06

I chose to be Ms the first time I filled in a form that gave me that opportunity (opening my student bank account) I have been Ms ever since.

I did not take my husband's name when I got married as I did not want to change my name - it's an integral part of me. It felt like changing my identity and I didn't want to do that (and I also felt subjugated to my husband who did not even have to consider such a cultural norm...)

I don't have the same surname as my kids (5 and 3) so far noone has ever even mentioned this may be an issue. Do people really see this as something to stigmatise Confused? I think everyone who knows us things 'oh, she didn't change her name' if they think anything at all...

My daughters know my name is different to theirs though I describe myself as being part of 'Family [their surname]' as I feel this is an age-appropriate explanation. as they get older I'll explain in more detail.

NotJustaPotforSoup · 05/08/2015 23:07

"Colonel Rebel" I might deed poll it.

The naming thing on marriage is totally baffling to me now. I love it when I ask grooms to be if they are changing their name. Because it is thought of as bonkers, generally. Post - equality, my arse.

LassUnparalleled · 05/08/2015 23:08

So stupid. Can't believe I thought 'Mrs' was a promotion!?

I really did, though. And looked down on people titled 'miss' after about 35

Those comments are really quite astonishing.

songbird · 05/08/2015 23:10

Great convo with my mum recently about my cousin. Mum: what's *Fiona's married name? Me: same as it's always been, Fiona Smith. Mum: no that's just for Facebook, what's her married name? Me: she kept her maiden name. Her husbands surname is Jones, but she's still Fiona Smith, and actually she's Dr Fiona Smith now isn't she? Mum: hmm so Mrs Fiona Jones? Me: no, Dr Fiona Smith HmmShockAngryGrin (the range of emotions I felt during the exchange!)

  • names changed to protect the innocent.
herethereandeverywhere · 05/08/2015 23:10

"women bringing up kids with other people's surnames"

Erm, they have the surname they have always had, which is the surname of their father! "other people' makes it sound like they just dragged someone off the street!

Just as I did not like the idea of associating DH's surname as ownership of me I prefer to not view the kids names in the same way either.

AmeliaNeedsHelp · 05/08/2015 23:15

I'm getting married in December and I'm going to be Ms. I really hate that my marital status is announced as part of my title.

I am, however, changing 'my' surname. I grew up with a different surname to my mum and siblings - the surname I was given felt (and still feels) like it belonged to my dad. If I had my way we'd pick a totally new surname, but DP is very attached to his. The discussion about it was interesting tho - DP had never really considered the inherent sexism in many of the wedding / marriage traditions.

MrSlant · 05/08/2015 23:15

I am in the same embarrassed boat. Newly divorced, still Mrs Ex-Name because a) I am SO lazy, I think the world should have Master/Mr Miss/Ms (or Mrs, just one for all women past maturity) but I cannot be faffed changing everything, so much paperwork after a year of horrible paperwork and b) I don't know how to say Ms. Mostly b.

I want to be Ms because I would have liked to be Ms when married, I applauded when it became the French staple. But I can't say it so people understand. I am an embarrassment. Also I want to keep my 'married' surname because my maiden name was awful. Blush

It helps that my current surname is the same as what feels like 75% of people where we live so I don't feel connected to ex-H, just one of millions.

Laura7010 · 05/08/2015 23:16

I'm not married to my partner and we are expecting a baby in November. I had no problems with not being married and still being a Miss. That is until filling in forms for midwife and hospital etc... I am ashamed to admit that putting Miss made me somehow feel inferior. As if the fact I am not married will make me any less of a mother. That's the first time I put Ms. I hated the way I was made to feel by a stupid form!

drudgetrudy · 05/08/2015 23:17

The title Ms having been introduced to stop women being defined by their marital status I was very irritated at work when never married women were listed as Miss, married women as Mrs. and divorced women as Ms.-thus defining them even more. I asked my line manager to change me Ms. His response "Why, aren't you proud of being Mrs?"

Lightbulbon · 05/08/2015 23:21

I'm 35+ and I (still) put 'Miss' on forms.

It'd never occur to me that anyone would judge me for that!

My dm's been divorced for over a decade but is still mrs dad's name. Her birth surname is a dud though!

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