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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

Original poster

Ms, Mrs,Miss

520 replies

LookAtMeGo · 05/08/2015 22:05

Apologies in advance, as I'm sure it has been done to death. But today I realised the truth of why I refer to myself as Mrs even though I'm divorced. My mum is divorced and told me as a child in response to me asking why she is still Mrs that it is so nobody judges her and she looks respectable (not her actual words, but that's what I got from the convo at the age of about ten)

Even as a highly educated professional, I still wanted to hold on to the title post-divorce and I feel pretty... I don't know... angry? Upset? Ashamed? I really don't know. All I know is I don't feel good, and I shall be Ms from now on.

Any thoughts? Is there something else I should be doing?

OP posts:
NotJustaPotforSoup · 05/08/2015 22:07

Be Ms. Not because you're divorced. But because you are you and your marital status is not for public consumption.

sooperdooper · 05/08/2015 22:10

I've always been Ms, before I was married and now I am - I think it's nobody else's business whether or not I'm married and I couldn't care less whether anyone judged me one way or another for it

Original poster
LookAtMeGo · 05/08/2015 22:11

So stupid. Can't believe I thought 'Mrs' was a promotion!Confused

I really did, though. And looked down on people titled 'miss' after about 35BlushSadAngry

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Original poster
LookAtMeGo · 05/08/2015 22:12

Really hard to admit. Sorry!Blush

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Original poster
LookAtMeGo · 05/08/2015 22:13

sooperdooper, did you change your name?

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tribpot · 05/08/2015 22:15

I've always been a Ms. Haven't the least interest in whether anyone has ever judged me for that title - what difference could it make to my life?!

What surname are you using, out of interest?

Original poster
LookAtMeGo · 05/08/2015 22:15

I have kept my married surname even though I am divorced, bc I want the same name as my children and I must admit it's bc of fear of stigma. Should I revert?!

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Original poster
LookAtMeGo · 05/08/2015 22:16

Tribpot, did you change surname after marriage?

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tribpot · 05/08/2015 22:17

I haven't got the same name as my ds. (I am married to his dad). Stigma schmigma - who cares?! Don't change it if you don't want to, it's your choice. It sounds like it would do you good to challenge some of your preconceptions about the importance of marriage in defining a woman's identity though!

NothingUpMySleeve · 05/08/2015 22:18

I can't understand why most forms require information on your marital status in 2015, it's not the dark ages! I'm Ms anywhere it's officially required, on forms where it's totally irrelevant I'll just tick the most ridiculous box, I was Sister on the last form which requested a title they didn't need...

Original poster
LookAtMeGo · 05/08/2015 22:18

Fwiw I hate my married name bc it's so hard to spell and really doesn't go with my first name!

OP posts:
BuffytheReasonableFeminist · 05/08/2015 22:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
LookAtMeGo · 05/08/2015 22:19

Haha, nothing!

I'll srart doing that!Grin

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Original poster
LookAtMeGo · 05/08/2015 22:20

Thanks buffy.

But should I change my name or not?'

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DansonslaCapucine · 05/08/2015 22:21

I am Ms. I have never wanted to be respectable.

Chrysanthemum5 · 05/08/2015 22:23

When I did my PhD (a long time ago) there was an advice book on doing a PhD which basically said that women often undertook this qualification so they could be called Dr and avoid the Ms/Miss/Mrs debate. It seemed a very poor reason for 3 years of misery. Also I always thought Miss was the female equivalent of Master e.g. A title for a child so I didn't expect to be called it as an adult.

However now i realise it does matter to lots of people so i do insist organisations call me Dr because I refuse to discuss my marital status with them ( yes John Lewis I'm looking at you for your belief that I can't be called Dr because I'm a woman). Or if they don't have Dr I use Ms, it's really no ones business whether or not I'm married. Even with this a lot if the time I find people use Mrs because I'm old and they seem to feel it's polite.

tribpot · 05/08/2015 22:23

But should I change my name or not?'

What do you want to do? I don't think anyone on MN is going to say 'Oh Em Gee you have retained your married surname after divorce, I have never heard of that in my ENTIRE LIFE' as it is extremely commonplace, esp where there are children. Equally lots of people have changed back to their maiden name, or I guess exchanged it for a third name when they remarry. You can make any choice you want - keep it, revert it, change it to something else entirely if you want to. What do you want to do?

Original poster
LookAtMeGo · 05/08/2015 22:25

And marriage has no importance when it comes to most applications, so I wonder why they ask for your title. And men don't declare whether they're married or not by stating their title. V imbalanced.

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JeanSeberg · 05/08/2015 22:26

I'm divorced, changed my title to Miss whilst keeping my married Surname.

MarchLikeAnAnt · 05/08/2015 22:29

Are you allowed to make up your own last name? If you can then I would do that and change by deed poll.

Original poster
LookAtMeGo · 05/08/2015 22:30

What fun title can I put down on official firms from now on? I was going to put 'sister', but don't want to be discriminated against on religious grounds. Can't do Dr as that's probably a legal title and I'd probably be arrested!Grin

Is it true that titles have no legal standing, or did I hear that in the pub?Grin

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Original poster
LookAtMeGo · 05/08/2015 22:31

Why did you keep your married name, Jean?

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Original poster
LookAtMeGo · 05/08/2015 22:31

If it's 'Seberg' I don't blame you!Grin

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NotJustaPotforSoup · 05/08/2015 22:33

The donor opt in didn't give Ms as an option. I did ask why my marital status was relevant when that of men in the same situation wasn't.

I think marriage might do something to lady offal.

NotJustaPotforSoup · 05/08/2015 22:34

I went for "Colonel", I think.