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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

Demanding job

235 replies

FayKorgasm · 30/07/2015 09:22

Not a TAAT but inspired by years of threads. Frequently I read threads on here by women posters who have husbands or partners who do the very bare minimum of child rearing. One of the reasons given is the all inclusive Demanding Job. Extra points for Long Hours in aforementioned Demanding Job.
It really gives me the rage. Lots of women work in Demanding Jobs and yet come home and just bloody get on with it but men are excused the daily drudge because of it.

OP posts:
motherinferior · 30/07/2015 09:35

Couldn't agree more.

AnyFucker · 30/07/2015 09:38

yep

ChunkyPickle · 30/07/2015 09:41

I understand the need to decompress at the end of a day - I work too - BUT - if I've spent all day with the kids, then I also desperately need a break (from them) - and I don't think it's reasonable that one person gets to sit and do nothing while the other runs around making dinner/tidying up/doing bed time - at least not every day - some days will have been particularly hard for one or other partner, and a good partner will recognise that and give them a break.

So much of it I think is that the buck for domestic stuff always seems to stop with the woman.

I just had a chat with DP this morning about how whilst he'd taken the bin to the road, he hadn't brought the nappies down from the bathroom bin, or let the bathwater out, or shut the wipes, or wiped down the side (after he had done the dishwasher), or thrown away any of the post around the desk, or put away his shoes. That as the other responsible adult in the house, he didn't get to just do one big job, or just take his cup to the kitchen, he had to share in doing all the little bits around the house - all the small stuff that otherwise I seem to find myself doing as I pass from room to room.

itsbetterthanabox · 30/07/2015 09:43

Yeah I completely agree. But the only way we can stop it is by not doing it!
If you work a full time job simply do not do more than 50% of the housework and childcare. Be selfish. Go out.
It will take a while but it's the only way to change things. The problem is women feel obliged and guilted into doing these things so never take a real stand.

Original poster
FayKorgasm · 30/07/2015 09:53

Chunky DFather does the big job woohoo look at me craic and never sees the little crappy stuff that keeps the household ticking over.

As long as women and men keep being fed a stream of housework = wifework nothing is ever going to change. I would love some downtime after work,as would dh but unfortunately stuff needs to be done before we can do that.

OP posts:
InnocentWhenYouDream · 30/07/2015 09:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shrimpyturn · 30/07/2015 10:11

My DH has 'his jobs' around the house. He gets so proud for doing them like taking out the bin and mowing the lawn. It's ridiculous that 99% of the work is left to me just because he has a demanding job. We've spoken about it and we're working on it, he's admitted that he can just be lazy once he's home which I guess is the first step to change!

BuffytheReasonableFeminist · 30/07/2015 10:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AskBasil · 30/07/2015 10:38

"But the only way we can stop it is by not doing it! "

No, the only way we can stop it is by refusing to live with men. Let them live with each other or alone in their own festering shit, if they can't learn how to keep their homes in a decent state. Don't expect to live with normal people, if you can't keep a normal level of hygiene and order in your own home.

Women are often advised to "go on strike" and leave the place in a tip the way their husbands do, in order to guilt/ shame/ wear them down into getting their arse in gear. But why on earth should anyone want to do that? Why should you invite mice, rats, cockroaches etc., into your home, by keeping it like a pig-sty? Why should you lose things, spend hours of your life searching for stuff which isn't where it belongs, just in order to try and make a grown-ass adult do their own fair share of ordinary tidying up?

Far easier to just refuse to share your personal space with someone so utterly inadequate in the first place.

ChunkyPickle · 30/07/2015 10:49

Not doing it doesn't work - for a start, they're out all day at their 'demanding job' not seeing it while the kids and partner get to stay home in the filth..

DansonslaCapucine · 30/07/2015 10:49

Wholeheartedly agree. I eye roll every time I read it on here. I believe my job is more demanding than dh's but I still make the dinner. Dh probably does a smidge more than 50% of all that running a house entails but only a smidge.

Duckdeamon · 30/07/2015 10:53

It's depressing how much apologism for these men there is from women posters, lots of moaning about "what're men like eh?" and antagonism towards posters challenging it. In RL too. urgh.

I had a meeting recently with a man had never met before with a baby of a few months. Desk job. He mentioned he was tired but that his wife was now doing all the nights because of his "demanding job". My boss and I couldn't help scoffing! And then Hmm He looked quite hurt, poor flower.

BuffytheReasonableFeminist · 30/07/2015 11:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChunkyPickle · 30/07/2015 11:07

Yes Basil - they are being idle by consent (I'm guilty of this too).

I have a job which earns as much as DPs, yet I do the vast majority of everything else, including all paperwork and DIY. We've had talks and he is fully aware that we are together by consent only, just because I rather like him, and that he has no hold on me to stay with him, and that love can be worn down by disrespect.

I'm in this position both by luck, and by dint of sheer obstinacy and hard work. I kept up my skills by working on free projects and freelancing when home looking after the kids, and as a result am actually in a stronger position job-wise than before them - but so many people aren't in this position - both my sisters for one (two).

Women who give up their job entirely to be SAHMs are very brave - it's a lot to gamble.

ChunkyPickle · 30/07/2015 11:08

Oh God 'just write him a list'

I HATE that one. Who bloody writes my list!

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 30/07/2015 11:18

It's on my MN Bingo card that one. Along with the following:

Demanding job
High Stress
Long hours
Let's me stay at home
He'd only do it wrong any way
Just ask him
Can be lovely
Everybody thinks he's great
He's just not very good at
He doesn't see mess

bakingaddict · 30/07/2015 11:22

My DH works rather long hours but I would never dream of excusing him from contributing to household chores because I find that my well-being is just as important as his

Just because you may be the one with the higher paid demanding job shouldn't mean that this automatically trumps or makes the other person's needs lesser. I think there is still a mind-set and conditioning for woman to expect housework to be mostly their responsibility because of a partner's 'demanding' job.

Amethyst24 · 30/07/2015 11:23

Oh God I hate this. My relationship with DP is great, we have no children and both work from home about 50% of the time. He GENUINELY means and wants to do his share, but he still expects/needs me to manage him. Asking me what he should cook when it's his turn - Feds, I don't just want to not have to cook, I want to not have to think about it. And the other day he did an online shopping order with all sorts of random shit on it that we never buy and didn't need - I was like, "but you live here, how can you not know this?" And then felt guilty for being a shrew. And as I say, this is a man who isn't being passive aggressive about it, who genuinely believes it's not my job etc. So many men don't give a shit if the situation is unfair and their wife is a drudge.

I've gone a bit OT, sorry Blush

Amethyst24 · 30/07/2015 11:25

FFS, not Feds. It's not so bad I'll get the law on him. Yet.

GraysAnalogy · 30/07/2015 11:25

I'm the one with 'Demanding Job' and my DP is excellent and knows that after a 14 hour shift running around the hospital I need more rest and haven't got the energy to cook clean and do bedtime.

Original poster
FayKorgasm · 30/07/2015 11:35

Yes yes yes to being challenged when pointing out that the lazy dh is an independently thinking adult and well capable of figuring out the complexities of a vaccuum cleaner.
Usually the lazy man working Long Hours in his Demanding Job is a great dad though. Despite not actually doing anything to help or any of the practical thankless shitty parts of child rearing.

OP posts:
misscph1973 · 30/07/2015 11:36

I don't think there is a solution to this. My DH is blind, so he does have an excuse, but if he could see, he wouldn't have an excuse. I know it sounds harsh, but I am so overwhelmed and overburdened all the time. Obviously I don't tell him off for being blind ;)

Anyway, I feel your pain, OP and other posters! I look at my DS, and he's so lazy, but he so young that he doesn't really understand that daddy doesn't do much around the house because he can't see. He still copies him! It does make me wonder how anything is going to change unless our sons have role models ie. dads who share the housework.

Men are much better at getting their down-time. I think it's just how they are wired. Women have to work at it. They say that marriage is better for men than for women.

Women, you need take your down-time! No one is going to give it to you. Allocate your time. After 30 min of housework, have 30 min of down-time. You need to be good role models for your daughters. Think of the really big picture!

AyeAmarok · 30/07/2015 11:36

Agree entirely.

As soon as I see it written I disregard "demanding" and just think "job", and carry on.

Original poster
FayKorgasm · 30/07/2015 11:38

So what part do you do Gray? Not snarky but genuine interest?

OP posts:
GraysAnalogy · 30/07/2015 11:41

Baring in mind with my shifts I'll only work 3-4 days a week. So on my off days I'm willing to do everything as he does when I'm at work.

So if I'm working a long day, I'll only be home around 9. Bedtime is done so I can't do that. He'll either have something made for me (in which case I'll wash up) or I'll do something quick., I have a shower and we both relax. There's nothing for me to do.

It's a good job really because sometimes when I come in I can barely walk.