Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

Original poster

sexualisation of children vs slut shaming

582 replies

bikeandrun · 17/07/2015 09:34

My DD is y6, having a great time with a fancy dress parades and final party. Being having lots of discussions with other mums and my mum about what the girls have been wearing. Finding my responses to this difficult
" cant believe mums let their daughters out of the house dressed like that" response to crop tops, mini skirts, lots of slap high heels etc

"girls don't understand the effect they have on men when they dress like that" this was aimed at a girl in dds year who has obviously gone through puberty and has a woman's body
Are just a few quotes I have heard
As a young single woman i used to enjoy dressing in an extreme and sexual way and felt empowered and confident.BUT

These girls are not sexual beings yet but is it slut shaming or just protective parenting to not want 11 year olds to dress like this.

I persuaded dd to wear converse rather than high heels mainly cos I know she wanted to jump around like a manic but I also really didn't like how she looked in those heels.
Help me find a feminist way through these feeling as I support my daughter as she grows into a woman

OP posts:
cailindana · 17/07/2015 22:16

No one dresses like a slut. Because no one is a slut.
Some some wear tight clothing. That doesn't give anyone permission to touch them.

captainproton · 17/07/2015 22:16

He did not drive us home, he was up for sex. He found out how old we were and panicked. He thought because we were dolled up to the nines we were older, and up for sex. Actually I am not sure we weren't up for sex, but the point is he did not think we were children. And perhaps if children dressed like children less confusion would take place in this respect.

RufusTheReindeer · 17/07/2015 22:19

My 13 year old daughter has not encountered porn, does not use sexual language and for the life of her cant figure out why one of her favourite skirts is now "unsuitable" because she is tall

She does not wear clothes because she believes she looks sexy

I understood what you meant by your first few posts, but that last one of yours is dreadful.

captainproton · 17/07/2015 22:19

oh I agree, but they do touch you. And I don't want my daughter being touched either. I am not in control of what others do I can only protect her.

It is not right that drunk women get taken advantage of but it happens. It's not right but I am sure as hell not going to tell my daughter to be careful just because it isn't right.

cailindana · 17/07/2015 22:19

Right, so men can't ask questions? They just look at a woman and assume she's up for sex purely from what she's wearing and just go ahead and do what they want?
In your story a guy thought you were older, he found out you weren't, he did the decent thing and dropped you back where you'd been. That's what normal people do. Rapists just go ahead regardless, it doesn't matter one shit what you're wearing.

RufusTheReindeer · 17/07/2015 22:20

Oops sorry

That was obviously meant for captain

I type so slowly Sad

cailindana · 17/07/2015 22:20

'taken advantage of'? Do you mean raped?

captainproton · 17/07/2015 22:21

Rufus, I know what my DSS and his female friends get up to on social media, and he never uses sexual language in front of his parents. We know because we caught him looking at some pretty degrading stuff and it was the tip of the iceberg. I wouldn't be so sure your daughter has no clue about this stuff. Because unless you are bringing up in isolation form other children her age she is probably doing a very good job of deceiving you.

captainproton · 17/07/2015 22:22

Yes raped, like Ched Evans.

cailindana · 17/07/2015 22:23

So that was partially her fault, because she was drunk?

captainproton · 17/07/2015 22:23

OMG I don't ever remember being asked before being groped, and he never asked how old we were. He twigged we were at school from our conversation in the back seat.

captainproton · 17/07/2015 22:25

NO!!!!
you fail to understand

it happens, it is not right, if you are a child you don't even understand the concepts involved. I am not letting my daughter be sexual at a young age until she is old enough to understand it all. Warts and all.

cailindana · 17/07/2015 22:25

So he listened, found out and took you home. Because he was a decent guy. I don't think the guys who groped you would have cared what age you were.

cailindana · 17/07/2015 22:27

I still don't get it. You think by wearing certain clothes your child is 'being sexual' even if she doesn't want sex?

captainproton · 17/07/2015 22:31

No they didn't care, but as I said above I never have been groped when wearing non-sexual clothing. And I don't wear sexual clothing very often. So it's not just random.

It doesn't fucking matter whether I think she is being sexual, it is what society think. That is the problem!!!! That is why I don't want her to wear it. Understand me yet??

cailindana · 17/07/2015 22:33

Yes I understand you want your daughter to fear men and change her behaviour to ensure they don't sexually assault her.

captainproton · 17/07/2015 22:34

If someone thinks a 10 year old is a slut for wearing a certain top/skirt they think the 10 year old is being sexual, no matter how wrong that is. You can't undo that. What you can do is challenge society and hope for gradual change. But I am not putting my daughter into a position of criticism, in a position where boys her age may comment on how sexy she looks on Whatsapp etc at 10, and possibly having men around looking at her thinking if only she was 16 I'd fuck her.

Sorry not for me.

captainproton · 17/07/2015 22:36

Oh come off it Cailindana, are you not going to tell your daughter when she starts drinking to be aware that some men may take advantage of her state of inebriation?

RufusTheReindeer · 17/07/2015 22:36

captain

Note I didn't say my boys Grin I know they have probably been exposed to it and they swear...don't think they bad mouth sexually but they may do

Dd....nope. And you did say most in your post...not all. She's just not one of the most.

You should have seen the look on her face when she was describing hearing an older girl in her phone "ive already sent you a picture of my tits!" Dd thinks that the C word is crap, she doesn't know that you can put a penis anywhere other than a vagina

And can you see that that is where my difficulty is, she doesn't understand why/how she can be thought of as sexual

Maybe it's the friends your dss had, it can be very difficult if their group of friends is "advanced"

captainproton · 17/07/2015 22:37

What you going to tell her when she gets handed a rape alarm at freshers week and the boys don't?

captainproton · 17/07/2015 22:39

rufus, yes I see your fear, it is my fear too. You can't let them wear these clothes until they fully understand everything, how would your DD cope if she did get groped at a party because she is wearing something sexy and the boys think she is 'up for it'?

cailindana · 17/07/2015 22:39

No, captain. I will tell her some men are rapists, but her behaviour has nothing to do with whether they will rape her or not. I'd rather she didn't get blind drunk but I won't be telling her there's a connection between being drunk and being raped because there isn't. There is however a connection between knowing a man and being raped, so should I tell her to keep away from men?

slippermaiden · 17/07/2015 22:43

I've read about 30 of the posts so far, I disagree. Nexts new autumn clothes came out today so I had a look online, the girls clothes are jeans, leggings, jumpers, hoodies, t shirts, some skirts and dresses. Nothing too tight, skimpy, lots of colours including green, yellow, blue. However walking round tescos earlier I was Shock their clothes for girls are horrid!

captainproton · 17/07/2015 22:45

But even in court cases where women have been found to have worn sexual clothing and been drinking, the men have been let off because the victim was drunk and dressed like she wanted it.

It's not fair or right and I am not going to lie to my daughter that these injustices don't exist in this world because they do. Just like there is terrorism and murders, I don't want to scare her but educate her. I will leave up to her to decide how she behaves when she is old enough to understand and not a moment before.

cailindana · 17/07/2015 22:47

Ok captain, that's your choice.

Swipe left for the next trending thread