Feminist Pub XVIII, in which the Bluestocking greets the first signs of spring with a glass of something soothing

[PuffinsAreFictitious]

Just starting this one as the last is nearly full

Reported some young blokes who leaned out of a car last night making a wank sign at me to the police as i was walking to my mums. The guy on the end of the phone said not to expect a prosecution. I knew that anyway and didnt expect it but just wanted it on file so to speak I managed to memorize the cars number plate as it went past. After all if hes doing this hes not paying attention to his driving is he.
My mother instantly said to me "You will get into trouble if you are not careful.

Hopefully i wont I dont see how when i was walking on the pavement minding my own business. And i used the 101 non emergency no. Cant see that ive done anything wrong.

It's like when someone says "I'm not being racist but ..." And then goes on to say something racist. Dd had a party last year, and I was surprised that she didn't get a lot of pink stuff, it was mostly minecraft or vouchers, the party she had when she first started school was awash with pink, I wondered if its down to her friends being similar to her and they've known each other for a good few years now, so would know the type of stuff she likes?

Some members of family on the other hand, my step mum (who I'm NC with now) used to ask me what she should get dd and then totally ignore me, the last time I'd said, she loves dr who, she loves Star Wars and she loves power rangers, so anything to do with that she would love, she bought her a pink dress and a barbie doll, both of which dd said thank you for but both were never worn or touched by her. My dad and step mum would always comment on dd being more like a boy, and that I should dress her "nicely", and then wondered why dd seemed "uncomfortable" around them. So I'm certain the pink dress and a barbie doll was deliberate dig and not a mistake, knowing full well I wouldn't challenge it as then I'd be called ungrateful.

Tomorrow I'm going to the nearest town and plan to spend the day going into every building and ask about jobs. I'm not qualified, but I'm struggling to find anything in childcare so I'll try anything. I've figured the worst that can happen is people say No. Dh has had a raise and people have just assumed that I'll stop looking now, but I want to work, I want something for me, some independence, to be more than wife and mother, which is all I feel I am at the moment, which isn't bad, I mean I love dh and dd very much and they are both my world, but I've felt, actually I don't know what I've felt, a bit like something is missing for a while now, ahhh I don't know what I'm trying to say without sounding ungrateful for what I do have. Anyways, I'm feeling positive for tomorrow but also shitting myself.

Goodluck INicked

Good luck, IKnocked. If you don't want to do it face to face, look up retailers online, almost all chain stores have their vacancies and applications online now so you might be able to blast through half a dozen or so without leaving the house.

Goodluck INicked!

good luck inicked - hope you have a productive day

Very.best of luck, and well done for being brave.
My GuIdes say they are fed up with relatives (e.g. aunts and uncles) buying them random pink stuff, it's very lazy is the message I get. Not even bothering to find out what they like.
I've got all this to come... We didn't do a first birthday party for DS and won't for DD so hopefully not too many presents. Second and third birthdays we can sneak stuff out of the house without her noticing.
I'm currently deciding whether to paint the very pink dolls house we just got. DS tells all kind of little tales about the dolls/his cars/soft toys in it so it's definitely a hit.
Reasons for painting it: not a fan of pastel pink, it's a large piece of furniture and doesn't go with the room, I'm sure we'll get other pink toys that we can't get rid of. If I do it now DD doesn't care, if I wait I risk her entering a pink phase.

Reasons not to paint it: could be very fiddly, it's MDF so will need primer, am I overreacting to what is just a colour, we are not currently too overrun with pink.

I think it is rather on the lazy side to give stereotyped toys. Even with children I don't know I generally ask their parents if there are particular things they like when I RSVP. Though people generally don't express a preference. So we buy them stationery because we like stationery. And there are plenty of neutral colours and designs for stationery.

I'd probably not paint the doll house, but that's because painting stuff is akin to alchemy to me.

Walked up one side of town, and while I don't have anything in concrete, a couple of places have took my details to pass on to managers, or to contact if anything comes up. The opticians and chemists were surprised as they said they don't really get anyone popping in on spec, so I hope that's worked in my favour as I'm not one if many faces, so hopefully they will remember me. Even if I have no luck, it's doing wonders for my confidence in talking about myself positively, which I really do struggle with and I think that let's me down in interviews so I'm hoping that by the end of the day I'm over all that. I'm in a cafe in my own, which is a first for me, and I love being able to just enjoy my food and people watch,mwithout making smalle talk. I'm going to do this more often.
I travelled by bus, and I picked the wrong time as it was packed, normally I'll move as far into the side as I can to give space, but this time I thought fuck it, so I stayed where I was, two men ended up sitting next to me at various points, one kept to his side and sat properly, but the second sort of tried to shove me over with his body, it wasn't aggressive as such, he just sort of sat in the seat and then moved/spreaded as if the extra space he wanted would become magically available, I didn't budge, Id sort of positioned myself so I wasn't spreading out but took a good 3/4 of my seat with my book overlapping my leg so that if anyone did get to close it would knock my book. Which is what happened, he did say sorry and shifted himself so that he was only on his own side when my opened book was on his leg, but did it in such a huffy way that made me feel like I was taking his seat instead of staying well within my own. I even almost said said sorry! But he still moved so I'm feeling pretty good with myself today.
Dh thinks I'm making problems where there arnt any, and he hasn't seen it happen, but I told him when he's with me then he's sat next to me, and he gives me equal space so that's why he doesn't see it happen.

I hope everyone is having a great Monday, and I just wanted to thank everyone here again. I know I'd never have the bravery to speak up if it wasn't for finding this place.

well done on all counts, INicked! I really hate space stealers on public transport - though I too often end up feeling in the wrong and/or apologising.

Well done, inicked!

There was a thread about 'spready' men not so long ago, someone linked to this (or something very much like it) which I enjoyed.

Good work on all fronts INicked, you're impressive.

Sera, about 8 years ago I had a girlfriend who preferred her hair short. So every 4-6 weeks I'd use the clippers on her to cut it to a uniform 6mm all over and she did the same for me. If she ever got negative comments she never told me. And the other day I was out with DD2 and I pointed out a woman absolutely rocking a pixie cut and said she looked like a ginger Audrey Hepburn. We were drinking pints at the time.

Dd has seen a "sponsor a girl" advert yesterday and wants to cancel her Xbox live subscription and use the money to sponsor a girl and help with their education. I just wanted to ask if anyone has heard of this programme? I didn't see the ad but I've had a quick google and haven't found anything negative so I'm hoping it's not iffy, like some of the Christmas gift programmes.

There are quite a few of these. Is it Plan? They were on the housing list of charities for a recent challenge and seem pretty good. Most of the others are not just girls.
There's one that sponsors a new mum I think.
Personally I would suggest sponsoring a student nurse or midwife. People won't sponsor adults as they might spend their money "badly".

Here's the challenge <a class="break-all" href="https://www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&ei=9Pg1VZDZC9SM7Abe5ICYBg&url=www.girlguiding.org.uk/pdf/Choices%2520for%2520girls%5B1%5D.pdf&ved=0CBwQFjAA&usg=AFQjCNHjKo_576o5jObOEPcCZTP8hdLn2Q&sig2=xSbeUatGCsMORIfkZ7mVEw" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&ei=9Pg1VZDZC9SM7Abe5ICYBg&url=www.girlguiding.org.uk/pdf/Choices%2520for%2520girls%5B1%5D.pdf&ved=0CBwQFjAA&usg=AFQjCNHjKo_576o5jObOEPcCZTP8hdLn2Q&sig2=xSbeUatGCsMORIfkZ7mVEw

I wonder if they just feel too uncomfortable buying her "boys'" toys (aaaaargh but anyway) - I wonder if you suggest more gender neutral stuff, you'd get something more usable, even if it still isn't exactly what she wants. And she can have the star wars and power rangers stuff from you. Or set them a challenge to find a compromise - the pink power ranger (is she still in it?) or Princess Leia or a cuddly Yoda or whatever.

It's still annoying that you would have to do that but it might be worth it to prevent the wasted presents.

I wouldn't paint the doll's house. If DD is going to have a pink phase she will have it regardless of the doll's house. And if DS is going to decide that a doll's house is too girly, it won't matter if you paint it army camoflage, it will still be a doll's house.

@bertie It's a good point about maybe my dad and his wife feeling uncomfortable about buying boys things for a girl. I hadn't thought of it like it that and just assumed they were trying to hurt me, as I'd wonder why they asked what she wanted, and then just ignore me. They probably did feel uncomfortable.

I loved my dad very much, but after reading here, he (and his wife) very sexist and I dare say now mysoginists, and it confused me at the time, I always felt I was doing some thing wrong around him, and I couldn't see what I was doing that was so bad that would get all the negative comments about my life, wheras my brother, who was pretty much the same was idolised. He was fine to live together and have a child out of wedlock and was praised for being a great dad, wheras I was constantly reminded in every conversation about being unmarried, allowing dd to have make friends, being a shit mum, the list goes on and I can see now my anxiety problems all stem from him. It got a lot worse after he died, his wife would say "what would you dad think?" Then I'd feel guilty and do whatever it was she was wanting me to do. And I didn't want dd having her head messed with so I cut contact. I explained to her why in a long letter and wished her well etc, for months his wife told anyone who would listen that I got pissy at not being left money and said some horrible things about dd who was 6, basically me letting her wear track suits was encouraging her to be a lesbian. I did the right thing going NC and know I didn't do anything wrong. It was my Dad. I'm sad it took him dying to make me realise as maybe I coukd have spoke to him, but I also think if he was still around I'd be just as scared of making him disappointed in me. It's mind boggling the hold he had when I look back.

I waffled a lot. Dh suggested starting a journal to say the things to him I can't say now as he's gone, think I might do that actually, I have over 30 years of crap and every time I let a bit out I feel better.

The charity was Plan, I'm going to set a direct debit today for dd, I like the idea of sponsoring a student nurse or midwife too, so I will look into that, are there any charities/companies I should avoid?

I don't think I'd paint the dolls house, I would want to, but the effort would out me off, if it involved sandpaper then no way. The thought if touching that stuff makes me cringe. The sounds of kids using stones to draw on the path has the same cringiness. I can drag my nails down a blackboard though.

I hadn't actually thought that DS might reject a toy on grounds of pinkness! I was mainly choosing another colour to clash a bit less with the decor...

People match toys with decor?

Not usually, no, but it's enormous. I do match the toy boxes - plain wood in the front room, Ikea primary colours in the DCs' room. The other larger toys (red ride on engine, red rocking moose) go much better with the front room.

We don't match anything... Years of living in furnished rented place have blinded our eyes to decoration (which explains the colour of the flipping back bedroom which we actually did paint ourselves, in a colour that wasn't what we imagined. )