Can you talk to me about marriage?

[NotTheFarmersWife]

I hope no-one minds me posting here. I read a lot, but rarely post in FWR cos the high calibre of poster makes me feel a bit fick but I have no remotely feminist-minded friends or family and I'm winding myself up something chronic with no-one to talk to about this. I thought maybe you smart bunch could help me make sense of my own mind.

DP and I are after setting up a smallholding. We can't afford the outrageous cost of housing in SE, but can't move out of SE because of family etc. So we thought it'd be nice to get a little bit of land, and keep chickens and pigs and what have you. Try for a bit of self-sufficiency. But here's the catch - it's DPs money that will be used to buy the land and animals etc to start with. I don't have a penny to my name and I'm not currently working - and nor will I be, if we go ahead with this - well, I'll be working harder than I ever have before I'm sure - but not for a salary... I would be so very fucked if something happened to him, like a stroke, or a younger woman, you know, the usual suspects.

So I thought, well, we should get married. That would protect me, further down the line, if I'm out of the workplace for fifteen years and then suddenly it all goes tits up and he's gone and whatever else. (I think, anyway?)

But I'm really conflicted about getting married. Part of me doesn't want to, because it's an outdated patriarchal institution, ownership of women, all that jazz. Part of me doesn't want to because DP isn't particularly bothered about getting married. He has said he's quite happy to get married if I want to, but to him it doesn't really mean anything. Hilariously, it doesn't mean a great deal to me in terms of commitment, my parents, grandparents, friends parents etc, all divorced - but I can't stop thinking about that old trope that men who aren't interested in marriage actually are not interested in marrying you, you know? And if I'm completely honest (and I try not to be, when it comes to this sort of thing!), part of me is pretty gutted, actually, that I've borne children for two men but neither has wanted to marry me. Which is possibly the most ridiculous bit I know but hey, social conditioning eh? But anyway the upshot of it all is that it makes me feel hurt and defensive and kind of like, well fuck it I didn't want to get married anyway. I don't know what getting married actually entails but I don't think I can do it when I feel like it's just a bit of a farce on our part. But I know I can't give up any and all paid employment outside of the home if I'm not going to have any real claim to this farm we intend to build.

So maybe I'd be better off going back to "proper" work instead? I don't have great earning potential, I buggered up my education in a big way, and have already taken several years out to raise kids, but I'm not yet thirty and after a few years it should be enough to make some sort of useful contribution to the household, and then if the relationship does flounder, I'm in a much better position to build a single life on.

I have tried to talk to DP but he just says we can do whatever I want/whatever will make me happy, and that I can't keep planning a future without him (I'm not trying to do that, but having had one supposedly-forever relationship crumble, I need to know I'm going to be ok if something does go wrong). My mum said that if I get married I should make sure my hair looks nice and not wear jeans to the registry office. (See what I'm up against) I just don't know what to do. TBH, I'm not even sure what posting here is going to achieve. My sincere apologies if you got all the way through just to realise it was a self-indulgent whinge. I just need to go and get a real job don't I? Or is there some other way? Am I just being a massive twat? (You are welcome to tell me I'm being a massive twat but please do it nicely because I am feeling really fragile generally at the moment and this is a particularly sensitive subject for me)

[FuckOffGroundhog]

do you have any idea what you would like to do?

Ooh ooh be a vet! The you can look after all the animals on your farm

[NotTheFarmersWife]

I'll get some really hefty boots then yeah?

Yeah I'm definitely not pootling, I promise. We've been idly discussing this for a couple of years and are now rapidly approaching the point at which it can become a reality. It dawned on me a few weeks ago that I'd be making myself incredibly vulnerable and I needed to rectify that. I don't think I mind too much getting married really, we don't have to tell people if we don't want to and it's a cheap and easy means to an end which I think will be a real bugger to sort out otherwise. I was quite concerned about the actual ceremony bit, but pp have put my mind to rest there.

Animal lessons! Yes we are lucky to be quite close to an agricultural college that runs short courses on this sort of thing so I will investigate those more thoroughly nearer the time. We have got some back garden chickens, starting small and working up

No I have no idea what I'd do if I were to train for a proper grown up career. I never have done really. I vaguely wanted to be a hairdresser when I was eleven or twelve but I was at a grammar school and my mum was having none of it.