Envelopes upon which I become my husband

[plantsitter]

Raaaaaagh! How do I politely tell people not to address me as Mrs Dh's initial Dh's surname on Xmas cards? Elderly relatives I wasn't bothering with but my bloody cousin has just done it. I have kept my own name but even if I hadn't I would want my own bloody initial on there! Would it be wrong to send out special cards announcing my title as Ms Plant Sitter?? Otherwise how does one let it be known it pisses one off?

excuse me buffy I think you are talking to the wrong person. I was just talking, not denying anyone their opinion. Yet immediately I was patronised and more or less told I was stupid in silly baby language.

With respect Sunny - your post at 13:11 does effectively dismiss as trivial something that concerns a lot of feminists, who feel that it is matters such as an incorrectly addressed card that are the thin end of the wedge leading to, using your example, under representation of women in STEM.

My dad has for years addressed me as 'Mrs M Husbandname'. For the first year ever he's sent my Christmas present addressed to 'Sunshine BossaNova'. I'm delighted.

Ha! I've had the opposite this year. Dh and I have been married for 9 years, pil have always disapproved of me keeping my name but have got around it by just not using surnames for either of us ie letters addressed just to our Christian names. This year for the first time they've done Mr and Mrs Dh initial Dh surname. I'm fairly sure it's been done purely to wind me up.

I am newly a Dr. It will be interesting to see what the Mr and Mrs DH Lobeseder crew make of that this year! I have also gone double-barrelled this year, but they don't' know that so have no expectations of a single card arriving correctly addressed! Especially since my own dear mother, who knows I am now legally Annie Hakol-Lobeseder, still emailed to tell everyone about me getting my PhD by announcing me as Dr Annie Lobeseder.

Last year I addressed all the cards to my relatives as Mrs X and Mr Y Bloggs. Cos I is subversive, innit! And I address most families cards to The Bloggs Family.

yeh it is really not that subversive annie, we have been doing that since about 1978

Well done Sunny. I still wasn't able to write in 1978 so if it's okay with you, I'll be happy with having taken up the habit recently. And as this thread attests, most people still aren't doing it. So how about we agree that we're both subversive and move on.

My own family have started using my partners last name when writing to me. We aren't even married and have told them all we don't intend to marry.
I really don't understand it.

lol OK Annie 'well done' - no problem.

Sunny - yes 'the odd Christmas card' does matter - hence the thread here talking about this!!

You say 'Are there not more urgent issues to get upset about?' As others have pointed out this is very very often trotted out about any gender issue/feminist campaign.

finallyfeminism101.wordpress.com/2007/04/12/faq-why-are-you-concentrating-on-x-when-y-is-so-much-more-important

You say -As long as the banks, your workplace etc have it right, what is the problem? Well the problem is that language is part of our culture and this shapes attitudes. IMO we need women to stand and campaign about lots if things seemingly 'little' and big.

Did you hear about my #MothersOnMarriageCerts campaign? David Cameron has agreed that the ommission of mothers from marriage certificates will stop. just don't know when Running the campaign gave me a massive platform to talk about women's rights in general.

(NB one anti comment to my campaign said what's the point - if the father John Smith is recorded then the mother is de facto as she is Mrs John Smith! clearly the fact parents may not be married/may have different names escaped them...)

not when I am being patronised Buffy, no.

'well done' buffy

I blame that bastard Santa for all of this

It happened to me once, which I found most odd as I'm not even married. Although I see now that it's fairly common. It was a Christmas card last year from dp's brother and sil who definitely did not have the excuse of not knowing my marital status.

Even more people assumed our daughter had dp's surname without checking. She doesn't. That has annoyed me more and I'm curious to see what will happen with Christmas cards now that the offenders have been corrected.

My plan for dealing with this annual annoyance is too completely misaddress the guilty parties' cards. Should they point out that they are not called that, I will point out that I am not called by the name they used! I also plan to draw huge arrows pointing to the return address labels featuring my correct name!

You should address the guilty parties as "Mrs and Mr Her Initial Her-maiden-name." where it is possible to do so.

I always think about The Crucible in moments like these. It's not the same, obviously, but the basic premise is that his (good) name is so important to him. My name, how I identify myself, who I am is absolutely key for me. And I strongly resent anyone telling me what my name should be. I also strongly resent anyone telling me it should t bother me when others get it wrong.

And yes, it IS the thin edge of the wedge. Every time a woman is assumed to be Mrs Dh Dhsurname she loses a piece if her identity. I couldn't agree more with a pp who referred to news reports about, "a Wiltshire man and his wife" or "a wealthy banker, his wife and three children..." It sends me into a white hot rage every single time.

I don't want to be told to "calm down dear" because I care how I am addressed. In schools, children are often asked what their name is and what they are routinely addressed by ie do they use their full first name, a shortened version, a nickname, a middle name etc. No one thinks that a child who is used to being called Tim should suddenly be called Timothy because "that's his real name" so why on earth can't women be allowed to call themselves as they like?

Thank you to Workingbling for expressing so well what I feel! I am a teacher and always tell new students to correct me if I mispronounce their name or use the wrong form. I do this because I believe it to be rude to address people by a name which they do not choose. I chose to keep my maiden name. My best friend chose to take her husband's name. I do not insist on referring to her by her maiden name as she has made a clear choice. She addresses me by my maiden name as this is my choice.

Mr and Dr John Smith

But that makes no sense at all if the woman is the Dr! It should be Mr John & Dr Jane Smith! Or even the other way round as Dr is a higher title than Mr. You only use Mrs if the woman has no other title.

I find this should be something I dislike but I find it hard to get worked up about it. Perhaps it's because I am not married & use Ms so am unlikely to be called Mrs DH name. If I ever marry, I will keep my own name so I'm sure it would really annoy me to be addressed as Mrs DH name. However, I think if you've changed your name & use Mrs, you're buying into that tradition.

Everyone should use Ms, then the problem wouldn't arise!