Envelopes upon which I become my husband

[plantsitter]

Raaaaaagh! How do I politely tell people not to address me as Mrs Dh's initial Dh's surname on Xmas cards? Elderly relatives I wasn't bothering with but my bloody cousin has just done it. I have kept my own name but even if I hadn't I would want my own bloody initial on there! Would it be wrong to send out special cards announcing my title as Ms Plant Sitter?? Otherwise how does one let it be known it pisses one off?

Although bizarrely inside the card it goes dear omni, bob, dc1, dc2

so what even the fuck no idea.

I may be in danger of overthinking this and heading over to stately homes on the basis of an envelope

I get it too, started using return address labels with our names on a couple of years ago but it hasn't resulted in any noticeable change.

I sort of put up with it from DH's elderly relatives but I have to open the bloody thing and shred the envelop as soon as possible or else it gives me the rage whenever I see it. Is that normal?

So far all our Christmas cards have been from relatives. All addressed to mr and mrs dh surname or mr and mrs dhinitial dh surname. The elderly relatives I was ok with. But my cousin? We are on Facebook. He can see my correct name. Why the f* do I have to suddenly have a new name?

I am waiting to see if friends also struggle. That really does infuriate me.

I got so hacked off last Christmas that I Facebooked and 'gently' (it wasn't very) reminded everyone that I have not changed my name. Various people then said oh I thought you had double-barrelled to which I replied no, just as every other time you've sent me a Christmas card I've told you I haven't.

Some friends then responded by sending my cards addressed to both me and DH with my surname on (he doesn't care as he never opens the bloody envelopes anyway) and others by using both surnames but underlining mine to make a point. It was well worth it just to vent some of the steam it causes to build up on the inside of my head. All I ask is that people use the name I want them to use. Which is the same one I have had for nearly 43 years, for ease of reference.

~~dances a feminist dance~~

"Raaaaaagh! How do I politely tell people not to address me as Mrs Dh's initial Dh's surname on Xmas cards?"

Answer = join my new campaign! nameequality.wordpress.com/2014/12/09/the-christmas-2014-nameequality-campaign-dont-call-women-mrs-husbandfirstname-surname/

I have had this bubbling away for a while since my #MothersOnMarriageCerts campaign (and see here from 3 weeks ago that I haven't just thought of this!

The idea is that you can be part of a Campaign and be all official like and send out my photocard/flyer to people. I am hoping that it will be a way for people to have conversations about this topic and I will try to get some media coverage. If I am a bit late this year I will do it again next year.

I will also be trying to stop companies/schools/lawyers etc from doing the
Mr & Mrs Gilbert Blythe/Mr & Mrs G Blythe even Mr & Mrs Blythe as default - particularly galling when lots of transactions/letters are initiated by women wifework to then get something addressed to your DH in the first instance.

I rename repeat family offenders on the reply - give them my DH's surname too (as they seem to like it so much). When questioned: 'I thought that was what we were doing now - calling each other "Smith"'

Works best for birthday presents that need to be collected from the post office with a form of ID in that name - then they seem to understand why I mind.

She looks smug and says "well it's traditional, it's the correct manner of address"

It's not actually the correct manner of address. Etiquette demands that you address people as they choose to be addressed. If they have expressed no preference then there are conventions to fall back on but if they have made it clear what you should call them then it's the height of rudeness to ignore that.

Omnipotent my mum does it in a PA way too. Almost like my punishment for getting married (she is divorced). She knows I bloody hate it.

At least pre-kids we got Mr and Dr John Smith. Once I became a mother I also lost my doctor status! I'm plain old Mrs John Smith now. Shakes fist.

We get lots of cards addressed to someone who doesn't live here at this time of year. It's a puzzle. Who is this Mrs J Smith? I try not to let it rile me. Well, sometimes try - and sometimes just get cross.

A new element to the crossness this year. My DH has had a doctorate for years so I get the added indignity of being the 'and Mrs' bit of Dr and Mrs J Smith. Now I finished my doctorate this year (which to be fair, the elderly Christmas card senders mostly don't know). When they do know, I wonder if we're going to start being 'Dr and Dr J Smith' - which would never have been 'correct' even by the outdated, outmoded convention that made 'Dr and Mrs J Smith' correct.

mineymo I have noticed that with friends, where the woman in the marriage is the doctor. Blimey, that would wind me up no end.

to be honest does the odd Christmas card matter?
Are there not more urgent issues to get upset about?
Mostly I am known as Sunny not Ms/Miss/Mrs Baudelaire, are you lot not the same?
It is something that used to bother me but I cannot be arsed anymore.
As long as the banks, your workplace etc have it right, what is the problem?

If I thought it was a practice that was dying out I wouldn't care. But I do mind very much people of my own age and younger addressing me this way because of what it symbolises: my place as my husband's chattel. That is not my place and I will not accept it is.

I do see your point plantsitter but I just think people are being a bit over-dramatic about it. YOu know, when there are STEM classes with just one girl in , in 2014, possibly there are more important things to worry about?
Also, I do not think the sharing of a name indicates that you are 'your husbands chattel' in this day and age, more that sharing a surname is nice?

I'm not referring to the sharing of a surname but addressing a woman with her husbands first AND second name as if she doesn't exist at all.

Of course the 1 girl in a science class thing is important but actually I think things are more interconnected than saying one is more serious- how we are addressed by society surely reflects and in some ways determines what that society thinks of us?

I am entitled to lead a life and career that any other equal person has. Equality in this case illustrated by the fact I am a person with my own name.

oh I do agree with you plantsitter - I did not change my name on marriage and actually had my brother tell me I had 'no right' to continue using my own name!! I was fucking livid!
Perhaps you are right and it is all connected ....

Sunny, I know it can be hard for some people to comprehend, but women, even with their small brains, can manage to care about more than one thing at a time. It's very bad form to tell feminist that their Cause of the Day isn't important enough and they should worry about Something More Important, since it is very likely that they have several Causes of the Day on the go, as well as a whole fistful of Causes of the Week, Causes of the Month and even Major Causes of a Lifetime.

My personal Cause of a Lifetime is gender stereotypes inflicted on children, followed closely by women in STEM (since I am one myself). But the sexist society we live in likes to oppress women in a myriad of "innocuous" ways that result in a death by a thousand cuts. One of the most insidious cuts, IMO, is how women's identities are ever-so-gently erased once they pair themselves to a man. Mr and Mrs Joe Bloggs on cards and correspondence. News reports about how Mr Joe Bloggs and his (un-named) wife were tragically killed in a car crash.... married (or even just partnered) women just become an add-on to the main event (the man).

Women are people, they have an identity which is whole, complete and separate from their husbands. I cannot stand to see women's identities erased, no matter now "innocently". So yes, how my relatives address Christmas cards is a big freaking deal to me.

"Sunny, I know it can be hard for some people to comprehend, but women, even with their small brains, can manage to care about more than one thing at a time"
you see that is the problem - you disagree with people like this, and they start using 'shaming' language and finding 'clever' little ways to suggest you are stupid. so Right on.

But you weren't just disagreeing, you were telling us that something we care about isn't as important as something you care about, suggesting that we're being petty, and in fact the stupid ones to worry needlessly over such a "little" thing. My post was unduly harsh, I apologise. I get very tired of being told, as a feminist, which feminist causes should be important to me and which shouldn't and it makes me snippy as it happens so often. Perhaps everyone could credit me with enough intelligence to work out for myself what I should care about.

it's a forum annie for the exchange of ideas, no?
Read back your post to me, please. Why are you patronising me and trying to tell me I am stupid? If that is your idea of irony, it is kind of poor.

sorry I should have realised there is no room for debate, silly me.

Yes to exchanging ideas. Yes to debate. No to telling people not to care about the things they care about. I have apologised and said I was unduly harsh. I did not call you stupid. You are reading that in there yourself. If anything, I implied that you might think other women are stupid.

This is derailing the thread and so is my last post on the subject of your post.