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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

What surname do your children have?

214 replies

AmberTheCat · 04/07/2014 10:08

Following on from the 'Changing my name' thread, I'm interested in what surnames those of us who have children have chosen to give them, and why?

My children have my dp's surname. We're not married, and I felt that people would be more likely to assume that they were my children, and question whether they were his, if they had my name. Not a particularly feminist argument, but one that felt important to me (dp didn't really mind either way).

OP posts:
NigellasDealer · 05/07/2014 11:49

i can understand that minnie - also it must be nice to all share a name - just bugs me a little that is (usually) has to be the man's.

StepUpOrStepOut · 05/07/2014 11:50

Ds has dads name as do I.

I don't like double barrel names, where does it stop. Say a couple both with double barrel names have a child, does that child then get two double barrel names? But that's just my view Smile

IceRocket · 05/07/2014 11:51

Me to nigellas. Nice thought, maybe we could just make a new on up

LEMmingaround · 05/07/2014 11:53

We aren't married. My dds have my name. Dd1 is from a previous "relationship" and has my name so that is why mostly. It never occurred to me to do otherwise. Ils less than impressed and cards come with dps name but its no biggie

scottishmummy · 05/07/2014 12:09

I dint get the same name need.dp and I have different surnames.and weans have double barrell

TheBeanpole · 05/07/2014 12:21

Ah, just typed message that disappeared.

DD has my name. We're not married, but even if we were, she would still have it- and I mine. We did briefly consider having DP's name as a second middle name, but he thought it sounded clunky. He chose her middle name, which happens to be the same name as my matriarchal Great Grandmother, so we've got the feminist naming down here.

Outself- one of each is a great idea. A close family member has done exactly that, and we might consider it if we have another.

Childminder88- why would DD need DP's name to feel more connected or involved? His ego isn't that fragile Hmm I should have thought all the parenting he does will make him feel connected, eh?

I don't think it has any impact on being seen as a family unit- families are made up of all sorts of permutations these days. I don't really care if her teachers are confused (!) but doubt they would be anyway.

ProfYaffle · 05/07/2014 12:29

We're married, I kept my maiden name and the dc have my surname.

I'd have quite liked to go double barrelled as our surnames together sound quite comedy posh but dh wasn't keen.

NigellasDealer · 05/07/2014 12:30

that is good prof - but it is not your 'maiden name' it is your name fullstop.
maiden = virgin

Downamongtherednecks · 05/07/2014 12:38

It can have some consequences if you don't have the same name in your little family unit. My BIL had a tough time with passport control leaving France last year. He was traveling alone with his dc, who have the mother's name, and the passports therefore did not show a relationship between BIL and the dc. He had to wait for ages while the authorities tried to contact the mother in the UK, and she had to find and email the birth certificates. He was very upset at being suspected of child trafficking his own dc.

5madthings · 05/07/2014 12:44

Yes bit that can be avoided by taking birth certificates or id with you as you are told to!

And it's for security and child protection/abduction reasons perfectly reasonable imo.

PenguinsHatchedAnEgg · 05/07/2014 13:02

Quinto - yes, I understand Spain does not have great feminist credentials generally!

Nigella - my thinking was that, if you can now choose which name goes first, the female nsme could pass on. and let's face it, even one generation is more than is common in the UK.

Itsfab · 05/07/2014 15:13

DH and I are married and I have his surname as do our children.

I had my father's surname even though he isn't on my birth certificate and it meant a lot to me for a long time. I was unaware for years he was a prat. I just wanted to belong somewhere given that I had never lived with my father and not with my mother beyond the age of two. However I didn't like my surname as a name as it was so easy to be used as an insult so was another reason I was happy to get rid of it.

My PIL are very traditional and would not have been happy if I hadn't taken their son's name and/or given it to our children. This had no bearing at all on my decision though.

We are a family and I wanted us all to have the same name and to be a team. My whole life I was the odd one out and no way was I going to be the only one without the family name.

Everyone should do what they want to do. I have no issue with people choosing to keep their birth name, give either or both names to their children, marry or not but what I do have an issue with is the somewhat sneery comments that are sometimes made when a grown woman chooses to take her husband's name or when she doesn't, or isn't married, yet still names the children their father's name.

AChildminder88 · 05/07/2014 17:41

thebeanpole it's not about fragile egos, i just want our children to have same name as their dad. I will never have OH surname, even when we marry, because it rhymes, think along the lines of Isabelle Bell (!) so if children have my name, what about DH?! I carried the children so I feel like I don't need the name x

CaptChaos · 05/07/2014 17:44

I don't like double barrel names, where does it stop. Say a couple both with double barrel names have a child, does that child then get two double barrel names? But that's just my view

My DS who is double barreled and my DiL, also double barreled don't seem to have had this problem for DGD. Like I said upthread... odd that you didn't see it. They took one of his and one of hers and double barreled that. It's not hard, and there's no real need to sneer about it Grin

There was a thing about double barreling and bastard children, but the one in my family is because 2 titles were marrying and it would have been the end of the line for one of them, so it was double barreled.

Poussay · 05/07/2014 19:31

DP and I have just been discussing this and he really wants us all to take his name. I suggested last week to my best friend that I might double barrel our names and she was aghast as the combo is a bit of a mouthful so I'm not sure it would be fair to give such a complicated name!

scottishmummy · 05/07/2014 19:36

So then you'll end up acquiescing to his preference to avoid so called complicated name

ImogenQuy · 05/07/2014 19:47

Poussay, why couldn't he take yours if he wants you all to have the same name? If he's aghast at the mere idea, ask him why he expects you to give up your name, but won't countenance giving up his.

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 05/07/2014 19:52

Didn't we just do this in chat recently ? It didn't go well.

Basically boiled down to

Those that took dh surname at marriage
Those that kept own names
Those that hyphenated
Those that double but no hyphen
And a few more minor variations

And if you chose any of those you either weren't a family, were a stronger family, were a unit/weren't a unit, were a feminist or weren't.

Basically we all thought our own choice / reasons better and more normal. Obviously....

weebairn · 05/07/2014 21:09

The kids have my name, my boyfriend of many many many years was a bit unsure when I first asked him whose surname they should have, but then came round to the idea. Now he is quite proud of it. We considered giving DC1 his surname as a first name (it is a very normal boy's first name as well as a surname) but baby was a girl. And it probably would have been confusing.

I am not married either as the tradition always seemed kinda anti-feminist and materialistic to me. If others want to marry that's fine by me and no judgements,just my personal view on it, not something that really sat with my morals etc.

I think I said on the other thread that was similar to this one you always get women swearing blind that they only changed names/gave kids his names because his name was better. But men never seem to care if their name is shit. So I am a bit dubious that that is really the reason.

TheBeanpole · 05/07/2014 22:01

achildminder he could change to yours! That way you all get the same name and you don't have to rhyme. More than one way to skin a cat and all that.

TheBeanpole · 05/07/2014 22:05

weebairn - we have the same with DP's surname- it is also a boy's name, and I would have been sorely tempted to use it for the first AND last names if we'd had a boy, just for comedy value (rendering all my previous opinions on the matter void). Think (but not) Arthur Arthur.

AChildminder88 · 05/07/2014 22:21

He could if he wanted...but there is no need. I like the traditional aspect of children having fathers surname. Would never cross my mind to ask him to change his name, especially as i have no intention of changing mine!

OublietteBravo · 05/07/2014 22:32

The DC have his surname. I have mine, and always will.

Anone · 05/07/2014 22:35

"The DC have his surname. I have mine, and always will"

Ditto

I share my name with my mum, Dad and sister and that's good enough for me

TheOriginalSteamingNit · 05/07/2014 22:44

scottishmummy I was indeed nodding to prejudice; I was 18 and might very well make a different decision now, but then I felt it was important to make it clear there was a relationship there. And I still had a lot of 'ah, young mum, you on your own then?' Which I shouldn't have minded, but did.

I can see now that it wasn't a very feminist decision to give them his name! and as I say might well do differently if I had my time again (in fact, they wish I had anyway!), but on the whole it rarely bothers me much and I like having my own, different name, which I would never have changed and never will.