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Original poster

What surname do your children have?

214 replies

AmberTheCat · 04/07/2014 10:08

Following on from the 'Changing my name' thread, I'm interested in what surnames those of us who have children have chosen to give them, and why?

My children have my dp's surname. We're not married, and I felt that people would be more likely to assume that they were my children, and question whether they were his, if they had my name. Not a particularly feminist argument, but one that felt important to me (dp didn't really mind either way).

OP posts:
TaurielTest · 04/07/2014 11:17

Both, no hyphen. Like Spanish apellidos, except that mine is first.

When we chose this for birth certificates, we did so thinking that it might get tricky and they'd have the option to hyphenate or drop one name in future. Actually, it's been fine.

GoogleyEyes · 04/07/2014 11:20

I thought hyphenating would make their name too long, so I kept my name but the kids have dh's. I get occasionally get called Mrs DH's name by school etc, despite telling them my name, but apart from that it works ok. Only issue would be if I wanted to take the kids abroad on my own, I think.

I have to say, it wasn't a biggie for me. I'm just not that attached to my surname.

scandichick · 04/07/2014 11:24

My parents are married, but my mum kept her surname which us children have as well.
I kept my name when we got married, but our DS has my husband's surname. It's much nicer than mine, that's why Grin

NutellaLawson · 04/07/2014 11:25

I gave my dc the surname of dp. We are not married (will be early next year).

My reason is I feel they are quite obviously mine, what with the whole pregnancy and their being given my surname on post natal records but I wanted them to have a connection to their father, too. Spelled out in their name. Paternity is more tenuous, so the name cemented that.

Or maybe it's because I love dp but not my father . I am nc with the man whose surname I carry and I wanted to break that connection with that man and continue with my dp who is a million times the man and father that my father ever was . When dp and I marry, I may change my surname. I'm genuinely torn. I did not change my name with my first marriage, as it's not the culture to do that, but I hate my birth name and want to cut further from it.

StormyBrid · 04/07/2014 11:29

We're not married, don't plan to be, and would keep our own names if we were, so there was never the option of us all having the same name. DD is FirstName HisSurname MySurname. I had all sorts of reasons for giving her my name, like not wanting to have a different name to DD if DP doesn't stick around, not wanting my surname to vanish (which turned out not to be an issue as my brother has since bred), feminist principles, and a hefty dollop of sheer obstinacy. And if she had to have the surname of one of her grandfathers, it was no contest - my dad's a decent bloke, DP's dad ran off with his secretary when DP was seven.

Thurlow · 04/07/2014 11:29

Not married, DC has DP's surname.

Hyphenating or double-barrelling wouldn't work, the names sound very silly together.

But at the end of the day he had a stronger opinion than me. He would prefer to share a name with DC, I'm not remotely bothered by it at all. I don't find it an issue and it doesn't bother me. To me it's just a name, it makes little difference whether I share any part of my name with DC. Doesn't make me any less their mother or us any less of a family.

Notso · 04/07/2014 11:31

We weren't married when I had DD and DS1 and I gave them DH's surname.
My surname was an unusual one it caused me a bit of grief at school and no one could ever spell it despite the fact it was two common English words together Confused
I also had much persuasion, head shaking and tutting about teenage mothers when I registered them with DH's name.
I like us all being the Notso's and I like being Mrs Notso.

TheHoundsBitch · 04/07/2014 11:35

We gave DS DH's name as mine was awful (we weren't married when DS was born) and I didn't want to inflict it on him. I changed my name to DH's when we married. It was a convenient way to get rid of my name without upsetting my dad.
If I had a normal name, that hadn't got me bullied mercilessly at school, I would have given it to DS and kept it myself when I married.

NigellasDealer · 04/07/2014 11:38

ooh houndsbitch what on earth was your name?
Pigg?
Bastard?
Death?
do tell!!

tabulahrasa · 04/07/2014 11:50

Mine have DP's surname...hyphens just weren't an option - the names wouldn't work at all, his surname went slightly better with more first names than mine (not that mine is awful) and it gave me more leverage vetoing first names, lol.

I suppose there might have been a bit of it gave DP a connection with them that I just didn't think I needed behind my thinking as well, as in I carried them I gave birth to them, I stayed at home with them...I think I thought it might be nice if he had the same surname as them.

To be honest though, I didn't put that much thought into it really, the conversation wasn't very long and neither of us felt particularly strongly about it, mostly it consisted of us repeating various hyphenated versions and laughing Blush clearly we were dead responsible parents.

They're 14 and 18, I don't regret it and it's never caused any problems.

BarbarianMum · 04/07/2014 11:54

When I married I took dh's name for everyday and kept my maiden name for work (I wanted us to have the same name and his is English and easier to spell. He did say he'd take mine if I wanted. Maybe he would've done, but I think he'd got a bit tired of explaining his lack of Italian blood).

So when dc came along they took dh's (now my) name too. I think even if I'd kept my name I'd have given them his - they seemed so much mine as babies - I carried them, gave birth to them, fed them, they even looked like me. I felt quite sorry for him and wanted to share (mad hormonal brain).

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 04/07/2014 12:03

Yes, that restoring the balance a bit (me having carried them, taking maternity leave to care for them and planning to be the main carer longer term) meant that it seemed a good way of including DH a bit more. Also of linking them more closely with his family, mine are local and a lot more involved than DH's, who live far away.

weatherall · 04/07/2014 12:05

Mine.

The mans name being the default is misogynistic.

Given the that half of kids don't live with bio dad at 16 it is ridiculous that most of them have the dad's name.

IfNotNowThenWhen · 04/07/2014 12:25

Mine. I had a different name to my mum and I hated it. I was never married to ds's dad, but even if I had been, would have been my name, because divorce happens, but my child will always be with me.
Every unmarried couple I know with dc has given them the man's name, even if it's not as nice as the woman's, which I find weird.

usualnamechanger · 04/07/2014 12:27

My husband's. It's tradition but I've also got another reason for it.

BitOutOfPractice · 04/07/2014 12:28

They have my exH's name. I have also kept it.

cheminotte · 04/07/2014 12:44

His. Not married.
The logic was he has sisters, I have a brother so mine would carry on anyway, his wouldn't.

Travelling without him was tricky early on, fine now dc old enough to know their own names.
I still dislike when I'm called Mrs Hisname by orgs that should know better (schools etc) but is a quick way to get rid of telesales people - 'Mrs Hisname? No-one of that name here. Goodbye.'

Original poster
AmberTheCat · 04/07/2014 13:29

Interesting responses - thanks.

Hakluyt, you asked why I felt it mattered whether people might be more likely to question whether the kids were my dp's if they didn't have his name. I don't know, really! I don't usually care what people think, but in this context it somehow seemed unfair to dp to potentially cause people to think that. Maybe it's because we planned (and have largely succeeded) to share parenting, childcare, etc. equally, and I felt we should both be equally recognised as their parents.

I don't really care about whether names get passed down or not, or whether I have the same name as my kids. I feel very strongly that I will never change my own name, but I don't feel any particular need to pass it on or share it with others.

OP posts:
Lovecat · 04/07/2014 15:08

I actively hate my pre-marriage surname, as it is my father's name and he was an abusive git. Also it is a proper word, iyswim, and I got the piss ripped out of me through school because of it.

Prior to meeting DH I seriously thought about changing my surname to my mother's name or that of my grandmother, but neither of them were particularly wonderful names that I felt any connection to. As it happens, I really like DH's surname, and am happy to be called by it, so I did take it on marriage and from that DD took it too. DH admitted to me years later that he was really pleased I'd taken his name but also felt confused and slightly guilty that it had made him feel so pleased...

I think if I'd liked my surname/had a better relationship with my father, I would have kept it and double-barreled it/given it to DD.

TheHoundsBitch · 04/07/2014 16:53

None of those Nigella, I'm not going to put my maiden name on here because it's quite rare in england and most of the who are in england are my relatives.
If my surname was De'ath I would have been soooo happy as a teenager

OutsSelf · 04/07/2014 17:00

Our son has DP's name and our daughter has my name.

We've never met anyone who thought this was a good idea. My HV in particular warned me that 'people would think they had different fathers'. Also, 'they won't feel like a proper family' because apparently living day to day as a family is totally obscured by the fact they have different surnames.

I don't think it's a perfect solution, I live in patriarchy and if I had a perfect solution I'd have you know, done the revolution by now.

Takver · 04/07/2014 17:09

We're married but both kept our own surnames. DD is Firstname HisSurname Mysurname with no hyphen. We lived in Spain at the time, and it is the conventional answer there & having only one surname causes all sorts of computer problems. Effectively when we were in Spain she tended to get called by DH's surname (as they use the first surname habitually), now people tend to use my surname or both. Neither is easy to spell otherwise there would have been an easy answer.

I do know quite a few couples who both changed their surname on marriage and chose something for them all to use, which does seem quite a good answer if you can come up with an obvious name. I'm not enough of a hippy to go down the 'Takver Treehugger' type route, though, and choosing something normal randomly seems a bit odd, IYKWIM.

Takver · 04/07/2014 17:09

Actually, the only really good solution I have seen to this problem is to marry someone who already has the same surname to you - I know at least 3 couples where this was the case. A little limiting on potential partners, though Grin

Fideliney · 04/07/2014 17:15

A little limiting on potential partners, though

More so for some than others. Worked for Eleanor Roosevelt though...

CaptChaos · 04/07/2014 17:34

DS1 has mine and his father's double barrelled, his ExP also had a double barrelled name, and my DGD therefore has a double barrelled name, they took one name from each surname and made a new one. It wasn't political, and it wasn't difficult. Was very neat and easy. But then, they didn't want to make a drama out of it so...

DS2 has his father's name only, by the time he was born, I was just glad to get through a day without being abused, so went along with almost anything for an easier life.