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Original poster

Stranger "hits" DD - am I over-reacting?

279 replies

rosabud · 14/05/2014 23:17

My DD is 17. Today she was on the bus on the way home from school (6th form so not in uniform). It was crowded and old people were tutting at her and making it obvious she should give up her seat for them (there were free seats towards the back of the bus - not sure that is relevant). Nomally she would have given up her seat but she was tired, had been in an AS exam which had gone horribly wrong and her back was hurting. Personally, I think she should still have given up her seat.......but don't think that's an excuse for what happened next.

A seat behind her became vacant and, as an old man (in his 70s, she thinks) sat down in it, he hit/slapped her across the shoulder ('quite' hard - but not hard enough to cause injury) and told her that she should give up her seat for an old man next time. DD apologised and tried to explain about the exam and her back - but he did not answer her. Old people continued to tut at her and she sat there and cried!

She should have given up her seat, I think. But I am really angry that a man thinks he had the right to hit/slap her! Would he have done that to an older person like myself? Would he have done that to a teenage boy - I don't think so, surely he would have been too wary of being punched back?!

I am so cross! How dare he?! Am I over-reacting?

OP posts:
turgiday · 15/05/2014 07:34

"get up, stupid female, and let your betters sit'

No it is not about letting your betters sit. Yes there are out of order older people. But if all the older people on the bus were tutting, then there must have been a pretty obvious reason she should have moved.

And yes misogyny is everywhere, so is ageism.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 15/05/2014 07:42

The priority seats specify that they are for those "less able to stand" - which includes someone with a bad back.

In any event, there is no indication that DD was in the priority seats and no justification for an adult man to hit a teenage girl who posed him no threat but who simply wasn't behaving how he wanted her to.

turgiday · 15/05/2014 07:47

There were seats at the back of the back of the bus where she could have sat. This must have been about someone who would struggle to walk to the seats at the back of the bus.

And where I live, I have seen lots of time others stand and move to the back when someone who is having obvious difficulties just walking, gets on the bus. These are people who also need a seat e.g. women with young children, but they dont need a seat right at the front of the bus.

BriarRainbowshimmer · 15/05/2014 07:55

Given the reaction of all the other passengers, none of whom offered even a word of comfort to this girl, it does suggest there is more going on here.

It's sadly a common reaction among people to not react when something like this happens.

turgiday · 15/05/2014 07:56

Except the other passengers did react. They were tutting and making it clear that they thought the girl should move seats. To have lots of passengers doing that, is very unusual and suggests an extreme situation.

turgiday · 15/05/2014 07:59

Contact the bus company and ask to see the CCTV OP. And then you can see for yourself what exactly happened.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 15/05/2014 08:08

Turgid, if I decide to get pregnant again, can I hit commuters who don't move for me even if there are other seats available?

That's excellent, I shall look forward to that.

Roshbegosh · 15/05/2014 08:22

No, if you get pregnant again you can stand because a teenager feels tired and entitled. Of course you can't hit her but you can stand and smile understandingly at the poor girl who needs the seat more than you.

Hullygully · 15/05/2014 08:24

Two separate issues

Anyone hitting anyone ever is wrong

Being 17 and not moving your sorry ass for old people is wrong

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 15/05/2014 08:25

I'm not talking about a teenager. I'm talking about adult commuters. Can I hit them if they don't move?

turgiday · 15/05/2014 08:31

Snatch - Nobody has said it is fine to hit people.

But I get fed up of all the excuses as to why it was fine for a healthy 17 year old not to just move to a different seat.

I really have only ever seen lots of people tutting when it is a blatantly obvious and shocking situation when someone has not moved.

turgiday · 15/05/2014 08:32

But I know sadly that many people really don't think old people matter.

StealthPolarBear · 15/05/2014 08:38

Turgid the op stated in her very first post that she thhought her dd should have moved.
this thread is about the hitting by a man of a young woman who wasnt doing as he wanted.
where do you stand on that?

turgiday · 15/05/2014 08:40

Stealth, I have said many times that the man should not have hit her. Nobody here has defended that.

turgiday · 15/05/2014 08:41

And the excuses are from others on the thread.

Martorana · 15/05/2014 08:43

Of course he shouldn't have hit her. If I was the OP I would be asking the bus company to review the CCTV footage - it does seem a very extreme reaction for a whole busful of people to react like this- were there other teenagers on the bus too making for a charged atmosphere?

But I do have to say that the ageism on this thread is disgusting. Mumsnet at its worse when any topic involves anyone over the age of 65.

StealthPolarBear · 15/05/2014 08:44

So he shouldnt have been violent. Thank you. All else is completely by the by.

Martorana · 15/05/2014 08:48

Of course he shouldn't have hit her.

The OP should take it further.

It is entirely legitimate to also comment on other elements of the thread.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 15/05/2014 08:53

"If you behave badly in public, you risk someone reacting to your bad behaviour in a less than perfect way."

This reads as you equating the behaviour of DD in not moving with the behaviour of the man in hurting her. Is that not how you meant it?

So if I tut at commuters on the train when pregnant and they don't move, what am I allowed to do? Should I perhaps ask someone politely if I can have their seat? That would seem to be conventional.

NickiFury · 15/05/2014 08:53

I think age should be discussed here. It was central to the entire issue, if he was young he wouldn't have needed the seat and the whole issue should never have arisen. And some elderly people are very entitled and unpleasant, demanding allowances be made and becoming aggressive and unpleasant if they are not. My dd was sitting beautifully in her pram in the post office one day, just occasionally making noises at the toy she was playing with. An elderly woman bent dine and told her very aggressively to "shut up!" Then looked around like she should he congratulated. She received a similar response herself from me. Another time on the bus when I was struggling with both my dc (both with ASD) another elderly woman become very verbally aggressive towards us. I've never had that from people who weren't older.

It's the elephant in the room and we are not supposed to say it but sometimes elderly people can be arrogant arses who expect to be kow towed to just because they're old.

beginnings · 15/05/2014 08:54

My mother had horrific pregnancies. She was in a supermarket, heavily pregnant, in the queue, just trying to stay upright when a rather spritely old woman pushed her out of the way and said "You have to let me go first, I'm old". My mother who is nails by the way was so tired, and so sore, and so shocked, she says she just stood there.

My point? Some people are just rude. If she wasn't sitting in a priority seat, and no-one appeared to be physically disabled then frankly, I don't think she should have had to give it up. I'm not sure this issue is gendered. I think it as likely that an elderly woman would have done that to her. If anyone needed a seat, and is not obviously in need of it, they should ask. When heavily pregnant, I made no bones about asking for seats if I felt the alternative was to end up in a faint on the floor or throwing up over someone. Although I did tend to target able bodied men! Not elderly people.

I hope the rest of her exams go well. There's always one horrid paper - tell her that I came out of one of my uni finals in tears, and got a first in it!

BerylStreep · 15/05/2014 08:55

What about all the other passengers? Why were they not assaulted and expected to move? I think it is unfair that all the focus is placed on the DD, and I suspect it was because she was an easy target.

Martorana · 15/05/2014 08:59

"It's the elephant in the room and we are not supposed to say it but sometimes elderly people can be arrogant arses who expect to be kow towed to just because they're old."

Not the elephant in the Mumsnet room- it's a recurring theme.

If you had met a couple red heads, 18 year olds or black people who were arrogant arses, would you be happy to characterise all red heads, 18 year olds or black people? No, thought not. But old people are fair game.

TitusFlavius · 15/05/2014 09:00

Not over-reacting.

I have a teen, and have taught him that in most circumstances he should give up his seat (wherever it is on the bus or tube, not just the priority seats) to older/elderly people, or anyone that looks like they could do with it. He's fit and strong. But the old man knew nothing about your daughter, and had no idea if she had hidden disabilities that meant she really needed to sit.

And, of course, even if he had perfect knowledge and knew that she was being a bit discourteous, he still had ABSOLUTELY NO RIGHT to touch her at all, in any way.

It might be a good idea to tell her that, if she ever gets manhandled on a bus again, she should go straight to the driver. Just because a passenger is elderly doesn't give them permission to hit strangers in any way, and particularly not teenage girls.

Greenandcabbagelooking · 15/05/2014 09:02

Ok, maybe OP's DD was a bit selfish, but that's no excuse for hitting her. Hitting is illegal, not giving up a bus seat is not.

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