Stranger "hits" DD - am I over-reacting?

[rosabud]

My DD is 17. Today she was on the bus on the way home from school (6th form so not in uniform). It was crowded and old people were tutting at her and making it obvious she should give up her seat for them (there were free seats towards the back of the bus - not sure that is relevant). Nomally she would have given up her seat but she was tired, had been in an AS exam which had gone horribly wrong and her back was hurting. Personally, I think she should still have given up her seat.......but don't think that's an excuse for what happened next.

A seat behind her became vacant and, as an old man (in his 70s, she thinks) sat down in it, he hit/slapped her across the shoulder ('quite' hard - but not hard enough to cause injury) and told her that she should give up her seat for an old man next time. DD apologised and tried to explain about the exam and her back - but he did not answer her. Old people continued to tut at her and she sat there and cried!

She should have given up her seat, I think. But I am really angry that a man thinks he had the right to hit/slap her! Would he have done that to an older person like myself? Would he have done that to a teenage boy - I don't think so, surely he would have been too wary of being punched back?!

I am so cross! How dare he?! Am I over-reacting?

If there were free seats then I don't think she needed to give up her seat at all. (Unless it was one of those seats that you are meant to give up IYSWIM) However, if she was asked to move to the back politely it would have been nice if she had. The old man was totally out of order and you and your DD were justifiable upset and angry. He sounds horrible.

The tutting passengers were ALL totally out of order , they would have no idea if your DD needed the seat herself.

I'm sorry her AS exam went badly, was it history?. My DD is sitting her exams so I can understand the stress levels might be a lot higher than usual.

Fucking appalling, YANBU at all

Can we steer clear of ageism please? The man in question was not a nice person, regardless of his age not because of it.

Definitely a feminist issue. It was a man who slapped her, not an old woman. He had no right to touch her. He was asserting his authority over her gender

I doubt he would have slapped a 17-year-old boy, either.

He was a nasty bully - how dare he hit a girl like that?! His age is no excuse at all; my dad is 70 and wouldn't dream of such a thing.

Thankyou for all your replies. I was not really looking for advice on whether or not my daughter should have given up her seat, I am able to make my own mind up about that and speak to my daughter accordingly. I tried to be quite clear about that in my post in order to avoid the "your daughter is a snivelling brat" type post. However, thanks to all those who felt entitled to point that out, nevertheless.

I am more interested in those of you who have commented on the fact that the old person was male and the young person female (which is, of course, why I posted it in the feminism section rather than AIBU). My original "am I over-reacting?" was meant as a "am I seeing this as a gendered issue, when it isn't?" After reading the posts of those of you who considered it in that light, the majority of you seem to be saying what I felt, that this is a gendered issue.

Ironically, what has most convinced me that this is a gendered issue is the many posters who have tried to debate whether the woman in this scenario was either in the wrong or lying (politely worded as "exaggeration"). It is revealing how quickly many focused on the woman's behviour rather than the man's.

I won't be reporting it to the police, I don't think they would take it seriously, and I think my daughter would be made even more unhappy by the fuss - I think she just wants to forget about it now. Thanks to those of you who were sympathetic about the exam - yes it was History!

Nickifury, because if she felt she was rightly sitting in those seats because her back hurt and her exams were hard why didn't she speak out against being hit? Why just continue sitting there snivelling crying?

rosabud - I said it was either obvious that she should have given up her seat in that situation, or she was exagerating, because of the many posters suggesting that it might not have been obvious that anybody needed her seat.

As I said, it is extremely unusual to have lots of people tutting and making it obvious that someone should give up their seat. I have only seen it happen in situations where I am sat at the back of the bus, and someone who has very very obvious trouble walking any distance at all is having to walk past young people sat at the front of the bus, to get to a seat at the back.

I see old people all the time walking to sit at a seat at the back of the bus and nobody says anything in any way. So I think there must have been a pretty obvious shocking incident to have all the old people on the bus tutting at her.

Yes the man would have been unlikely to hit a young man. Because he would have been afraid of being hit back. Young men are much more violent than young women. And no, he shouldnt have hit her.

Old people are sometimes very entitled. On one memorable occasion I was sitting in a priority seat with DD on my knee - she was a baby and the bus was too full for her McClaren buggy to remain open so I had folded it and sat down. Where I live mothers with small DC were just as much priority as older people. A woman came along and asked me for my seat and when I said no she hit my DD!

I'm certain the police would take it seriously. I guarantee 100% that the police will take it seriously. No, there won't be a tonne they can do and there's not going to go on a man-hunt but they'll log it and record it and include it in their statistics of transport crimes.

Why are you talking yourself out of reporting a crime? And reporting it would be a good life lesson for your daughter: random old dudes do not get to touch her ever.

He felt free to target her because she's a young woman. Misogyny never sleeps.

they're not going to go on a man-hunt sorry...

Nickifury, because if she felt she was rightly sitting in those seats because her back hurt and her exams were hard why didn't she speak out against being hit? Why just continue sitting there snivelling crying?

Because she was a young woman on her own, and we know that when women get assaulted on transport typically everyone stands around enjoying the show instead of helping? Because she was just trying to keep her head down and get out of a bad situation before it got worse? Because [insert everything about victim-blaming you should already know about]?

Old man should not have hit your daughter for any reason at all.
IMO age and gender are irrelevant because you don't just go around hitting people because you cannot get what you want.
However, I am intrigued about the sustained crying.
the slap was not hard enough to hurt her, yet she cried for a long time while not one single person on the bus said anything comforting to her, instead they made disapproving noises. When you get unanimous opinion against you, it is usually because your behaviour is unreasonable.
It sounds as if there is more to this situation than your daughter has told you, both in terms of her reaction and those of all the other passengers. Did he perhaps put his hand on her shoulder because he was thrown off balance by the bus and her real reaction was to the fact all the other passengers showed by their reactions that they felt she was in the wrong? Is realising she was wrong and humiliated the reason for her crying so much?
All buses in my area have CCTV - is this the case in your area? If so there will be evidence. Why didn't she go to the bus driver and report the incident if she was so upset?
It doesn't sound from your post as if she has any health issues and that the sore back is just a bit of stiffness after her exam, which is not a reason to sit in a priority seat. Maybe that is why the other passengers thought she was in the wrong?

Bonsoir - that is horrendous! I think I'd have pressed charges.

Anyway, agree with many PPs; why are so many people tying themselves in knots to find tenuous ways to excuse this man's behaviour? I wouldn't expect this level of victim-blaming in a Daily Fail article, but here it is on a F&WR board.

High five for more victim-blaming KatieKaye! You actually ticked all the victim-blaming boxes, I think. Well done.

A young man went as if to push me out of the way as he was getting off the train just yesterday. He was on the phone as he walked and I couldn't tell which way he was going. Instead of saying "Excuse me," he kind of put his hands out towards my shoulders as if he were going to guide me to one side.

I stepped back and said, "Are you kidding?!" and he looked startled.

There are a lot of men out there, young or old, who have phenomenal entitlement to just violate the space of the women around them.

Horrible old bastard he was

Yes he assaulted her because she was young and female. I doubt very much he'd have hit a boy, or a middle aged woman.
I hope uour dd is ok. Sickened by the victim blaming and justification of violence on here

Oh, I forgot about the CCTV on transport.

Then this assault will most likely be on camera! All the more reason to report it. For all we know it's not the first time this guy's hit a schoolgirl on the bus.

Yeh waht stealth said, he would never have hit a 17 year old lad. Disgusting actually. Where your girl was sitting or whether she should have got up is immaterial.

The only reason anyone would have for hitting a stranger on a bus is if they were trying to perform a very old fashioned type of CPR.

A child has been assaulted and far too many people are trying to tell her it was her fault.

She was hit because she should have got up.
She is lying.
She was sniveling.
Exaggerating.
A bit dim for not realising that people tutting actually means 'get up, stupid female, and let your betters sit'.

The people who should be ashamed of themselves on this thread are the ones who are making out that victims of assault are to blame for what has happened.

and a high-five for refusing to accept there might be more to the situation, matilda.
I suggest you go back and read my post, which states there is never any reason to hit anyone. Given the reaction of all the other passengers, none of whom offered even a word of comfort to this girl, it does suggest there is more going on here. there might not be, of course.
Well done for leaping on the "she is female therefore any reaction from a man is automatically sexist" bandwagon.

So many people trying desperately to excuse this man's violence towards a young woman. It makes me wonder what they get up to in their own lives that they so desperately want to victim blame.