Understanding how 'positive' attention is still unwelcomed.

[msrisotto]

This has been on my mind recently because I have realised that I don't trust men I don't know. I've been brought up not to (Stranger Danger! Mum always said if you get lost, approach a woman not a man etc) and my experiences with strange (as in strangers) men have been unpredictable....it was hard to explain which is why I didn't post until now, when I saw this post on Jezebel which actually explains it well.
jezebel.com/5953909/look-guys-even-nice-can-be-annoying

Now, as usual for these kind of posts, I have to qualify what i'm about to say with - i'm not boasting or saying i'm ever so attractive [Samantha Brick].
So recently I gave some directions to a bloke in a car, when I was finished, he said "You look fantastic by the way", I put my head down and walked off. The other day in Wenzels, 2 builder blokes stared at me and one said Hi, I ignored it, looked the other way and left with my purchase. I was wondering about why and came to the conclusion that I must just be shy or weird but I think the article explains it much better than I can. I'm not shy. When I was single, I welcomed attention in bars and nightclubs as they were appropriate situations to be meeting new people in a meat market kind of a way! Plus I was with my friends. But when i'm just trying to get on with my life, it's not worth engaging.

I dunno, this is a kind of outpouring of poorly formed thoughts that have been swirling round in my head over the last few weeks. If anyone has any thoughts, please come and talk to me about it!

I think for me it is an underlying fear. When I am with the girls and get a compliment I can take it as one BUT when I am on my own and vunerable and a complete stranger comments on how I look then I do feel unnerved. It just isn't something a woman would do but some men, not all, have no problem letting you know what they think!
I lived in the states for a while and it just doesn't happen so much there - no wolf whistling, learing out of cars.

There is a particular guy in the Waitrose near me who always goes on about how 'elegant' I look for the whole time I am at the till. I am sure he does it to everyone, in fact I have overheard him speaking to other women but again, the more he does it the more it makes me nervous. I want to buy shopping, I would never dream of commenting on his looks so why does he get to comment on mine?

Not saying exactly where, but backwater,rural/marginally touristy

Amillion thanks for empathising though it is different to your experience.

This sort if thing happens everywhere.

I actually find it rather rude, amillionyears, that you are implying women who take exception to this behaviour are defensive because they must have been "abused", or just live in a less salubrious area than you.

I don't imagine you intended it to sound like that, but it comes across as pretty offensive, I'm afraid.

It's like, you may think you are just a normal person with 100 facets to your personality., going about your business. But actually to a good number of us you're not. You're female, with only ne facet worth bothering about. Don't forget it and play the dam game

Yes, it happens less now in a more rural area I have to say. More pensioners perhaps. Though a retired man flirted with me in the gym while holding the door open yesterday, come to think of it.

As I am now older and hopefuly wiser I honestly do have to stop myself from stopping tweenage girls in the street and telling them what mean are really thinking when they look at them walking down the road wearing next to nothing, they would be horrified if they knew......

I was in New York on September 2011.

I was staying just north of Manhattan (south Bronx) and my female friend and I walked the length of Manhattan towards the twin towers to see what had happened with our own eyes.

It was a very strange place, New York was unusually quiet as there was no traffic on the roads (the police had closed the bridges and tunnels to vehicles). People were just stunned, and mostly also walking downtown towards the smoking wreck on the horizon.

Except for a few men. Who were hanging about on street corners and still going "hello pretty lady" at us!!

I mean, seriously, wtf?!! We were worried about it being the start of WW3, and they were still only concerned with trying to getting some action?!!

I was speechless!

Yes, because it's absolutely the teenage girls who should be the focus of your concern, and it does make you much wiser than these poor silly girls to know that.

Did you mean it to come across like that?

Sorry I muddled the date totally there!

I meant September 11th, 2001, of course!

I honestly do have to stop myself from stopping tweenage girls in the street and telling them what mean are really thinking when they look at them walking down the road wearing next to nothing, they would be horrified if they knew......

Is it worth dwelling on that at all? I hate to think what the random bloke was thinking who catcalled me walking home from school in a calf length rain mac, aged 13. It doesn't matter what they are wearing. You can't prevent lewd thoughts, but lewd thoughts don't make others feel uncomfortable unless they are expressed.

But the OPs examples are not wolf whistles or lewd shouts, and one is just a man saying Hi. Should there be special signals then to let people know your available to be chatted with or is any attempt off a dating website now unacceptable?

I think it's got a lot to do with how old, and slim you are.

I got lots of unwanted attention when I was young and slim.

One of the few advantages of being old and fat is I don't have to deal with daily harassment anymore.

rumble - erm, there are 'special signals'. I manage just fine to work out whether or not the person I'm talking to enjoys how I'm interacting with them.

It's not rocket science to realize from someone's body language whether they want you to start chatting them up or not. Of course people will always make mistakes, but if this were only about the odd few mistakes, why would so many of us find the OP's account so familiar?

Rumblegreen- perhaps read ShirleyRots' post again about how a conversation might develop, or DoctrineOfSnatch's about a polite non-arrogant/threatening approach. See if it starts to make sense to you then. I really can't see how anybody can word it more simply for you, sorry.

"When I was single, I welcomed attention in bars and nightclubs as they were appropriate situations to be meeting new people in a meat market kind of a way! Plus I was with my friends. But when i'm just trying to get on with my life, it's not worth engaging."

^THIS

although b/c of all the unwanted attention in day to day life I end up very defensive in bars too these days bcos (a) im not single and (b) im worried that I wont be able to politely explain that without being abused or derided in some way!

There is a huge difference to someone who is genuinely attracted to a specific person, and the kind of man who leers or tries it on with every pretty woman / girl he comes across as a matter of habit.

"smile, love"

This thread has reminded me of when, having just been told about my third consecutive m/c, a mmc, I went to pick up DD from school and the frigging bus driver said 'smile love, it might never happen'. Eff the Eff off.

One DS later, that comment still makes me annoyed if I think about it!

Available to be chatted up? Yuk.

Enjoying talking to a specific person and exchanging signals of mutual attraction with that person, I think is what you meant.

In my experience too, it is very difficult to engage in conversation when approached by a man, be chatty and friendly but no more than you would be with a woman who you chatted to, without him expecting it to lead to sex.

In fact, I've been called foul names in the past for "leading him on" on more than one occasion...even when chatting about my DH and children throughout the conversation! One man's friend said to me "in fairness, why did you waste his time talking for over an hour (untrue) if you weren't going to 'get with him'?"

WTF!

UltraBOF, sorry didnt mean to be offensive.
The area I live in is definitely not salubrious! I would call it normal, but from the posts on here, I am beginning to see that what I call normal,may be in fact,better than normal from a crime point of view,though definitely not from a wealth point of view ifswim.
As regards the other part,women who have been abused are more likely for example to take up martial arts and self defence. So are they not more likely to be on their guard I thought. Or have I got that wrong. I now realise I dont really know anything of the specific way this post has gone,so trying to shut up really.
Afraid to post here,but I will be rude if I dont answer questions put to me.