So, the car salesman said to me...

[GooseyLoosey]

"When will your husband be coming in to look at the car?"

It is some time since I had come across such a sexist comment and was at something of a loss to work out how to respond. I left, but was that enough - will he understand why his comment was offensive? Should I have explained to him?

Nickel - I can't see why my DH had to be at home for a window quote. I only requested quotes from local independent firms, not the big high-pressure-sales outfits who demand you to sign up there and then.

DH and I had discussed the need for new windows and doors. I am a SAHM therefore the one with the time to sit at home and wait in for the procession of salespeople. I am intelligent enough to know our budget and work out the best quote. My DH also had no interest in the look of the windows in any case. In a nutshell, the choice of provider was mine to make.

They were the only company I approached who refused to see me by myself. I took pleasure in telling them their sexist stance cost them two large sales, as my neighbour decided to get windows shortly after and she avoided the company too.

Stood in queue at garden centre's lawnmower counter, and was TOTALLY IGNORED when I got to the front. I had to say 'It's my turn!' when the man behind me was about to get served. Got a good apology, though.

That water softener ad reads like it was written by someone who had been taught English extremely well, but it wasn't their first language and maybe from a somewhat different culture.

I hope that's the explanation, anyway.

Just remembered another couple.

When we bought this house (just prior to marriage, so still a Miss not a Mrs), I initiated contact with the solicitors, made all the phone calls, deposit cheque from my sole bank account, wrote all the letters. No contact at all between soon-to-be DH and solicitor.

When we went into sign the contracts etc all the forms were pre-written with DH as first name. Not an alphabetical order thing, either.

Sort of the same. In my last job I made the decision to end the contract with a major supplier after a few serious issues. When I wrote to confirm my decision the supplier wrote to a male colleague (same level of senior manager as me) in an adjoining department unconnected to the decision to ask him if he agreed and offering him enhanced terms to renew the contract.

My colleague (who had no authority to make any decision over the contract) passed the letter to me without replying. I replied to the letter outlining that it was my decision to make, I had made the decision and that the decision would stand. The supplier then rang my male colleague pleading for HIM to reconsider.

I can't imagine the situation being reversed somehow.

I wouldn't complain about this: to be honest, it is reasonable to assume that a couple -which you told him you were a part of- would like to view a big-ticket item together.
If you had not mentioned your marital status, he'd be in the wrong.
Complaining would be unreasonable and get an 'innocent' person into a lot of trouble on the basis of what-assuming that a couple will be both involved in buying a car? Hardly unreasonable.

It is entirely possible that he'd have said to your dh 'when will your wife be seeing car?' Why not try giving people benefit of the doubt?

It's not reasonable at all. If Goosey had wanted her husband to view the car, she would have said 'I'm interested in a more powerful car, can you give me an idea of what you have and I'll make another time to come and view it with my husband', or at least acknowledged something about not wanting to make the final decision yet. She didn't.
She made it clear that it was for her use, that she knew what she wanted, that she would be driving it. Why is it innocent for him to assume that she'd need/want her husband's input when at no point in the transaction has she said anything about that?

Incidentally, a few years ago I came home to find that my husband - who wore a wedding ring and everything - had gone out and replaced our old banger with a brand new car. Walked in the gate after work, and there it was in the driveway. Little red 1.2l runabout, the sort of thing often marketed at women. Want to guess if the salesman assumed he'd be waiting for the go-ahead from his wife?

Tortoiseonthehalfshell, when people get married (if she had just mentioned she had a partner and not a dh, oddly enough, I would most definitely think the salesman was being unreasonable) they are explicitly stating to the world that they wish to be viewed as a couple in more or less all matters.
This is what the rest of the world is being presented with: a couple who wish to be seen as such for rest of their lives.
It is reasonable, therefore, for others to assume that decisions about big-ticket items will be made as a couple.

Like I said, it is entirely possible that the salesman would have said to the dh :' when is your wife coming to see this?'
Why not give him the benefit of the doubt?

Don't wish to be seen as a couple? Don't get married is my view.

If the salesman had just said 'Will your husband be coming in to look at the car?' that would have been OK. That assumes that you might want to make a shared decision, no more. Its the addition of the 'when' which gives the impression that the salesman thinks its a given that the husband should be coming in.

So, his words were not perfect.
I actually think that if I were a car salesperson, I would most definitely ask -if a couple were married- when dh/dw would see the car.
Who wants to go through paperwork of selling a car only to be told later: 'sorry my dh/dw doesn't like it?'

All I'm really saying here is that the :' he is a sexist pig' views may not be the case.

It is not unreasonable for people to assume that a married couple will both be involved in the buying of a car.

I don't think it is reasonable nowadays,wamster.It would be reasonable to ask..."will your partner be coming to look at the car"/"would you like to look again with your family" ie to give the customer a chance to proceed with the sale in a particular way if they want to. It isn't reasonable to assume you know what they will want to do based on how you assume their life is run. Interestingly (or maybe not!) in my job it is common for men to say that they will come back with their wives/partners,much less common the other way round.But we don't say to men "when will your wife be coming to see this?" we assume that as competent adults if that is what they want to do,they will tell us. I'm also not sure the salesman is entirely an innocent party - surely if you are selling a big-ticket item you should have some idea of what not to say to offend your clients? Particularly as in this case what he said has lost his company the sale?

I'd be very keen to get other member of married couple's views on the car, just to avoid hassle later on, not because I am a sexist pig.

In fact, when dh bought a car recently and made it clear he'd be the one buying it, the salesman more or less insisted I viewed vehicle even though my dh -just as a matter of fact- has more interest in cars and is more knowledgeable about them. I don't give a s**t about cars, to be frank.

I am tired and in a bad mood this morning. I just sent this to the water softener people:

Dear Sir/Madam
I would like to point out to you that the information on your website suggesting what 'the man of the house' and 'the housewife' may find useful about having a water softener are laughable, ridiculous and offensive. I actually questioned whether it was supposed to be a mock up of 1950s advertising and, having come to the conclusion that it's not and is instead a disastrously misguided attempt to genuinely sell to customers in the 21st century, thought I should alert you to the fact that sexism of this kind will a) not help you sell water softeners and b) is extremely distasteful.
Yours,
Pippaandpolly (a 'housewife' of the sort that wears jeans, works, and shares the laundry with her husband)

PrideOfChanur, if a 'partner' I would think it wholly unreasonable for salesman to ask if the other partner is viewing vehicle. Like I said, 'partners' (although they may very well be in a committed relationship) have not stated that explicitly. A married couple by dint of getting married have.

Don't want to have people assuming that your dh/dw will be involved in making a big-ticket item, don't get married.

The people here saying that the salesman is a sexist pig may be right, but my view is plausible, too.

Why not just give the guy the benefit of the doubt?

I hadn't realised when I got married that I was committing to never making a separate big ticket purchase again!TBH I think that is just silly.If you are a salesman you just have to accept that some clients will cause hassle later on for various reasons,that is part of the job and it is your job to do your best to ensure that doesn't happen.That doesn't mean blanket assumptions about family set up,it means listening to what the customer says and giving them openings to tell you how they want to proceed. Thinking about this even more I've been married nearly 25 years - I can't remember when I was last involved in DH's car buying.In one memorable year when he had had a lot of car problems I didn't realise he had bought a new car for several weeks. Purchase out of family money,with prior discussion of budget,yes - but why do I need to go and look as loads of boring cars which he is going to drive,almost exclusively? And vice versa,except that he does come with me as he likes to think about cars and I don't.Whether he likes the car wouldn't affect whether or not I bought it though,because it will be my car and I will drive it.....

Well, when DH bought his extremely male 3 million litre two door sports car thing, they asked if I was coming to see it. Several times, just to be sure!

Probably thought he'd get home and be sent back with a flea in his ear to by a sensible Zafira

Or use Ms.

It's nonsense and smacks of "Do you have permission to buy this?" Why would a salesperson put off a buyer who is about to hand over the cash? Seems to go against all the clinch-the-deal patter they are taught.

Don't wish to be seen as a couple? Don't get married is my view

Being a couple does not equal never making a purchasing decision on my own again, don't be ridiculous. And the reason I'm disinclined towards giving him the benefit of the doubt is because car sales, as a whole, is a notoriously sexist industry. And because my husband has never been asked when I'll be inspecting a car before he buys it. And because you're skating dangerously close to the coverture concept.

No, I disagree, if you are a salesman, you make the assumption that a couple will both be involved in the buying of a big-ticket sale because most people would find that to be reasonable what with the couple being married and all that.
If the other person then says : 'My husband wants no input into this' you accept it and concentrate solely upon dh, or in this case, dw.

And it's not silly for a person to assume that big-ticket items will be discussed by the married couple at all. Quite the reverse.

I'm no big fan of marriage- frankly, I think that it is in part the government's way of getting out of responsibilities towards the people of Britain by placing responsibility for them onto someone else- however, if a couple do get wed, they have to accept that society will make assumptions about their relationship.

The only answer is not to get married.

Nobody is saying that a member of a married couple can never buy anything on their own again!! Just that it is reasonable to make the assumption that big-ticket items will be discussed by a married couple.
If the person tells you: ' my dh is not involved in this', you accept it and concentrate on them.

That's ridiculous. You turn up alone, ask about viewing a car that you will be driving alone, know what you want in terms of specifications and talk a lot about your driving needs and why a certain model will/won't work, and at no point during this conversation say anything akin to 'of course, my husband will have to look at it as well'. The default assumption is not that you will need a second opinion from your spouse.

And, again, several people here have posted that when a man buys a car, there is no such assumption.

Not quite as bad as the car salesmen, but the guys who came to fit our washing machine had spoken to me extensively on the phone about the difficulties of the location and plumbing issues etc. Then when they arrived, they said ' just get your husband to drill a hole through here for the pipe love'.

Also very 'amused' by the his and hers gardening gloves set from homebase dh brought home. I'd have thought they might be the same style, just large and small, but the men's ones are decdnt leather for doing actual hard whork, while the ladies' are (of course) pink, and basically glorified rubber gloves. Presumably all I'll be doing is a little light weeding and maybe cutting a few carnations...

What do you even mean 'concentrate on them'? You do understand that the OP was alone, right?

No, the default position is that the couple will both offer input on big-ticket items, both Pissfarterleech and myself have stated that this is the case with us.

Personally, the older I am getting the more bolshie I become and the more anti-marriage I am, I do, however, see that when a couple make their vows 'to death us to part' 'richer for poorer' and all that stuff, they are saying they wish to be viewed as a couple for life. And for them to complain that others make the assumption that they wish to be seen as a couple in all matters in daft.

So what if the OP was alone, the dh may not have been able to see the car at the allotted time for whatever reason. It's not unreasonable for the salesman to assume that he'd like to see it later.