Sensitive - can I help my friend?

[feedingatoddler]

I've namechanged because I don't want anyone to figure out who she is (however unlikely that would be) but I am a semi-regular poster on this section and I know you'll be able to give me sensitive advice on this situation. If you think you know who I am or can link this to any other thread, please don't say so.

My friend told me the other day that she thinks her boyfriend/ex is having sex with her while she is asleep. From what she told me I don't think there can be another explanation for what's happening, although she can't remember it (hence not being sure) and obviously she isn't consenting. :(. They have technically split up, though neither are moving out, she doesn't feel she can ask him to because it's his house, and she has nowhere to move to so is trying to get something sorted, although they are still sharing a bed. They have a toddler as well. She's been offered a place in a refuge from other things which have gone on, she hasn't told anybody about this, and there has been no violence other than this. But at the moment she says going to the refuge is more scary than just living with this situation a bit longer. There's nowhere else to sleep in the house either - she can't sleep on the sofa because her ex's friend is staying there (who happens to be my ex, although that's irrelevant, I can quite understand why she doesn't want to share with him either) and she doesn't want to sleep in with their toddler.

I am really upset by this and want to help but I don't know what to do - I suggested going to the police but she's very resistant saying it will be his word against hers and she doesn't want to go through examinations etc, especially if he then turns around and says "well it was consensual" and it's still her word against his. And I don't really blame her TBH. It's almost like denial is easier than facing it at the moment, but it's happening 2-3 times a week, usually when he is drunk. I said what if he is going out and sleeping with other girls first, he could give you a disease, but that just upset her at the thought he might have moved on already. I cannot imagine what sort of mental place she must be in that all these things - moving to a refuge, her recent ex sleeping with other girls - are worse than being raped 2-3 times a week. I just want to get her out of there.

[PeppaPigHonk]

So you don't think it's actually quite important that someone establishes whether they are being sexually assaulted. Or not?

[PeppaPigHonk]

I disagree, having been involved in feminism for the last 25 years, studied it, absorbed it and observed it.

[AnyFucker]

peppa...the woman in question is very, very far from needing "proof" enough to take this to court

not surprisingly, since she would face an uphill battle against just the kind of attitude you are embodying here

[Camerondiazepam]

Peppa, the semen thing was in OP's post of 17.04.

[cloudyweather]

no-dittany isnt making feminism a dirty word at all.
i came here on a fight and i fought with dittany badly-then questioned myself.
its thanks to her that im not scared to have a voice no more.
its thanks to her that im no longer embarressed to tell it how it is.
its thanks to her that i dont have to cringe in shame because of my past-
women shouldnt have to get proof of being raped
they should be able to report it and be believed!
good fuckin god-its mindbendingly embarressing/shameful/and sickening to have to walk up to someone and say"ive been raped"!
then have to give proof?
does anyone seriously think a woman would do this on a whim!
fuck me-you would be believed more and have to give less proof on a insurance policy for someone stealing youre telly!
[probably just killed another thread-groan]

[AnyFucker]

PH, that is very helpful to someone looking on to someone in a bad relationship

[cloudyweather]

lol Dittany-
yep-im loving radical feminism.
i used to think that that radical feminism was for the middle class only.
but im seeing that this dont matter-eradicating male voilence and partriarchy does.
im trying to convince my also underclass sisters[whom im proud of]that this is the way to go.
it dont matter that we speak a diffrent lingo innit-we are all fighting the same thing!
[the class thing is also patriariatic]

[PeppaPigHonk]

Of course women need to prove rape for the authorities to pursue it. Are you genuinely suggesting that a woman can walk into a police station, say she has been raped and that is all?

If I am burgled I need proof, if I am mugged, I need proof.

Somebody's say so is not enough for the law, no.

Do I think it should be enough to be believed? Yes in most cases I do. But I am old enough to know that not everyone is 100% truthful and not everyone has a clear agenda.

So, how can you support your friend? If she is not strong enough to leave then making sure she is covered contraception wise and maybe wearing clothing in bed that is very difficult to remove or dislodge. And be there for her, which you clearly are.

I don't agree with Dittany's style of feminism and never will but I expect we will have to agree to disagree.
And no, it's not through lack of education or exposure.

[PeppaPigHonk]

Rapeproof clothing?
If she won't leave then making the attacks less easy is a way forward. What do you suggest?
When I have been burgled then yes, the police come out to get proof. They don't just take my word for it. friends do, of course as they should.

[PeppaPigHonk]

I've asked my DH to read this BTW.
He's as feminist as a man can be so I think his POV will be interesting, for me at least.

[AyeRobot]

WTF is going on here? Do we have the MP for Mid-Narnia* on?

PH's 4th point up there is inspired. When I think back to when I left an abusive relationship, all my best decisions were made on my drive back from my home town, where I spent time without him, in normality, and saw glimpses of myself that I had lost.

And for the record, dittany is great. And like she said, eliciting the same reactions from what I charitably assume are different people means she is hitting many nails on the head.


*as Cath Elliott described Nadine Dorries on her blog.

[PeppaPigHonk]

I know logically why women stay.

But I can't feel that or truly understand it. If you are a strong woman raised by strong women with high self esteem etc then if a man ever began to treat you in a way you didn't like, you'd leave. When you only know strong women and good men it's very, very hard to understand any other way.
But I hope to stick around on here because I need to learn to understand and I think this forum might help.
Thanks Prince for your post.