Sensitive - can I help my friend?

[feedingatoddler]

I've namechanged because I don't want anyone to figure out who she is (however unlikely that would be) but I am a semi-regular poster on this section and I know you'll be able to give me sensitive advice on this situation. If you think you know who I am or can link this to any other thread, please don't say so.

My friend told me the other day that she thinks her boyfriend/ex is having sex with her while she is asleep. From what she told me I don't think there can be another explanation for what's happening, although she can't remember it (hence not being sure) and obviously she isn't consenting. :(. They have technically split up, though neither are moving out, she doesn't feel she can ask him to because it's his house, and she has nowhere to move to so is trying to get something sorted, although they are still sharing a bed. They have a toddler as well. She's been offered a place in a refuge from other things which have gone on, she hasn't told anybody about this, and there has been no violence other than this. But at the moment she says going to the refuge is more scary than just living with this situation a bit longer. There's nowhere else to sleep in the house either - she can't sleep on the sofa because her ex's friend is staying there (who happens to be my ex, although that's irrelevant, I can quite understand why she doesn't want to share with him either) and she doesn't want to sleep in with their toddler.

I am really upset by this and want to help but I don't know what to do - I suggested going to the police but she's very resistant saying it will be his word against hers and she doesn't want to go through examinations etc, especially if he then turns around and says "well it was consensual" and it's still her word against his. And I don't really blame her TBH. It's almost like denial is easier than facing it at the moment, but it's happening 2-3 times a week, usually when he is drunk. I said what if he is going out and sleeping with other girls first, he could give you a disease, but that just upset her at the thought he might have moved on already. I cannot imagine what sort of mental place she must be in that all these things - moving to a refuge, her recent ex sleeping with other girls - are worse than being raped 2-3 times a week. I just want to get her out of there.

rape and abuse eats away at self esteem Peppa.
youre self esteem can go and you might not even see it.
a woman that cant/wont leave isnt weak.

[not having a go]

I really dont think you need your husbands opinion. dont you have your own mind?

i've been in abusive relationships before, and when there is no-where to go, its hard to leave. you also hope they might get better. but if they do get better its only usually AFTER you leave.

I ahve also been homeless, and its NOT easy. Homelessness is a full time job, and very humiliating. so why not just leave? well its easy to say, harder to do, and exponentially harder to do when you have kids, and if your self esteem is already low, the abuse just piles on to the feelings or worthlessness.

now i really must get on with my report!

"If you are a strong woman raised by strong women with high self esteem etc then if a man ever began to treat you in a way you didn't like, you'd leave."

Oh how I wish I and most of my friends were this lucky!

Sorry, but although I can see that if all (literally, all?) of your friends think like this it must be hard to understand another mindset, I find it astounding that you would make an automatic assumption that everyone thinks this way, unless you are a teenager, which I'm guessing you aren't?

Would you just go up to your neighbour and demand they move out of their house, because you want to live there? Even if someone told you that you were perfectly entitled to do that? Because that's about as much power she probably believes she has against this man at the moment.

(I can't believe this thread has been going all night )

Feeding - could the medication be a possible cause of your friend not rousing during the assaults? If she's taking painkillers prescribed for her ex, not her, who knows what effect they're having on her system? I would really try to encourage to her try and get some better medication for her migraines, rather than take her ex's stuff - can be really dangerous in a whole host of ways (as this may show). I'm glad she's got you.

I don't think so, it's only codeine-based. She was saying she was trying to wean herself off them, and that she had had them before but her current doctor says she doesn't need them, but she was hoping to speak to a different doctor.

Also I meant to say in my last post, all the nitpicking over whether she would be believed or whether she is 100% sure is really pointless as she doesn't want to go to the police anyway, and even if it's not happening, the fact she's worrying about it (and the other factors in the relationship) are reason ENOUGH for her to need to leave.

And I believe her anyway. I don't see why she would lie.

Lubbermummy - I am PMSL at the idea that I need my husbands opinion.

I asked him as a very switched on thinking man what he thought, is all.
Dittany, I probably don't know strong women and decent men?

In my social circle, in my group of friends from what I can gather ( and I have no reason to believe my girlfriends would lie to me) we are all confident in our relationships and happy with good, decent men who see women as they should, absolute equals in every way. I know this because it's a topic of conversation. If a woman in our circle was going through this we would support her and give practical solutions. Like having her to stay with one of us for a start.

I'm sorry that I live like this and I'm sorry if you think that's smug or lucky but it is how it is.

I did have one friend years ago ( they moved away) who lived with a very controlling man and she simply accepted it and is still there twenty years later I believe. Her choice, wouldn't be mine.

Are you offended by me saying I thought you were lucky? I'd love everyone to be brought up with those role models. Sadly it's not the case. You don't need to apologise though.

Prince I wanted to say thank you as well - saying what helped you has been really helpful.

Feedingatoddler, the older I get the more I realise that my life doesn't really mirror many others so yes, I am lucky I suppose.

But that means that I am able to be quite objective and do /have offered support .

A few years back I was coming home from the school run to find a man and woman having a blazing row in the street. He grabbed her shoulder and I waded in shouting, " Stop that! let her go! now!" and he did. She needed help so I gave her £50 if recall to get a train miles away to a friend. I function better giving practical help. I reckon there is room for all of us.

Princehumperdink.

We play to our strengths. Mine is being a unemotional old boot with a seriously fearless attitude and a willingness to always, always help someone - stranger or not.
It's stood me in good stead over the years and sometimes my practical approach helps just enough to get someone to the place where they can access the emotional support.
I don't need to fully understand to reach out a helping hand.

Peppa, you sound like the kind of person who talks and gives orders about what someone should be doing in a particular situation

rather than a listener who takes the time to find out what someone actually wants

Nope. Quite wrong Anyf - don't make assumptions.
I just know my own strengths and I butt out if they cant be used or something other than what I have is required.

I've helped out ( in all sorts of ways - from helping a friend of mine procure an abortion when I was a 15 year old virgin) to a young lad having a knife pulled on him in a bus shelter.
If the woman in this thread was a friend of mine I'd offer her somewhere to stay. That is what I would do. Which, if she took it up, would be a darn sight more useful than just listening and then sending her back to his bed. IMHO, of course.

I am not the one making assumptions on this thread

Nobody is "sending" her back to his bed. Where did you get that idea. She is unable, at the moment, to leave it.

And Op has already said why she cannot offer her mate a place to stay. Are you criticising that too ?

You know that bit where you said I just know my own strengths and I butt out if they cant be used or something other than what I have is required. ??

do you only take your own advice sometimes then ?

you are a lone voice on this thread, and yet you persist

however, you are right, you are entitled to your opinion

You're not making assumptions?

What do you call this , then?

" Peppa, you sound like the kind of person who talks and gives orders about what someone should be doing in a particular situation

rather than a listener who takes the time to find out what someone actually wants"

I am not criticising the OP. I am telling you what I would do. Which is offer her a pace to stay.

You are quite correct that I am entitled to my opinion, however.

peppa, you say you want to stick with MN to learn something of which you have no personal experience ?

have a read of this thread

it may help you out a bit, to understand why women feel they have no alternative but to stay with abusive men, sometimes