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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

Can I have some tips on explaining female masturbation to dd please

74 replies

LaurieFairyCake · 04/05/2011 18:27

She knows what 'wanking' is because she's at secondary school and at primary they explained ejaculation. Ive explained blow jobs, anal sex and rape to her as they have all been mentioned in lessons.

I think there is very little said about female masturbation and the whole of sex talk in the playground is centred around boys masturbating.

I need a book or some tips please to start me off. I could just explain that women have orgasms too but it would be ME introducing the topic rather than on it being child led. All our conversations so far have been asked by her to clarify things.

I am of course outraged that more than 20 years after I was at school people still don't talk or joke about the female orgasm. It's still not part of general conversation.

OP posts:
HerBEggs · 04/05/2011 18:37

Have you asked the school whether they cover this subject?

noodle69 · 04/05/2011 18:46

When I was at school everyone talked about female masturbation and I did with my friends a lot. Its in all the magazines and I remember when we took in a copy of a magazine (used to be called B doesnt exist anymore). It had a pull out massive supplement on masturbation, all new ways to do it and which is the best vibrators to buy. I think I was in year 9 then. We already all masturbated by that age. By 16 all my friends had vibrators as it was when we all used to be really in to sex and the city and charlotte got her rabbit.

I will be fine if my daughter wants one at that age and I would happily buy her one. I would also read the magazines with her if she wants to. It is definitely widely talked about at school nowadays ime.

nikki1978 · 04/05/2011 18:48

Really noodle? A vibrator at 16?

madwomanintheattic · 04/05/2011 18:51

i suspect she already knows tbh. but is conforming to the 'we don't talk about it' expectation. do you genuinely think she doesn't? or are you trying to level the playing field about what can be discussed openly?

noodle69 · 04/05/2011 18:55

I left school in 2000 so its the time when sex and the city was massive and ann summers really took off. School is a lot different nowadays I guarntee she knows.

MillyR · 04/05/2011 18:59

I'm in my late thirties and I did not know at school, nor did my friends ever mention it. I found out how to do it for myself, and I did not even know that other women did it. When I was in my late teens, some of my friends told me that they had never had an orgasm.

I hope things have changed now, and girls do know how to masturbate, and understand that the clitoris is not just the small bit that you can see.

Original poster
LaurieFairyCake · 04/05/2011 19:02

She definitely doesn't know, she is extremely open about what is talked about. School are not covering it, dh is a teacher and it's not in the lessons.

Yes, I want to level the playing field. I think it's really important for self esteem and to say that there's all kinds of sex and not just penetrative. I want her to be able to say no if she doesn't want cock oriented sex, the majority of women don't orgasm through that way. Also, what she learns from the pornography that is brought into school will likely be about male pleasure.

I've deliberately posted this here and not in chat as I think this is a feminist issue and there is an opportunity for women to be more open with their daughters about pleasurable sex for females.

OP posts:
Original poster
LaurieFairyCake · 04/05/2011 19:04

I also left school in 89 and it was never mentioned, indeed I didn't know til I had one aged 20 what it was.

I can't show her sex in the city at 16 as it's an 18 certificate and she's fostered and can't be shown it.

OP posts:
MillyR · 04/05/2011 19:07

I have no more helpful advice than for you to trawl the internet and find the most realistic advice. I have had a quick look and there is some complete nonsense out there. A GP is advising that many women do not masturbate because many women don't have an emotional attachment to their vulvas in the way that men have an emotional attachment to their penises. What is that even meant to mean??

If someone does find some decent links, I'd like to know as my DD will want to know in a few years.

noodle69 · 04/05/2011 19:08

I think it is strange that someone getting to their late teens and never having an orgasm. I remember people talking about clits and playing with yourself from about year 7. Also you do it in science class as well and we talked about female and male masturbation in a form class and the same as all drugs that type of thing (Although everyone took the piss obviously)

noodle69 · 04/05/2011 19:11

Soz didnt see what you wrote above. Just let her have access to magazines thats how I read everything. I knew how to masturbate anyway as I think thats instinctive but magazines show you all the information you need. I taught my boyfriends how to make me orgasm from oral through reading cosmo/b/j17/more. Those types of things are always in there.

Mamaz0n · 04/05/2011 19:11

Im not sure how you would bring it up into conversation.
I guess you could maybe say "my friend has just admited she has never had an orgasm. isn't that sad" you can then go on to explain that until a woman knows her own body and knows what she likes and enjoys, there is no way she will be able to communicate that to her lover.

or summat?

Original poster
LaurieFairyCake · 04/05/2011 19:12

But it's not that strange, all my friends that age were the same. I was politicised and educated about Germaine greer, Nancy Friday, Andrea dworkin at uni and that's where I found my orgasm.

You are from one generation younger than me noodle Wink

OP posts:
MillyR · 04/05/2011 19:13

Noodle, I think many women get a lot older than their late teens and have never had an orgasm.

Original poster
LaurieFairyCake · 04/05/2011 19:13

X posted too.

OP posts:
madwomanintheattic · 04/05/2011 19:17

having been in sex ed classes for yr 8s a number of times (you wouldn't believe the number of people that suddenly need time off work at that point Grin) i can't remember it being covered as part of the curriculum. the school did however, have an 'any questions' post box. all students had to write something (even if it was 'the quick brown fox' etc) on a piece of paper every lesson, and post it. the teachers were at enormous pains to point out that absolutely anything could be asked about sex (except personal questions relating to the teacher's sex life) and masturbation. at the end of each lesson the teacher would pull out a couple of questions from the lesson prior, and discuss the issue. female masturbation did come up a few times.

i'm not sure what the content for sex ed is now tbh - i know they have been tinkering with it a bit. it would be interesting to find out and for someone to champion a levelling of the playing field in that respect if it does vastly differ... does dh include male masturbation in his lesson planning?

it sounds as though you have a very open relationship and discuss most things with her though - not discussing this would reinforce the issues you are concerned about... given that i spend a good deal of time trying to persuade dd2 not to rub herself in public it comes up a lot round here! Grin

i'd be awfully surprised if vibrators weren't in common parlance though... even if not discussed in a particularly female-oriented way?

noodle69 · 04/05/2011 19:22

I think one generation makes a difference though as I was coming of age in the age of vibrators so female masturbation was talked about a lot. Also everyone used to dare each other to go in to ann summers to buy bullet vibes just the same as egging each other on to buy fags. All my friends bought our first vibe on the school trip to Italy. I was 18 when I got the rabbit and every other girl I know was the same.

Also why did you have to teach yourself to do it. Do you not feel you just got the urge to do it and you didnt know why? I work with very young children and they are often doing it. I think its a natural built instinct.

MillyR · 04/05/2011 19:27

I have had a look at AyeRobot's link and it is very good. I would show your DD that. It explains how to masturbate, has very good female anatomy links, explains where the clitoris is and that it is the same size as the penis. I

Original poster
LaurieFairyCake · 04/05/2011 19:28

I agree it's natural in young children - it's then drummed out of us in teenage years - 'don't scratch down there dear, it's dirty' etc etc.

I found my orgasm after years of being discouraged to think about sex or by being sold by the media that wanking is a boy thing. That's why the free thinking and politicising at uni was so important to me.

OP posts:
Takver · 04/05/2011 19:30

Would it be helpful to give her an age-appropriate book which you can then discuss with her?

I just got a book for dd (who is much younger) about puberty & growing up recommended by Nickelbabe who posts on here, that definitely talks about female masturbation. I'm sure there are teenager friendly books that would hit the spot & give you a starting place for chatting about female sexuality. Our Bodies Ourselves was very popular when I was younger, but there must be more modern books along the same lines.

Original poster
LaurieFairyCake · 04/05/2011 19:31

Yep loving that site - will run it by her social worker and see if they're ok with it. Thanks for that.

Also mamazon, I liked your opening question - that gives me an opening.

OP posts:
noodle69 · 04/05/2011 19:34

I dont think its dirty though and was never brought up to think it was. I would never tell a child in my care it was dirty just that its best to not sit there doing it during circle time Wink My daughters 3 and she does it thats up to her and would never stop her from doing it.

I remember doing the whole rubbing cuddly toys up against yourself at sleepovers as a group with my mates. We didnt use to think of it as any different to tickling on arms game or any other things we used to do.

I have never read any of the books/authors that you have said I just did it cause it felt good. I think it all depends on your area/people you associate with though often.

AyeRobot · 04/05/2011 19:41

It's a good one, isn't it? And they are very friendly. I got into a long email discussion with one of the mods there about the hymen a few months ago. Don't ask.

I was going to post something about female masturbation a few weeks ago when I perused some of the free porn sites after those long threads on here. Many of the top rated videos were of women masturbating alone. Which was an interesting contrast to the usual nonsense. Still just as woman-as-sex-toy, though.

Like noodle, most of my more interesting sex education was from magazines like More and the special sealed sections in Cosmo. I'm in my late 30s.

Takver · 04/05/2011 19:43

That's a fantastic site, ayerobot