Can I have some tips on explaining female masturbation to dd please

[LaurieFairyCake]

She knows what 'wanking' is because she's at secondary school and at primary they explained ejaculation. Ive explained blow jobs, anal sex and rape to her as they have all been mentioned in lessons.

I think there is very little said about female masturbation and the whole of sex talk in the playground is centred around boys masturbating.

I need a book or some tips please to start me off. I could just explain that women have orgasms too but it would be ME introducing the topic rather than on it being child led. All our conversations so far have been asked by her to clarify things.

I am of course outraged that more than 20 years after I was at school people still don't talk or joke about the female orgasm. It's still not part of general conversation.

I think we all need to complain to schools if they're not covering female masturbation in sex education.

I am quite honestly astonished. Where the fuck are we, Texas? It's 2011 and some schools still aren't covering this subject? Can this be possible?

i HONESTLY did not know about female masturbation nor male masturbation until i was 16. and to be honest it never even entered my head to have a play about or anything-i only found out about it when a boyfriend introduced me to it.
i did not know about anal sex until i was at university-again had never thought about it before and never heard anyone talking about it.
i still probably dont know half the stuff-yet do have 2 children.
i must be really naive or lacking libido or something?
(born 1976)

How interesting. Something I will have to approach with DD at some point, I guess!

I'm not sure it always - ahem - "comes naturally", noodle.

I don't recall ever being discouraged when it came to sex ed. or being told anything was "dirty" etc, yet it wasn't until I was 20 and three years past losing my virginity that I first masturbated to orgasm. It just hadn't occurred to me to do so up to that point, but not for any particular reason (although the fact that I had boyfriends in that time and lots of sex with them - including orgasms - may have had something to do with it).

ayerobot - that's interesting. i once had a boyfriend who was constantly nagging and nagging and pretty much bullying me into masturbating for him. i felt like a blardy performing seal, it wasn't about me about all.

I don't think it's anythign to do with generation or upbringing. I was born in 1966 and I was brought up in fanatical mediavel-type Irish catholic madhouse where naked bodies were dirty, let alone sex. I started masturbating probably at around 11 ish, before I actually knew what it was. I had no idea what I was doing, just knew I had to go on even though it really scared me as I didn't know if I was doing something dangerous and unhealthy, and had no idea that that rush at the end was called an orgasm. It wasn't until I was about 15 that I heard the word masturbation and suspected that that might be what I was doing...

herbeggs - yeah I agree thats what I think though it is a natural instinct My husband said the same he remembers the day he first touched himself and then next day it felt swollen and he thought he had broken it. You just do it because you do and its not sexual then everyone starts going on about it and then you know. I think its often the case for both genders

this is very interesting. i have never really had the need to masturbate and it does not seem to enter my head. should it? i cant remember the last time i did.
i also dont know the meaning of all the dirty words, my sister did tell me some but i still didnt understand them! i must have some sort of sexual unawareness?

Last week I had to explain all her different parts, she thought the vagina was the word for all of it.

The blow jobs and anal is playground talk though, they haven't mentioned it in sex ed.

Anal was never talked about when I was at uni, it's only since the explosion of the Internet IMO has it come into common parlance.

I also explained anal sex to her as she covered the word rape in school lesson, she didn't get how a man could rape man. I explained oral rape at the same time.

Does she read magazines? Cosmo and the like. I know they are fairly rubbish, but quite educational on this topic. Even if she doesn't buy them a lot of mags get shared at school.

Between mags and mates (and I guess nowdays the Internet) don't most girls figure this out, without intervention by parents or teachers. It's not something I would have wanted to talk to my mum about. My patents did have a copy of My Secret Garden on the book shelf which I helped myself to. Make sure you've got a lock on the bathroom door and a handheld showerhead in the bath.

I don't know, I'm 21 and we didn't talk about any of this at school. When I was in year 5 they sent the boys and girls into different rooms and talked about puberty, but nothing about sex.

My secondary school was an all-girl grammar, but our sex-ed was covered by a woman who introduced herself as, "The nits, tits and dangly bits lady" who made us put condoms on a glass penis - one girl broke hers and had to use a banana instead and the NTDB Lady told her she should get her boyfriend to put his own condom on for his own safety. And the one or two biology lessons that mentioned it, and was all about conception and not at all about sexual pleasure.

The only time female masturbation was mentioned was once, in biology, when we had a supply teacher and one girl was texting under the desk. The teacher said to her, "Miss Jones, I don't know what you're doing under that desk, but there's a time and a place to explore one's body and it isn't in the classroom." Which was quite funny, but I think someone complained to the headmistress about it.

People were very open about periods etc, but not the sex side of things. Hardly anyone had any idea, I don't think. They took magazines like Cosmo off anyone who had them because they were 'inappropriate'.

I've never had an orgasm and I've never masturbated - it never occurred to me that I would until I was 18 and the first (and only) man I've slept with suggested it and I refused. And until he told me, I had never even heard the word 'clitoris', let alone understood anything about it.

It's sad, and it's not what I'd ever want for a daughter of mine. But I think it's a mistake to assume that times have moved on a lot; I only left in 2008 and I'm pretty sure it's the same there now. It's strange because in all other ways, it was a very pro-feminist school. I think the other 'good' school in the area was Catholic and had a very, very high rate of teen pregnancy so they were paranoid that if we knew what sex was we'd be off, messing up their league tables by having babies at 16.

I was born in 75 and it didn't even cross my mind to masturbate until I was about 18. It was NEVER metioned in school, lessons or playground and although I was fully aware that boys did it, I had no idea that girls could/did.

I, or rather a gorgeous french boy named Sebastian discovered my clitoris when I was 16. I had had a few partners by then and none of them had gone near it.

My dd is 9, so I suppose it wont be long until I need to think about this sort of thing.

I'm 22 and it wasn't discussed at my school either. As I've said before noodle, I think you are unusual (in a good way, no offence meant :)) in having such a cool and confident attitude to sex from a young age.

The only time I ever talked about masturbation was with friends, and that was a slightly awkward "Do you do it?" "No" and then later when you were one on one "Yes I do but I didn't want to say it in front of the others". It didn't discuss it in the (admittedly tame) magazines I read, and I don't think it was covered in school apart from possibly "Both girls and boys can do this and it's okay". In fact I believe the masturbation conversations stemmed from the putting a condom on a dildo class, and we were surprised that it was blue I remember thinking that masturbation was just putting a finger up inside yourself and couldn't see the point of doing it at all. I was very confused how one of my friends managed as she had beautiful long nails! Then I remember googling oral sex tips when I had my first boyfriend and being aware of the clitoris, but still not really understanding what to do with it. It wasn't until the 3rd person I slept with (and I didn't ever sleep with first bf) who took to me with an electric toothbrush (ahem ) that I realised what an orgasm really was and how much stimulation the clitoris really needs. Even then, he had to hold me down because I was so overwhelmed by the sensation my instinct was to get away from it.

TBH, I think saying that experimentation is good and that it isn't "dirty" and you are very unlikely to harm yourself whatever you do is probably enough. She will find out what she likes sexually either by herself or through experiences with partners etc. I would have been beyond mortified to have a conversation with anyone about technique etc.

God, I can't imagine wanting to have these conversations with my mother (and my mum is a real feminist, very liberal and open, we always knew we could ask her stuff if we wanted...).

But no. I wouldn't have wanted to talk to my mum about mastrubation, quite frankly!

Must you? Isn't it enough that you are open and approachable and that she knows your views on sex are liberal and feminist?

I didn't know about male masturbation until my late teens and I didn't know about female masturbation until I was about 20 years old. This is despite the fact that I had my first boyfriend when I was 15 and we got upto all sorts of sexual activities - mainly around bringing my boyfriend orgasm (but not me - I didn't know anything about it)

I didn't really know about masturbation until I went to university (lots of lewd male discussion in the student bar) and assumed female masturbation was very much a minority interest. I didn't feel any urge to masturbate myself until I was in my mid-twenties, and had my first orgasm during sex when I was 28 (am now 33).

Women seem to develop at widely differing rates (as opposed to men who all seem to start orgasming in early puberty) so I do think it's important not to make your daughter feel inadequate if she's just not that interested yet. It's awful being in your late teens, having no interest in sex and being made to feel 'frigid'.

Ugh yes I hate the term "frigid" - I find it quite offensive actually. Differing sex drives are just part of human nature. Whether you have a low one or a high one or you're a late starter or it ebbs and flows wildly. It's not a character fault or an illness!

I am the opposite end of the spectrum. I spent my whole adolescence being called a slag. It never leaves you.

:( suwoo

Bertie - (Im noodle by the way had a name change) I do think it depends a lot on the school you went to. For a lot of my secondary school I went to what would be termed as a pretty rough school. One of my friends had her clit pierced in year 11 and I remember her mum went mad and actually physically checked to make sure she removed it! She had more guts than I did thats for sure.

I went with a lot of boys when I was young but I have never been called a slag. I think it was expected tbh and it was seen as weird if you were the other way round. I didnt mind though it suited me lol

Could be school, could be peer group. I know there were some girls at my school who slept around but I didn't hear "slag" etc bandied around a lot (oh except for at me which was HILARIOUS since everyone knew I'd never even had a boyfriend ) To be fair I was not in the popular or loud crowd at school at all.

I think maybe girls in general are more confident about sex now than they used to be, but I still think we have a long way to go :)

I came on here to recommend Scarleteen and I see someone's already done so. Brilliant site, very feminist, very respectful to teens, and brilliant, accurate information.

I remember reading about masturbation in a book I had (The Usborne Book of Bodies, maybe?) in the late eighties, when I was nine or ten - and thinking "ooh, that is what that is."

FGS don't recommend Cosmo for sex tips- aside from women's magazines sending quite damaging messages to young women, have you seen some of the bonkers suggestions they make?

BitofFun - bonkers is right:

Cosmo sex tips - '#50 Place one hand at the base of his shaft, and twist the tip with the other?like you?re opening a jar.'

- can't see that one going down well with my dh

Bitoffun -

at bonkers sex tips. They are a bit like Anabel Carmel recipes - you read them and go but hopefully you don't take her at her word and actually try them out in real life.