Porn - I use it and feel bad - help convince me porn is wrong

[GuiltyPornUser]

Firstly, sorry if this is the wrong place to post this, although I thought it may be the most appropriate. I'm a married man, and I use porn fairly regularly. It's not something I feel has a massive negative effect on my life, but I feel bad about it. I'm not someone who specially goes out of my way to buy porn, (I've never paid for it), but with the internet, it's only ever a few clicks away.

I want to be convinced that it's wrong. I recently read Andrea Dworkin's book on pornography, but it hasn't stopped me. I appreciate that a lot of stuff on the web is very brutal and degrading to women, but a lot of the stuff is less obviously so.

My DW wouldn't be happy with me using porn, and I want to stop. I want to be convinced that it's wrong, and how I go about stopping using porn, when it's so easy to find on the internet.

There may be some here who think porn is acceptable and I'm just suffering from some almost religious guilt.

I'd really welcome some advice here, because my DW could find out one day and I want to stop.

Since yesterday, when I started this thread, I've not used porn, so with the information provided, I have stopped!

I'm coming back to this thread as people ask me questions. Sorry if that upsets people.

Should be buy you a silver trophy now then? "No wanking to porn for a whole day!!!" award winner GPU ,April 2011. (cue cheering and women waving their bras aloft).

Gpu, you keep on posting wherever you like. You're a parent and entitled to use this forum within its rules. Ignore the attacks you're getting; certain people seem to think they can control this board. They can't.

(should WE.not be)

Ok helly, I'm not suggesting it's a great achievement, but like any other problem, it's a step at a time, I can't go back in the past!

I'm sure someone has made this point upthread but just in case - your comparison with alcoholism is beyond facile, but even if it wasn't: this ISN'T Porn Users Anonymous. Not even vaguely similar in purpose or content. So why should you find help here?

Now piss off, and stop stroking your ego with what a great guy you are to want to stop using porn.

I see that you can't go back ,I just don't see why it is such a big issue going forward.

Charity, I started this thread with an admission that I wasn't sure this was the correct place.

I think I will piss off. I've been given some good advice, so thanks to those people who have been helpful.

Final post, sorry to those who have been offended by me posting here.

You sure hung around though didn't you? Did you follow the link to the more appropriate site you were directed to by about post three?

Probably not as exciting to discuss this with men though is it? Must have been a shock when we didn't all start congratulating you for your worthy intentions I'll admit. Do you see now why you might have to do a little more study before you describe yourself as a 'feminist' again?

He doesn't seem to be able to hear it when a woman draws a boundary and says no.

it sounds like you're implying he's some kind of rapist because he posted on a thread you find offensive, maybe inbox him? It may have a better effect on his posting.

I think the implication my fuel his anger more.

I think he's been very polite and restrained for someone who's admitted to a fairly common problem (how many million men in the UK watch porn?), and asked for help, and in return had implications of being a rapist thrown back at him.

Hello OP.

I admit that I am glad (assuming you are genuine) that you appear to be seriously questioning your behvaviour.
I also agree with Beachcomber and others that, "if you think of women as human beings you cannot consume porn" and that does make me highly reluctant to engage with you. That you view some women, who you know and deal with everyday, as of equal worth - but not those anonymous ones on the websites doesn't count. I don't think you need convining that using porn is wrong - you seem to know it is wrong.
You have been given some links to some groups which, I really hope, can be of more help to you.

I find it quite disturbing that someone would come into this section and ask for help with their porn use, particularly in light of the recent MH thread (lurked but didn't post). Surely, when posting something so very personal you would read around, do a bit of research and choose an appropriate topic?

Are we that fragile that we are disturbed by the idea that a man watches porn, and wishes to discuss it. I've been lurking, and given this is a parenting website, in which forum on this site should pornography be discussed, given this is where most of the porn threads are?

I don't know if it is disturbing or just a really good example of male entitlement.

"Righto feminists saying as you are the ones who are concerned with men treating women humanely, how about you explain to me how to get in touch with my humane side. I misplace it when I fancy a wank you see. Now I know you've got other things to do like discuss your state of oppression (by people like me) in a space created for that very purpose, but I'm here now and I'm a man, so I expect you to cater to my needs and wants and ignore yours. And you better be nice to me while your doing it or I'll go in the huff and won't become an anti-porn ally."

But correct me if I'm wrong, it wasn't a question about relationships per se (although it was a component, clearly in his relationship with his wife), it was a question about the political analysis of porn.

I'm not buying this entitlement thing either, he asked a question - is that now entitlement? (Is this a man-free zone, is that the problem?) People didn't have to answer, he wasn't rude - I'm just not getting at all why he got such a hard time from some members

Responding to David51's link to the Guardian article about women addicted to porn:

There are some women who don't like themselves for consuming porn because, like the Guardian article mentions, those women say their "need" for porn wastes too much of their valuable time. Female consumers of porn are human too, but that doesn't make them right.

Along with male consumers of porn, such female porn consumers selfishly tend to think the pros and cons of porn are about themselves, but not about the abused women and others they are masturbating to. Too much of the porn debate is focused on the feelings and wishes of the consumer. That is wrong.

He didn't ask a question - he asked us to convince him that using porn is wrong.

This is the feminist section, of course he was going to get the reaction he did.

This has been covered already upthread.

ok, I'm just maybe a different type of feminist - I really dislike porn, but I'm sympathetic to an extent to the men who use it, as I'm aware of its draw on weak men. It's far far more accessible than it was 10 years ago, and it's designed to entice men.

I think the OP was respectful and was at least trying to see the error of his ways.

I got the impression the OP was expecting congratulations and 'poor you, aren't you good for being so sensitive and thoughtful' type reactions.

Why he thought he would get this here is beyond me, Surely a cursory read through of threads in the feminist topic would indicate the strength of 'anti' feeling around this subject.

I agree that the women who appear in porn are dehumanised by the consumer, so that they can use it without feeling guilty about someone else being exploited for their enjoyment.

I can't speak for what he expected, I just think there's a balance

One one side there's "poor you", on the other there's "you bastard, you hate women", I think a better approach is to educate about the harsh realities of porn, otherwise, there's a danger we come across as cliched men haters.

OP, I can recommend Gloria Dines's work