Porn - I use it and feel bad - help convince me porn is wrong

[GuiltyPornUser]

Firstly, sorry if this is the wrong place to post this, although I thought it may be the most appropriate. I'm a married man, and I use porn fairly regularly. It's not something I feel has a massive negative effect on my life, but I feel bad about it. I'm not someone who specially goes out of my way to buy porn, (I've never paid for it), but with the internet, it's only ever a few clicks away.

I want to be convinced that it's wrong. I recently read Andrea Dworkin's book on pornography, but it hasn't stopped me. I appreciate that a lot of stuff on the web is very brutal and degrading to women, but a lot of the stuff is less obviously so.

My DW wouldn't be happy with me using porn, and I want to stop. I want to be convinced that it's wrong, and how I go about stopping using porn, when it's so easy to find on the internet.

There may be some here who think porn is acceptable and I'm just suffering from some almost religious guilt.

I'd really welcome some advice here, because my DW could find out one day and I want to stop.

I agree, vezzie. "Hmm, I think I'm using porn too much and should probably try and stop. Where shall I ask? Oh, what about those lovely ladies on the Mumsnet forum that I've read about in the paper. Look, they've even got a feminist section where a large, argumentative porn thread is going on and lots of them seem not to like porn or porn users. Perfect!"

Aye

4. Actually, I'm a very considerate good lover, porn hasn't affected me in that way. I'm old enough not to have learnt about sex through porn, and my wife and I have a good sex life. Not going into details though

5. I have 1 son, no daughters, I see that's a very important issue though. If I had daughters, I wouldn't be happy with them involved in the business.

6. Isn't that my point 2)?

I reject the idea I've come on Mumsnet to ask about porn as a cheap thrill. I didn't know too much about this forum, dittany, etc. It just seemed a good starting point as anti-porn arguments often come from a feminist perspective, so the feminist forum seemed a good place to come. I've got some good advice here. I didn't know of anti-porn men, and I had been reading Dworkin before I came here.

We'll have to agree to disagree over the alcohol analogy. The problem with alcoholism or gambling isn't usually with the abuse of certain molecules or betting slips, but on those people's relationships with people through loss of money, loss of trust, etc. To say alcoholism is about inanimate objects is to not understand alcoholism. I could say porn is only about inanimate pixels (I'd be wrong)

Theyknow

You make some very good points there. Thanks. Although some aren't happy with me saying it, I still regard myself as a fairly decent guy, a feminist even (we'll have to agree to disagree with me on that one), because on the surface, it's not often obvious there is abuse going on, and because of dissociation.

If you had daughters you wouldn't want them involved says it all. I loathe the double standard-you DDs would be precious but it is quite OK to get off on some poor unloved DD who has had a bad start in life because they don't deserve and better and they aren't precious-the attitude stinks.

sorry 'any better' not and.

The problem with the alcohol analogy is that it sounds, to a feminist, as though you are comparing women to things.

I think we are all quite capable of understanding that alcoholism affects other people thank you very much. I don't believe anybody here is stupid enough to think otherwise .

You may well be a decent guy - but you use porn.

Porn = misogyny ergo porn user = misogynist

The most effective way to stop consuming porn is to face that truth.

(The 'decent guy'/Nice Guy/not my Nigel/ defence is used a lot to justify acts of misogyny - to a feminist it is about as clichéd as 'a dog ate my homework'.)

Why do you want to stop using porn, GuiltyPornUser? What is it that led to you feeling guilty about it?

And what did you want us to say that would help convince you to stop using it?

Why haven't you told your wife that you are using it? I presume you don't want her to know. If you think that it's not damaging your relationship, why are you hiding it from her? If you think she would object, have you considered asking her why she thinks you shouldn't use it?

All genuine questions, by the way.

And either you are addicted to porn in which case go and get help from the right and proper place ; we are not a free resource called youcanchaponthedooratanytimeanddemandwestopwhatwearedoinginordertohelpyoustopoppressingus.com

Or you are not addicted, in which case educate yourself, let go of a tiny but of your unearned male privilege, develop a bit of humanity and stop wanking to the subhuman treatment of real women.

I think it's worse that GPU came onto MN to talk to women about his sex life.

Yuck.

Beachcomber

Coming here has been part of educating myself. Thank you

Prolesworth - thank you for the link

( Carminaburana here with my Easter name that has nothing to do with Easter )

Oh wow That's really informative and interesting, TY - I've never thought too deeply about pornography ( & I can't honestly say I've never used it ) - maybe I've deliberately defended it because I've taken part in it ( by consuming it ) my view has always been it's ok as long as it is kept away from children - I would campaign to have it removed from Tesco's etc . But I still can't get my head around the harm principle - If Pornography was so damaging to women why hasn't it been banned? The 'acceptable' face of porn, ie; the lads mags you get in supermarkets are (imo) as bad as hardcore pornography because it's right there in our faces above the Radio Times - I hate that.

Hi GPU
I'd be interested in getting answers to my questions.

Ok, I'm back. Since yesterday (I'm not responding to the unjustified attack again Dittany)

Have I looked? Yes, to consider the images and what's going on from a different perspective - is this violent, etc?

Have I wanked? No, I'm serious about this.
Have I read Robert Jensen? Yes
Have I told my wife? No

Jess

I have a natural emotional sense that porn is bad before I came here, I can't really explain more. What did I want you to say - I wanted evidence and links to anti-porn material - I hadn't heard of Robert Jensen before yesterday, thanks for that.

I've not told my wife, I think if I stop (and I don't use it a lot) then problem solved. It doesn't damage my relationship, but my wife wouldn't be happy (I think), and I don't want the potential for damage to my relationship.

I know some may not agree with me, but I am quite possibly the kind of man that would make a good ally in the fight against porn.

I thought the comments on Dworkin were relevant as I'd recently read her work, Dittany, the only person being aggressive in these threads is you. I can understand you have porn passionately, but attacking me personally is completely unproductive.

should be hate porn passionately

Dittany

The only one being aggressive here is you. I didn't come on this board to say porn is great and to defend it. I watched porn yesterday with the words of Robert Jensen in my mind. You're completely and deliberately misconstruing what I wrote when I said I looked at porn.

It's quite clear you hate me, and I can only retort that your hatred is completely unproductive.

I am a bit baffled really-you are convinced you are a "decent bloke" and yet you are lying to your wife about something which you know would upset her,and you are using porn even though you have enough awareness and knowledge to understand that you should stop.It shouldn't take seven pages of a thread ,asking um..women,to support you in stopping.are you twelve years old? just don't wank to porn, and talk to your wife.there is something slightly strange about your need for all of us to validate you and pat you on the back for not wanking to abused women. Not my definition of a decent bloke,my definition of a weak willed and needy man who needs to grow up.

I'll leave the other thread, but I'm not falling for it. You asked me a question in the other thread, I responded, and now you're implying I'm some kind of rapist.