Porn - I use it and feel bad - help convince me porn is wrong

[GuiltyPornUser]

Firstly, sorry if this is the wrong place to post this, although I thought it may be the most appropriate. I'm a married man, and I use porn fairly regularly. It's not something I feel has a massive negative effect on my life, but I feel bad about it. I'm not someone who specially goes out of my way to buy porn, (I've never paid for it), but with the internet, it's only ever a few clicks away.

I want to be convinced that it's wrong. I recently read Andrea Dworkin's book on pornography, but it hasn't stopped me. I appreciate that a lot of stuff on the web is very brutal and degrading to women, but a lot of the stuff is less obviously so.

My DW wouldn't be happy with me using porn, and I want to stop. I want to be convinced that it's wrong, and how I go about stopping using porn, when it's so easy to find on the internet.

There may be some here who think porn is acceptable and I'm just suffering from some almost religious guilt.

I'd really welcome some advice here, because my DW could find out one day and I want to stop.

RitaLynn, look in Pornland by Gail Dines, she is an academic and uses proper peer-reviewed research.

Carmina...are you not following the logic on this thread that the "soft" stuff you use is all part of a bigger picture ?

I asssume you mean that you use lesbian porn. You do realise that the people who most profit from lesbian porn are men ? Girl on girl action is the least well-paid area of porn "acting".

Many women endure porn "acting" because they need the money, often for addictions of their own. Now go figure. More addiction=need more money=have to step up the ladder of degradation.

honestly don't do it, I'm going to go and cry in the garden now

Dittany, I was posting in a hurry as my wife wanted to go shopping. Who else do you think I was apologising too?
Perhaps you could consider the way you interact with other people in this forum too. Just because people don't entirely agree with your politics doesn't give you the right to talk to people the way you do. Aggression breeds aggression. Having said that, like I said, on reading your post it wasn't as bad as I first though and I do apologise.

inde -Dittany is SO not agressive. She is extremely forthright, but given the fact that she is personally attacked on virtually every single thread (as you did), she is very restrained, and doggedly plays the ball, and not the (wo)man. Given the vitriol she attracts, I think it is amazing that she doesn't resort to personal insults.

Perhaps by 'aggressive' you mean 'makes what I posted about how I am so great and non-sexist look irrelevant, complacent and whiney'?

great posts Dittany and Charitygirl.

So right - in all my feministy internet wanderings I've NEVER seen women talking graphically about doing violent, degrading things to men. But when a 'mainstream' bloke says that he doesn't think 'mainstream' porn is a big problem, he is ABSOLUTELY saying it's ok for someone, somewhere to do violent degarding things to women, and for other people to watch it.

And inde - no, I'm not talking about you.

Thanks for at least taking the time to engage me with reasonable argument charitygirl. I didn't actually say I'm great, I think I'm quite average really which is actually what i was trying to say. Nor do I think I'm particularly non sexist although I do think that women should have equal opportunities. I also think that women should be able to lead as fulfilled lives as men without male violence being perpetrated against them.
Also I think your interpretation of my post as whiny when I was just stating that not all men enjoy or approve of violent and degrading porn isn't helpful either.
Like I said in my first post I really have gained more respect for feminists having read many posts in here. I think that some people don't do the cause any good though and do come over as man haters. The worst example I can think of was when a man asked some quite reasonable questions and he was just attacked for doing so. One posters witty and non sexist reply was "I bet you have got a small penis". Does being a feminist mean that you don't have to treat others with respect?
Anyway thanks again for your thoughtful reply and sorry for taking this off topic. it wasn't my intention.

I like the way Dittany uses language that mirrors the woman-hating propaganda used in porn

I mean, why not ? It is run-of-the-mill currency in some circles, obviously. Why not say exactly what is going on in the sex indusry ?

Not so palatable when directed at your own attitude though, is it ?

Otherwise it's like saying that Fred West was a bit of a naughty man

Ludicrous

inde, x posted

that was not directed at you personally

just with people in general who don't appreciate it when their liking for the language and visuals of misogynistic porn is mirrored back at them

Great posts Dittany (always!) and Charitygirl

^Dittany is SO not agressive. She is extremely forthright, but given the fact that she is personally attacked on virtually every single thread (as you did), she is very restrained, and doggedly plays the ball, and not the (wo)man. Given the vitriol she attracts, I think it is amazing that she doesn't resort to personal insults.

Perhaps by 'aggressive' you mean 'makes what I posted about how I am so great and non-sexist look irrelevant, complacent and whiney'?^

This is great - should be posted on vitually every single thread

I notice inde still hasnt apologised and I wonder why not? Does he find it difficult to apologise to women? He was very rude and agressive, and an apology is certainly in order.

HH, I think inde did apologise again (kind of)

Would also like to say that dittany is not aggressive. She is honest and cuts through the bullshit.

I think what is meant a lot of the time by aggressive is 'not lady like' and 'saying things that might make me have to question the status quo and examine uncomfortable facts'.

Dittany is very perceptive with picking up on a dynamic, as said by Eggyfucker and I am another one who appreciates when she does so.

Inde, man, shame on you. You stumbled into the thread, misread a post, talked some bullshit and personally attacked the poster on the basis of your own prejudice and called someone a 'man hater' on the feminist forum. Oh dear oh dear oh dear. And you still haven't apologised properly yet!

Anyhoo, strange as it might seem, most of us aren't interested in your assessment of dittany - we are trying to have an interesting feminist discussion in case you hadn't noticed. Sheesh.

Inde - unfortunately your post did come over as the typical 'waaah, why are you saying ALL men are sexist - I'm not' special pleading that is all over feminist discussion boards.

We have the right to talk about what we perceive men do as a group to women as a group, without having to always caveat it with 'some men'...

Feel free to explain what your post added other than 'not all men enjoy porn'. We already knew that.

Hear hear Beachcomber.

Eggy it always has a 'sort of' ambiguity. Sort of apologising and sort of not.

Its funny how internet anonymity makes it so easy to attack someone, but some still find it so difficult to apologise.

Good post charitygirl. It's not the first time I have been give pause to think about something in this forum although I'm not a feminist. Thanks for explaining it to me.

Are you going to assess all the posts/posters in turn inde?

This sort of thing gets right up my feminist nose when done on the feminist board by a person of privilege.

Why not a feminist? What do you think feminists want that you don't?

just seen HHlimbo's post. Yes I did apologise and no I don't find it difficult to apologise to women (ask my wife). Have you already forgotten I'm whiny:)

Apologise to Dittany please, and properly.