Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

Original poster

Porn - I use it and feel bad - help convince me porn is wrong

737 replies

GuiltyPornUser · 10/04/2011 09:50

Firstly, sorry if this is the wrong place to post this, although I thought it may be the most appropriate. I'm a married man, and I use porn fairly regularly. It's not something I feel has a massive negative effect on my life, but I feel bad about it. I'm not someone who specially goes out of my way to buy porn, (I've never paid for it), but with the internet, it's only ever a few clicks away.

I want to be convinced that it's wrong. I recently read Andrea Dworkin's book on pornography, but it hasn't stopped me. I appreciate that a lot of stuff on the web is very brutal and degrading to women, but a lot of the stuff is less obviously so.

My DW wouldn't be happy with me using porn, and I want to stop. I want to be convinced that it's wrong, and how I go about stopping using porn, when it's so easy to find on the internet.

There may be some here who think porn is acceptable and I'm just suffering from some almost religious guilt.

I'd really welcome some advice here, because my DW could find out one day and I want to stop.

OP posts:
Carminaburana · 18/04/2011 12:23

Dittany - people are getting killed everyday in the drugs 'industry' - it doesn't stop some very intelligent people from sniffing coke.

inde · 18/04/2011 12:27

@ Carbinaburana

That's not the same thing though. The people sniffing coke aren't getting their kicks from seeing people being snuffed out. If I were to enjoy that sort of thing I would seriously consider getting help.

Carminaburana · 18/04/2011 12:43

Inde- my point was that porn users will never think about the women who have been killed or abused, just like drug users won't think about how many people have been (possible) killed from Columbia to Camden - all they care about is having a good time with their particular drug. I wasn't talking about the watching of snuff movies ( there has always been doubt surrounding their authenticity anyway )

inde · 18/04/2011 12:45

Having re read Dittany's post again I think I over reacted. It wasn't as over the top as I first took it to be. My apologies.
I do think it is better to engage people who disagree with you with reasoned discussion though, especially as I don't disagree that the porn is wrong. I dont know what you do about it though. It is like pandoras box.

HerBEggs · 18/04/2011 12:56

Inde I'm glad you realised that you over-reacted to Dittany's post, but can I ask you what filter you are actually looking at this debate through, if you launch in with an assumption that feminists discussng porn hate all men?

Do you understand how difficult this kneejerk assumption makes it, to discuss this and other feminist issues in RL?

Have you thought about why you are so automatically hostile to feminists debating things which are of massive import to women (and therefore to men)?

dittany · 18/04/2011 12:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Carminaburana · 18/04/2011 13:09

On your knees Inde - come on

dittany · 18/04/2011 13:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RitaLynn · 18/04/2011 13:31

To be honest, I think Dittany goes too far when talking about porn users - this is just an example of an over generalisation

"Mind you porn users love seeing women on their knees don't they. Particularly if they are choking on a penis."

dittany · 18/04/2011 13:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RitaLynn · 18/04/2011 13:34

I can completely understand that you have a hatred of pornography and pornographers, but it spills over into a hatred of anyone who uses porn.

I did the google experiment this weekend and looked at the most viewed videos on a popular porn website, and although some was definitely shocking, most "appeared" to be consensual sex.

dittany · 18/04/2011 13:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HerBEggs · 18/04/2011 13:35

Why is that going too far Rita?

It is after all, one of the most commonly viewed porn images.

And also Dittany made a valid point. Inde came in with a personal attack directly addressed to her but when he apologised it was slightly more oblique and slightly ambiguous about whether it was directed to her or to the board in general.

It is very valuable that there is someone here on this board who picks up on these dynamics - I wouldn't have noticed it if Dittany hadn't pointed it out and it is not jsut shit stirring or aggressive to point it out - it is very valuable to analyse the way men and women interract with each other even on the internet. I'm sure Inde is big enough to cope and to think about any observations that are made to him.

HerBEggs · 18/04/2011 13:38

I'm too scared to do the googling porn experiment Grin

RitaLynn · 18/04/2011 13:39

Despite me doing these searches, I would be very interested in reading peer-reviewed literature on the content of pornography, and seeing the results, rather than our anecdotal claims. Does anyone know of such a study?

EggyFucker · 18/04/2011 13:41

Carmina, everything that you post about how you use porn and your worries about it's effect on wider society indicates to me that you are one step away from ceasing to use it

Why won't you make that final step ?

RitaLynn · 18/04/2011 13:42

The reason, in my humble opinion, is that it goes too far, is that it makes a statement about what men like to watch when they watch porn, without any evidence to support it

EggyFucker · 18/04/2011 13:44

Rita, the evidence about what porn-users watch is right there, in top 10 Google searches

So-called popular, mainstream, free sites like YouPorn are chocka with abusive images of women being degraded

Why can't you accept that evidence ?

RitaLynn · 18/04/2011 13:46

EggyFucker, because I did the same experiment and got different results, why won't you accept that?

I looked at the "most popular", and I agree, a lot of it isn't Mills and Boon, but most of the most viewed seems to be "hot chick bangs lucky dude", that sort of thing, rather than "slut chokes, etc"

RitaLynn · 18/04/2011 13:47

Other than our anecdotal evidence, does anyone know of any peer-reviewed literature on this?

HerBEggs · 18/04/2011 13:51

I wonder if the results would be different if you did the experiment at different times of the day, week, month etc.?

sethstarkaddersmackerel · 18/04/2011 13:53

ok, I just did Beachcomber's experiment of typing porn into google and clicking on the first site that came up. I didn't go any further than that because I didn't have to - there were videos coming up on the screen of women being hurt. One of the windows that opened was called '18 and abused', the one next to it was 'barely legal' with pictures of women with their hair in bunches. and a pic of a woman having an orifice (I didn't try to work out which one) stretched wide open.

this is hateful, hateful, stuff. sorry, but I can't buy into this myth of the 'good' porn user: if you only want to get off on consensual images of happy couples having nice sex you still have to face up to the fact that such things are being used to create a front for the enormous quantities of violent abusive videos that are out there.
Even if you personally do not get off on the violence you need to admit that by defending your right to the non-violent stuff you are enabling the violent stuff to happen. You are sacrificing the people who are harmed by the violent stuff to your desire for stimulation; even if not actively enjoying their suffering as some men are you are treating them as acceptable collateral damage.

sethstarkaddersmackerel · 18/04/2011 13:58

don't do it HerBex. Honestly, don't - I wish I hadn't.

I thought I was quite unshockable - I used to read a lot of erotic literature and have seen porn mags and the odd bit on tv in the past - but this is so, so different.
it was so violent. even where it was 'two hot chicks' it was basically one flinging the other one round and jamming stuff up her hard. it makes Knave from the 1990s look very sweet and romantic by comparison Confused

EggyFucker · 18/04/2011 13:59

ok, I googled "most viewed porn"

number one was the YouPorn site

on the first page couple of pages are some lovely titles to draw in the most discerning user...

(misogyny alert...look away now if you don't wish to see it)

"Think You're a model? Suck my cock first"

"Goth girl ass fucked"

"18th birthday...fucked on camera"

"Pussy right on the floor"

"Blonde K... gangbangs for Facials"

"Rough anal action"

And on number 2...

"Fucking Lolita"

"Virgin Ass"

OK, I've had enough. I think I made my point. < goes to wash hands repeatedly >

Carminaburana · 18/04/2011 14:00

EF - I will be honest. I like it.
I've never viewed violent porn and never would, the only porn I've used has ( as far as I know ) consenting adults in ( they aren't being held down or abused in any way - male free zone iykwim ) it's a difficult subject because a lot of porn is normal stuff and not likely to damage anyone. it's the disgustingly violent stuff that should go - and if by getting rid of that everything else had to go then fine - maybe it's easier to shut down the whole thing than spend ££££££ and god knows how much time shifting through it all.