So if all potential rapists just need the provocation of a woman....

[TruthSweet]

to be drunk/skimpily dressed/dancing suggestively to be able to rape them then why aren't strip clubs scenes of mass rape every time the women start dancing? How can potential rapists watch a woman gyrate naked a few inches in front of them and not rape them yet a young woman tipsily making her way home from the pub is a direct call to be raped?

Not that I believe that, of course, but some people seem to (following on from the drunk=rape in waiting) so why don't women in strip clubs, night clubs, etc get raped then and there on the dance floor/stage, why are they taken outside (ex. taken from the drunk thread) or attacked on the way home or in the toilets.

If the provocation is soooo great then surely the potential rapist can't wait and is over taken by lust (as if) and has to rape right then rather than waiting until a time/place where he is likely to be undisturbed?

Does that make any sense to anyone? It did last night during a feed but who knows what kind of crap trundles through my head at silly o'clock.

• I'm using potential rapist rather than man just in case there is any cries of what about the legions of female rapists/not all men are rapists you know/etc/etc

Don't ever wear a bikini on the beach because this will lead you to being molested.

CailinDana not all men do this. Though I can understand how you are feeling and give you big internet ((((hugs))).

I am very lucky to have a wonderful DH who would never hurt me. My life now is really great.

I have never told my DH the full detail of what happened to me. I can't do that to him it's too horrible.

I did tell one person. He listened and was sympathetic then later he raped me too. Hard to get my head around that one.

I know someone who had the same experience. I believe that rape and coercive sex is more prevalent than we think. I'm happy for you that you have a supportive partner, but why won't you talk to him about it?

Jesus christ cailin.

Just, fucking hell.

I am so glad that you have a great DH and a good life. There are so many decent men out there just these FUCKERS seem to manage to impinge on most females lives to a greater or lesser extent.

Have you had any counselling or anything? Do you feel you need to "do" anything or are you OK (as OK as you can be).

My DH knows i was abused as a child but not the extent of it. I can't say it to him. It's too much.

I have had counselling but it didn't go well. I would like to have more but i'm afraid.

I had counselling once and it was shit.

I find that others give it the thumbs up though.

I think it very much depends on who you get, whether you have a rapport with them.

It may be something to explore. You don't have to commit. I understand it must be terribly hard though.

I have never told DH much about stuff with me (although it's nowhere near as bad, at all). I think it would upset him too much and more to the point he wouldn't know what to say/do and that would be hard for him.

That's how i feel about telling DH sardine. Plus i find it hard to talk about without having full on flashback type freak outs which would scare him. I can't put those images in his mind it's not fair.

The counsellor i talked to about it said i was too trusting. So it was my fault then.

The rape as an adult wasn't so bad.

You need someone with experience in this area who will simply let you talk.

Maybe rape crisis or someone like that could recommend some people locally?

I would offer to listen but I'm not up to it, I'm so sorry.

I understand sardine.

A bit presumptious on my part that you would even want to!

It's just this feeling that we all have of all this hurt and harm and damage and wanting to help but just not knowing how, and wanting people to stop hurting.

I used to be angry on my behalf but now I am angry on the behalf of others and dreading the day I have to be angry for one of my DDs (assuming they tell me the day they get flashed when they are 13 or whatever it might be, praying that it is nothing too too bad, but knowing it will be something).

Maybe your DH could support you in thinking about looking into some counselling? If you talk to him and have support with that would take the pressure off you and would be the sort of thing he could "do something" ie help you and talk to you about it and how was the session and are you sure you like the person do you want to carry on etc iYSWIM

The threads on relationships have made me want to talk about it but it's daunting.

Your anger isn't wasted. Knowing others feel angry on my behalf is ...bolstering i suppose the word is.

I'm not quite at the anger stage yet. I just feel sad when i hear others' stories. I hope just listening helps.

I'm sad for anything you've had to go through.

I don't really want to get DH involved in this again.

I feel terribly sad. And angry.

If you were going to go for counselling DH would need to know, wouldn't he. I don't know, i feel with my DH, that's something he would be good with, but I wouldn't want to talk to him about actual stuff. Mind you, we are not married to the same man! (I hope!!!)

The We believe you campaign is for you. We believe you, and it wasn't your fault.

DH was hugely supportive when i talked about it before. I suppose i want to protect him from having to deal with it. Plus i want him to feel he has a normal wife.

:( Cailin. And a (((((((hug))))))) from me too. And thanks for your input yesterday, it must have been hard to even click on my thread, let alone try to help.

Thank you fruitdrop i appreciate it. I do find it hard to hear others' stories but only because i dread them ever feeling the way i have. It helps me a little to think i'm helping others.

You do as you see fit. Whatever you decide is by definition the right thing.

Don't be afraid to talk to DH though, he obviously loves you and would want to help I'm sure. Maybe one day in the future.

(((((hug)))) from me too

Thank you for the hug sardine, right back at you :)

I suppose part of what's holding me back is the fact that the last guy i opened up to raped me. I think maybe hearing those things makes me seem less of a person. I don't want my DH to see me like that

You had your trust broken and violated

And then it happened again

I don't blame you for feeling how you do. I think that is a very normal response to what has happened.

You don't need to tell your DH anything more than he already knows but he could still help you find a counsellor, if you wanted.

A poor parallel.

I have been troubled with anxiety and depression since my pregnancy with my first child. Apparently the pregnancy hormones probably brought it on.

Anyway. My DH supports me, and has supported me through it, and I am now getting better, am on ADs, have good days and bad days etc. But I have never told him the really bad thoughts that I have had, all the time. I couldn't do that, it would hurt him, he would want to help, there's nothing he can do, it's sort of mine. But I can let him hold my hand while I try to deal with it.

Maybe?

I am hugely fortunate (and that's how I feel right now, after a week of reading thread after thread, with response after response of brave women telling their stories of rape and sexual assault) that I am not a rape survivor.

I am in awe of you CD and SQ, and of everyone sharing here on MN despite the idiots.

You are all changing the way people see things, you are changing perceptions...this is a great thing indeed.

I get what you mean sardine totally.

I had buried the later rape until threads here brought it back. I mentioned it on a thread but I've never told anyone.

Thank you for your kind words Shirley.