The Unconditional Parent -- is this bollocks or for real?

[oregonianabroad]

I haven't read the whole thing yet, but am torn between thinking it is totally revolutionary, and then the next minute I think the guy is smoking crack and wouldn't last 2 minutes with my ds. (of course, he would have an answer for that, another of the things that turns me off about his argument).

It also seems clear that he evaluated all the books on the market and decided to write one with a radically different approach (a discipline book about how not to use rewards/ time outs??? how novel!).

SInce I bought the book on the basis of a few recommendations here, I am interested to hear what you lot think.

Anyone got an opinion????

I have ordered the book a couple of days ago, will be watching this thread with interest.

Hello RomyS,
Looking forward to hearing your reaction. WOuld love to hear from others who love/hate the book: it is certainly controversial and thought-provoking.

Haven't heard of the book tbh. Can you give an example of what you did and didn't like about it?

he basically says (if I have got this right) that rewarding and punishing (including the use of time-outs) is harmful to children because it gives them the idea that parental love is conditional on good behaviour; children would behave far better (and thus not need traditional methods of discipline) if they knew that parental love was unconditional.

I haven't read it but it seems to be exactly how I deal with my children naturally. I ceratinly have never really applied any rewards or punishments or time outs. Parents should follow their own instinct and nature and they generally get it right in their own way but I'm not sure it's usually wise to follow someone else's suggestions.

It all sounded very lovely but I gave up reading it less than half-way through because I found it demoralising

Xenia have you really never shouted at your kids? Or said 'right i am going to count to three...'

Xenia, are your children mild-mannered? calm?

genuine question -- I wonder if I have messed ds1 up irreparably now... But it now feels as though we are locked into this system: can't seem to get through a day without some form of time-out or a threat of removal of something he likes.

Also, he says praise is a reward??

Shitemum,
I feel the same. It is making an already difficult situation worse because now I am second guessing every move and feeling really inadequate.

I like this book. The praise as a reward thing is quite interesting. There's a good article on his website on this particular aspect, and his book "Punished By Rewards" is a real eye-opener.

How does this work,then?Surely children need SOME boundaries of behaviour.Christ,I must be worlds worst mum.

I'm cheating because I work full time so probably shouldn't be on a thread like this and yes I have sometimes lost my temper with them. I've never done I will count to three, though. There are 5 of them. They differ but they generally do what is expected of them. The youngest are 9 years old. I haven't read the book, however. If he says never a cross word is said then I'm not saying I was like that.

I think my parents didn't punish us, you see. My father's a pyschiatrist and my mother an infant teacher so I've probably just followed how they treated us with relative freedom and reason. I don't remember my mother ever saying if you don't do XYZ you will go to your room or be grounded or anything like that so it would feel alient to me.

yes could someone offer some examples please? wenia, franny how do you/have you dealt with your children? I'd love to find alternatives to 'i'm going to count to three (with a super stern voice)' during bedtime or time out if she refuses to tidy up. we use praise a lot in this house but it doesn't always work.

Interesting points PBabble. I also was lured in by the research quoted, but he could be misrepresenting the studies, or using research which has been discredited (and I don't have time to check into it too much).

Also, what exactly are his qualifications? can't find them anywhere....

sorry, xenia.

I think its a great book and I aspire to be as patient and understanding as Alfie! We don't use time out or reward charts, don't send DTs to their room or punish them particularly, but we do get cross at times, which makes the DTs realise they have gone too far and it is usually all resolved very quickly.

As an example, I have tried tidying up myself and explaining that it makes me cross if he doesn't help me (this after I have tried to make it a game, etc...). He still refuses to co-operate, or at worst un-does all my hard work. And this sends me batshit, especially after I have tried so hard to stay rational and patient.

And I work PT too, Xenia, but am on mat leave at the mo. I probably will have less energy to expend worrying baout my parenting methods when I am back at work in Jan.

I don't use reward charts either, but not praising???

Doesn't that seem counter-intuitive??

I think the not praising thing is more that you focus on the action not the behaviour e.g. oh you've drawn a house, what made you draw a house today? so you are interested in what they are doing rather than the way they have done it - its a while since I read it though so may be mistaken!

example re tidying up: I have told her she has to do it, like I do after we ate, like daddy does in the garden (say) or like the lady who comes to clean the house, like big cook little cook in cbeebies etc. she understands very well why she should do it (she's 2.4). however she doesn't always wants to do it, understandably. sometimes because she's busy doing somethign else, or tired or often just because she is challenging my authority, also very understandable. what do you do? explaining goes up to a point as the problem is not understanding but WANTING to do it.

I don't have a pat or easy method of discipline that i could describe in a few sentences I don't think

I also have in extremis used time out and counting to 3 and whatever. I just don't think they are good methods of discipline and they are not the ones I want to be using.

It's a great book and it isn't about having no boundaries.

Pippi if the behaviour is very understandable then does it deserve punishment? Do people learn best from being forced to do something against their will, or from being shown and encouraged with patience until they are ready to do it for themselves?

Good point, F&Z.

but it still makes me go nuts when I have tried everything in my power to be patient and he still throws his toys around, and assorted other negative-attention seeking behviour.