The Unconditional Parent -- is this bollocks or for real?

[oregonianabroad]

I haven't read the whole thing yet, but am torn between thinking it is totally revolutionary, and then the next minute I think the guy is smoking crack and wouldn't last 2 minutes with my ds. (of course, he would have an answer for that, another of the things that turns me off about his argument).

It also seems clear that he evaluated all the books on the market and decided to write one with a radically different approach (a discipline book about how not to use rewards/ time outs??? how novel!).

SInce I bought the book on the basis of a few recommendations here, I am interested to hear what you lot think.

I'm reading this thread with interest. My parents were pathological non-rewarders so my instinctive approach is to shower DS with praise and approval for the most trivial things ("Excellent breathing! Fantastic peristalsis!") which I am aware is possibly a little OTT. I am aware that I still have the most issues about the way I was parented (or mothered, mainly) and this colours everything I do with DS. For example, I said to my mother on the phone today that DS was hugely argumentative, and argues the toss with me about everything, and asked her if I had been the same. She said, "No, but I treated you all with contempt so you didn't bother to argue with me - it's because you don't treat him with contempt." And she honestly seems to imagine that this is helpful advice.

Bluestocking --this sounds exactly like the kind of helpful comment my dad has been making throughout his visit here...

I often wonder whether my obsesive reading of parenting books has anything to do with the fact that I still need therapy to sort out all my isshooes from childhood.

Maybe....

But then I read a lot of parenting books simply because (until I discovered mn) I didn't have anyone to turn to for advice.

My mum died before the DCs were born, my Dad was always working when I was a kid and my MIL doesn't give advice. I must be the only person on MN who would like more advice from MIL!

It might just be because you are looking for a different way from the one you experienced.

I've never read this book, so can't really discuss that! I would love to read it though.

Has anyone got the book and would be willing to lend it to me? I'll obviously pay postage!

If so,can you email me on
jopowell1 at yahoo dot co dot uk

Thanks

Sorry, Jofeb04, I've just lent my copy out. Hope you can find one soon. If not, you could try Amazon Marketplace, I got mine for less than a fiver.

I realise this thread is old but wanted to ask a question of those who have read the book

Why is praise bad?

bump

EldonAve, his argument is that praise, particularly when it's used to encourage the child to repeat that behaviour, is demonstrating 'conditional' love - i.e. I love you when you do X - the implication being that I won't love you when you don't.

Also, it's about extrinsic vs. intrinsic motivation. Ie. why do you want your child to be nice? To get praise? Or because it's nice to be nice? I explain it very badly...why not read the book?

So descriptive praise is out?

Are you just supposed to hope they feel like repeating the good stuff?

Also - that he thinks that praise can lead to a child being motivated to do things to get approval from others (parents) rahter than instrinsic motivation from doing something well for themselves. And this can lead to greater risks from e.g. peer pressure, where they no longer look to parents for that approval.

HTH!

here

Lindenlass - I think it sounds like bollocks dubious so I don't want to waste my money

Sorry, X threads!

He recommends focused attention - so observational / descriptive comments that show you are really interested in what they are doing, rather than telling them they are doing it 'well' - which you can do without paying any attention at all.

So descriptive praise is close, but he would say to drop the praise bit and just describe.

Why not start a new thread about this? It's a great subject!

oh ok, EldonAve. Fair enough. My children are lush though, and they're unconditinally parented (if you want to label it ). Why not be a bit more open-minded?

unconditionally, sorry!

Thanks for the link

I found this book really interesting and it really made me think about my parenting more.... I don't want my DD to do everything for praise, I want her to do things because she enjoys doing them and not because she thinks its what I want. Better than alot of the crap parenting books out there.

I found the book very interesting and is the closest I have found to the ideas that I have

Will now read the thread

Earlier in the thread Xenia said
"I said above and I repeat, do what you think is best. Follow your instinct.What is written about what he's said seems to be how my parents brought us up and I have brought up my children but I would never bring up a child by something written in a book or what anyone else told me. It would feel silly. If this doesn't seem right for you then don't do it."

No praise doesn't seem right to me so I don't think I will benefit from reading the book

My parents didn't do rewards/praise/punishment
I don't do rewards or punishment but we do do descriptive praise

Reading this with interest. I actually read UP and it made me feel like I am not alone. Is how I tend to do things too.