Morbidly obese but can't stick to diet.

[LEIGH350]

I weigh 25 stone and am almost 60. I have been trying to diet 40 yrs. Sometimes I have lost a stone or two, then I give up, eat normally again, and regain.

It's obvious that I have a slow metabolism but I think that just means I should eat even less and less until I find an intake that causes weight loss.

Despite being pretty much under attack from society 24/7/365, I still don't seem to be able to make myself stick to any diet. It's like there are two of me: the dieter and the rebel, and the rebel always wins.

I am currently supposed to be on Atkins. I keep to it at every meal, but then, whenever I have the impulse to cheat, I pop out (my street has shops) and grab a family sized bag of crisps, a giant bar of chocolate, or a litre of ice cream.

Afterwards I hate myself, feel a failure, sob in bed at night and make plans to re-start tomorrow and be REALLY good, no cheats THIS TIME. All night every night I play MP3s - hypnosis to make you stick to your diet, or hypnotic gastric band. But the next day I cheat.

When I was calorie counting and logging on MFP I allowed myself a treat size chocolate bar every day. I bought a bag of 12 with the intention of having one a day, the whole lot was eaten in 2 hours, so now I never keep treats in the house.

Why do I cheat? I honestly don't know, even after all these years. In the last ten years I have had three lots of eating disorder counselling, lasting about a year each time, trying to get to the bottom of it. None of this has worked.

I resent being told that I must eat only for fuel, whilst everyone around me is using food for pleasure and entertainment ("hey - let's go for a pizza!" and "break open the bubbly!" "ooh, cream cakes - yum!") Friends recount how they enjoyed the eat-all-you-like buffet they had on holiday or at a local Indian (things I never do) then tell me I have to stop overeating. I seethe when I look into the windows of pubs, cafes, restaurants, and see slim people scoffing cakes, pizzas, hot chocolate, muffins, McD's, fry-up breakfasts; I am cross when I see them buying cakes in Gregg's and eating chips in the street, because if I did that I am labelled "naughty" or told I have an eating disorder.

It's taken me ages to realise that it's not what I eat that is the problem. From observing close up the eating habits of my flatmates and friends who come to stay, I don't eat more than the average person. It's the effect it has on my body: clearly, I am still eating too many treats for my particular slow metabolism.

My GP says "lose weight or die young". I've had the same from everyone in my life for the past 30 years and some of them are getting really pissed off with me because they don't think I am taking their advice.

All my stats like BP, cholesterol, etc are good and I am not diabetic. I take no medication. Ironically, many of the slim people who issue these dire warnings to me about my health are themselves on insulin, statins, BP pills, etc, and some who used years ago to warn me about how I was cutting my life short by being overweight have since died of various illnesses, at ages younger than I am now.

GP has made an appt for me to begin the long series of meetings and consultations that lead to a gastric bypass. First appt is in a week.

I have read about this and it is a barbaric mutilation. I have read about several women who died of starvation afterwards. I don't have any digestive issues. Having a bypass causes chronic problems for the rest of life (reflux, vomiting, diarrhoea, constipation, indigestion, malnutrition). Even if I came out of surgery OK, the thought of never being able to eat a proper meal again for the rest of my life (bypass is irreversible) makes me feel I would rather die young but enjoy my food.

My basic diet is healthy, currently two big bowls of salad a day with mayonnaise and some kind of meat or fish or seafood on top. No sugar, and no wheat. I am also teetotal and I never touch fizzy drinks or sweeteners. But then I ruin it all by having "impulse treats": either sugary (ice cream), wheaty (cake or chocolate biscuits), or a family bag of crisps. I do not keep any of these things in the house - ever. I HAVE to go out and buy them.

Each day I get up with the intention to just have the healthy meals and not to give in to the cheating impulse. Probably 4 days out of 7 I fail.

After 40 years I still cannot work out why I am self-sabotaging my every effort to diet. Especially as I now cannot walk more than 50 metres, get upstairs, and my world has become extremely restricted as I cannot fit into cinema, plane seats etc. Predictably, I am still single. (Yes there are specialist dating sites for men who like obese women but they are fetishists who would sabotage a woman's attempts at dieting.)

I am literally making myself disabled, and un-dateable and I don't know why.

I want to live a normal life, get about and have holidays and a great love life, and yet why oh why isn't even all that proving to be an incentive to stop cheating? I want to live again, but it's like I am not prepared to pay the price of constant deprivation.

I am not sure if this is far too complex an issue for a dieting board made up of people who are just a little bit podgy from baby-weight, but I post in the hope that there is someone else out there who feels the same or is in the same position or has some advice on how to escape from this self-imposed prison.

Words like "cheat", "fail", "falling off the wagon" - these are all BULLSHIT. You haven't failed anything. These diets have FAILED YOU because they're the wrong thing for you. Morally-loaded terms are not going to help you. There's nothing immoral about having a cake. You've not fallen off anything. You have chosen to eat a cake because of things you can't control and that's not your fault. But you can choose not to eat the cake, and then not to eat the next cake, and then not to eat the next cake. None of these are falling off a wagon, or cheating. They're individual choices and there's no reason they have to affect the next choice you make. You need to find a way to make these choices a bit earlier.

Easier, not earlier!

ICED ~ what would you suggest I be eating, then?

Unlockable. It's true that I like to be busy. I do get bored very quickly if I have nothing to do.

But sometimes I just sit and watch something on TV and don't feel the need to have anything more than a cup of (sugarfree) tea. I lie in bed sometimes just thinking, planning my day or whatever, and that doesn't make me want to binge.

Are you the op leigh?

I'm not going to suggest anything because it has to be something you choose and what you decide is going to be your new normal. Sticking to someone else's rules is hard, because they're rules that you have to stick to, otherwise you've "failed". It feels like deprivation because it is - it's someone else's choice of what they think you should eat.

I hope I don't sound harsh. I'm not good at tone. I really feel for you and I'm sorry you've been fed (ahem) all this "diet" bullshit.

OP it is very brave of you to post. Assuming you are genuine I would say go for the gastric surgery while it is still available on the nhs. You need help.

You can't do this on your own but with help you will get to be a healthy weight and then you be able to be more active. Groups help. Good luck.

Incidentally your ideal breakfasts were interesting because to me they sounded truly horrible. I'm not saying that to do you down but to try and make the point that your idea of food perfection isn't everyone's idea of food perfection because it is too much.

Leigh so going from your own example you can have a fried breakfast in the morning minus the toasts.
You can make your own pizza at home with a thin base of chickpea/almond/coconut flour and plenty of vegs and cheese for lunch and have a small doughnut with double cream.
For dinner you can make your own fish and chips with sweet potatoes chips and tempura coating for the fish etc.
You can make your own version of indian dishes serve with wild/brown rice. And have a small ice cream or chocolate bar or whatever you fancy.
You can snack plenty on eggs, fruits, cheese etc.
After a few months of eating like this, you probably will reduce the amount you are eating.

At the moment, just focus on getting good eating habits into you instead of focusing on the weight.

I'm sorry but I think that even after all this time, you are lying to yourself. You say its a slow metabolism etc
It's taken me ages to realise that it's not what I eat that is the problem. From observing close up the eating habits of my flatmates and friends who come to stay, I don't eat more than the average person

You do though. You go on to talk about cheating on your diet with litres of ice cream, chocolate large bags of crisps, and this is more days than not. It IS what you eat that is the problem and you DO eat more than people who are not morbidly obese.
Until you accept that you are not going on get on top of this. You feel like dieting is unfair to you, because you think you eat the same as thin people so you shouldn't have to do it. This just isn't true.

You need to go back to basics and accept the reality. Best of luck.

I identify with a lot of what you say. I also have the ability to go on automatic pilot, find myself in greens buying a bacon roll or a cake... it's like I go into a trance.
I've found Gillian Riley books very helpful. She would say that you should stop the focus on weight loss and consider the health aspects more. She makes the point that we are all free to eat whatever we want whenever we want, that we choose to live with the consequences of that. 'Eating Less' might be a good one to start with.

My own eating issues may stem from my brother being very ill as a child and subsequently super fussy. He would eat about five things at one point. So much attention was focused on him and I think I wanted to show my family I was a good eater. I'm now obese.

Purple ~ yes I am the OP. I found a way to choose a name instead of being just a number!

Blue skies I know what you mean ~ that one can cook low carb versions of "regular" foods. Funnily enough a fry up is allowed on Atkins but I never have one. I don't actually eat breakfast foods of any kind, as I only have two meals a day, brunch and dinner and they are the same: veg and protein.

Funny ~ I think my "dream diet" is a fantasy rebound from all the current restrictions. I doubt if I would last a week as I would feel horribly bloated and sluggish, and craving salad!

I don't really know what to do next. Mr Ocado just brought my fortnight's food of salad and meats and fish, so I guess I am on that for the next two weeks.

If I cheat in the next two weeks I will swap to low calorie.

I understand what you mean Iced Vanilla but I have to be on SOME kind of a diet or I will gain literally stones. At least ATM my weight is stable.

Leigh you must surely know that just fish, meat and salad isn't sustainable and that's what pushes you to binge.

I didn't necessarily mean low carb. I just meant home cooked, wholesome, filling food which won't leave any space in you to binge as you won't be deprived, will fill satisty and you will be emotionally happy knowing that you are nurturing your body instead of doing what you are doing.
sorry if I caused any offence Leigh

feel and satisfied fiddly fingers and all that

Dorothy ~ yes, you describe it well ... going into a trance. Then you come out, see what you did and are filled with self-loathing. Then people like Arse come along and encourage the self loathing.

Arse ~ I have lived all my adult life in shared accommodation and have seen what people eat, day by day, over weeks and months and in some cases years. It is silly to imply that everyone who is a normal weight is constantly vigilant and lives on a restricted diet, when I see with my own eyes over decades that this is not true. Far from "lying to myself" I am extremely honest with myself and with everyone.

If I cheat in the next two weeks

You've already mentally accepted that you're going to be bingeing over the next fortnight. So you'll do it.

There's no "cheating" when it comes to food, other than the random rules you impose upon yourself. It's simply about what you choose to eat, and choose not to eat.

At the moment you have an unhealthy diet because you regularly choose to eat unhealthy foods. You don't have a healthy diet with "blips."

You need to make the decision, now, to eat healthily for life. No "cheating", no "treats", no diets, no "low calorie", no excuses, no talk of slow metabolism.

Take control, be in charge of your body, and put healthy food in it every day, starting from now.

I used to be 21 and a half stone. I was only in my thirties. I felt like a drunk and believed everyone was laughing at me when I left the house.
I started doing slimming world and lost almost 8 and a half stone in a year. I then felt happy and slim and could clothes shop wherever I wanted.
My circumstances changed and over a few years I gained 4 stone ( including having a baby so having baby weight).
I'm now back on slimming world and I treat it differently this time. Every evening I have crisps and chocolate and still manage to lose weight. Yes it's taking longer but I'm enjoying 'naughty food'.
I wish you all the luck in the world and hope that you can fight your demons. Believe in yourself.

Blue grey: No offence taken.

"just fish, meat and salad isn't sustainable and that's what pushes you to binge."

Was meat and veg not the diet of humans for millions of years (with a bit of fruit, only in some climates and only when in season)?

"I just meant home cooked, wholesome, filling food"

The diet I am trying to keep to is all those things: home cooked, wholesome and filling. I am honestly not sure if adding sugar and starchy carbs to this is really going to have the desired result.

It is silly to imply that everyone who is a normal weight is constantly vigilant and lives on a restricted diet

That's because they're not viewing themselves as "restricted" or being "vigilant", because eating a healthy and balanced diet is normal to (most of) them.

I don't view myself as restricted because I would never, for example, eat a doughnut. I just don't want to eat a doughnut so it wouldn't occur to me to eat one.

It's not like I'm constantly resisting doughnuts. It's just something that it wouldn't cross my mind to do. I'd as much walk into Greggs and buy a doughnut as I'd walk into Topman and buy boxers, or walk into B&Q and buy a hammer. It just wouldn't occur to me to do it. Does that make sense?

I think you need to accept that eating healthily, every day, doesn't mean dieting or deprivation, it's just adopting a different mindset towards food - which I realise might be very, very hard.

Reindeer ~ I had really high hopes for SW after joining it and seeing all the fabulous losses. I am totally gutted that it did not work for me. Congratulations for finding something that works for you.

Running ~ "You've already mentally accepted that you're going to be bingeing over the next fortnight. So you'll do it."

Why are you writing this nonsense? I have ordered and received two weeks' worth of my proper diet food, not a single cheat food in the delivery, and yet you see that as worthy of criticism?

I too can't diet and keep the weight off. I was slim as a child/teen/young adult until I had my first child, I could eat what I wanted and never put on weight. That all changed.

I've tried Slimming World, Atkins, general low carb, mfp, Rosemary Conley, Weight watchers ... I lose a stone or two, but can't carry on eating like that all my life when everything is aimed at people enjoying food and so put the weight back on and more.

I have the best intentions every morning, but then it's as if something takes over my body and mind and I just don't care anymore. Afterwards begins the self loathing ...

I believe food .. in particular carbs and/or sugar are addictive. I don't know the answer, but will watch the thread closely for tips.

OP you sound like a funny, interesting person who is a valuable addition to society. Can you come to terms with being overweight? We all have our vices, you seem to beat yourself up a lot about yours, and I guess are doubly penalised because it's very visible to a fat-ist society. Why ruin your life worrying about it? The main thing I would dislike in your situation is the lack of mobility. I'm not an expert but perhaps find ways that you can walk further without straining your joints too much - maybe do weight training to help your muscles support your weight a bit more.

I've had similar issues, but with alcohol rather than food. I too have felt sorry for myself when seeing other people enjoying just one glass of wine and felt deprived because I can't do that. I can drink no wine at all however.

It's harder with food, because you do still have to eat it. But I I think your main problem is that you don't really want to stop bingeing. You want to be able to carry on doing it, but without the consequences. That's why you don't want a bypass. I've never believed that alcoholism is a disease. I think it's a combination of lack of wanting to stop, lack of effort in terms of will power, and self loathing causing a blip to turn into a binge.

I don't think you will have any success until you actually want to be thin more than you want the food.

I don't agree that avoiding sugar will cause a binge. Eating a little sugar causes the binge as my glass of wine leads to a bottle. I find I have to not drink for 3 weeks before it becomes easier. Though even in that 3 weeks there are easy days. Rather than tell yourself it's no chocolate for ever, try no chocolate (and the rest!) for 3 weeks. Then keep going.