I have got so fat I can't wipe my own arse

[Didthistomyself]

Not a poo troll. I wish I was making this up. Regular; name changed because I am so ashamed of myself.

Always been big, always eaten way too much but always had a good shape and been fairly active. Last few years been less active due to change in job and a surgical procedure I need. Now almost entirely sedentary.

I knew the weight was piling on. I knew I was too big to sit comfortably in a cinema seat without slotting myself in sideways. I knew I was too big for anyone to sit next to me on the train unless they literally had no other option. I knew I was too big to walk more than a few metres in a skirt without shredding my thighs until they bleed. I knew I was too big to go anywhere that I didn't know I'd be able to sit down and give my poor back a rest. I knew I was too big to wear anything but vast leggings and tent-like smocks. I knew I was too big to sit on an unfamiliar chair for fear it broke. I knew I was the reason our bed broke. I knew my constant acid reflux and diarrhoea were down to my diet.

And the worst of all: I knew I was too fat to conceive.

I knew that was the problem. I knew that's why I wasn't getting pregnant. I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, and yet I ignored all of these things until I realised two weeks ago that I wasn't using the disabled toilet because I wanted more space for my bag and coat and it was cleaner; I was using it because only in there could I reliably spread wide enough and lean forward far enough to wipe myself properly. Like one of those people you see on TV who has to be washed in bed. Who have to have the wall taken down to get out of their house. That's where I was going.

Went to the GP and cried. They weighed me and I cried harder: 22st 13lb. And I'm short. I'm really short. Never mind over 30; my BMI is over 55 :(

I don't know how I have got here and how I will get back. It just seems like an impossible mountain to climb. There's so much to go.

My GP recommended a VLCD and cognitive behavioural therapy. Said it would get the weight off fast until I could have my surgery and then I might be motivated to carry on. Maybe I might be able to have a baby. I am lucky because at my health centre they have a dedicated obesity clinic. They are monitoring me closely.

Started a week ago. Weighed today: lost a stone. Miles to go, and I know that it will usually be more like 3lb, but it's something. It's a start. And today I went for a walk. Just a mile. It took me 40 minutes :(

I don't even miss food. What I miss is feeling like a normal person. What I miss is my husband talking about having children. What I miss is feeling like everyone doesn't stare at me when I walk down the street. What I miss is not thinking I am going to die before I'm 40.

Thanks to anyone who has read this. Just needed to confess to someone how bad it has got.

^^ other posters. Well done for retaking control over yourself and making the start to change.
How about you change your username to 'Doingthisformyself' ! Don't do guilt, no self blaming, just positive thoughts for the future.

Losing a stone is an amazing feat! It's taken me 10 months to do that. Well done! it's hard but don't give up.
It's your mental steeliness that will get you there. everyti,e You want to give up, remember not being able to walk without puffing, not being able to walk to do a quick run. Keep pressing on and lets know how you're getting on.

didthis what a courageous and eloquent post. And well done for doing this - you have been really brave to face up to this.

I did a vlcd and it really helped. It got rid of a lump of weight and then I could think about maintenance from a good place rather than from the bottom of the mountain iykwim.

Stay on here. Let us know how are you doing but most importantly come on here when you need help, when you need motivation and need people to 'talk you down'.

Lots of people recognise how you are feeling.

I agree that you write really well. Perhaps you could blog about the process you are about to embark, with all the milestones. Maybe it could be a motivational thing?

That's an amazing start- really amazing! Now stop beating yourself up and keep going. Consider the self loathing you feel as a useful tool to motivate yourself, but you really are wonderful!

Yes definitely start a blog please. If you get lots of followers (there are hundreds of us for a start ) then it will really motivate you to keep going.

Well done! That's an incredible loss.

I started a pretty much identical thread this morning. I'm in exactly the same boat, exactly. Except you now weigh a stone less than me.

Thats fucking brilliant! You weigh a stone less that you did last week. You walked a mile. You went and asked for help. All in a week.

Imagine where you'll be in two weeks, a month, a year!

I just wanted to share my husbands story. When I got pregnant with our first child he said that he knew he needed to do something about his weight. He had been fat all his life but knew over the years it was getting worse. The idea of having a baby had made him realise he needed to sort it. He hadn't weighed himself for years, hadn't had the courage. Got on the scales and he was 33stone. Even at 6ft 2 that was a BMI of 60 odd. The day I got my positive pregnancy test was his 26tg birthday.

Five years on, he weights 14 stone. He's positively skinny. It wasn't always easy but it wasn't the worst thing in the world either. And he did it all on his own, so with the support of your GP you will find if even easier. He read books on nutrition, limited his calories to 1500 a day and started running. At first it was just walking for half a mile, slowly, but now he properly runs 5 miles a day.

He had been fat all his life. He thought he would be fat forever. Everyone did. That was just who he was. If he can do it, anyone can.

Good luck. You can do it.

Your post is very honest and moving. I think you've taken the hardest step, facing up to it all and starting to make a change.

You can do this. It won't be easy, but you can do it.

You have taken the first step - you CAN do this!

And I recommend the 5:2 diet by the way as it helped me to shift 3 stone a while back. I can manage to wait until tomorrow for a tasty treat, whereas waiting for months is so much more daunting.

You've done the hardest bit already - you've admitted to yourself that you want/need to change and you've done something about it. Losing a stone is a fantastic start.

Don't worry too much about how long it took you to walk a mile. You've set the benchmark now - next time it'll be a bit quicker and before you know it you'll be running about the place with no problem at all. When was the last time you walked that far? I suspect it was a while ago. If that's the case, then the fact that you've done it now is a huge step forward.

I wish you all the very best, your post really touched me and I hope you get the weight off and everything that will come with that.

Oh gosh - now I'm blubbing, reading all your lovely replies!!

Thank you so much. It really does help to feel that I am not alone. I am especially grateful to those sharing stories of their own weight loss, or that of their loved ones. It gives me hope that it can be done.

I can't quite pinpoint when I tipped over from 'fat but I can still buy clothes and join in activities easily' to 'fat like that episode of the Simpsons where Homer gets as big as possible' but I shall certainly be able to pinpoint when I tip back! It will indeed be lovely to buy a nice outfit again. It will also be nice to feel I can go and get a pedicure or an eyebrow wax without worrying if I'll break their chairs.

Some questions: a VLCD is a meal-replacement programme, a Very Low Calorie Diet. My GP says it's not for everyone but if there are stones and stones to lose it can be very helpful. I see that there is a thread on here about them - I have always thought they would be too hard/drastic but actually so far it is quite freeing.

And you are right - I shall endeavour to be proud of my stone and my mile instead of thinking how much more there is to go :) It's better than it was before I went to the GP, anyway!

I will keep posting here if that's all right. I'd like to let you know how I get on.

Its fantastic to read you turning your life around - a stone lost in a week - fantastic! Of course that will slow a little soon, but its still coming off! And walking a mile - even better! You're helping your body on its way!

You've also motivated me to go for a walk in my lunch break today - I am big, in the 'fat but can still buy clothes and join in' bracket - am in the process of trying to turn myself around too

A stone in a week!
Bloody well done!
I think sometimes getting on those scales and admitting you are scared and upset is the hardest bit.
It sounds like you will get lots of support and help...take it.
Good luck x

You sound amazing, congrats on your stone and keep going

What a very brave woman you are, to come on here and tell us about yourself.
You have made a brilliant start, lots of good luck for the future.

Wishing you every success, you have reached a point and it seems you have taken a very definite decision to get healthy, things can only get better from now on.

Good luck

The hardest part, as with most self care issues, is admitting that you need to do something. You have started out well, and your GP being supportive and getting you into the obesity clinic so fast is a brilliant stroke of luck! Well done on the first week!

You write so movingly and I can absolutely sympathise with how something like this can creep up on you.

Good luck losing weight, it sounds like your quality of life will improve massively over the coming months. However, please remember that you are a good, kind, complete person right now, as you are today. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Just wanted to say I also found your post really moving, and that your doing great already. It sounds like you've got a great attitude, and I'm excited or your future for you.
Just wanted to wish you all the best really

Well done you

I would love to hear how you are doing. Please keep posting

You could write a blog on this too - your writing style is very engaging and people would enjoy following your progress.

You are me 5 months ago! I was 20st, now 16 stone 10. I'm going the whole hog aiming for 10 stone and I started on 17th jan 2015

You're doing great but as I'm so similar and I really feel I've cracked it... Here's what is FINALLY giving me an excellent relationship with food as well as slaying the excess.

Firstly, have a think about what foods you love and enjoy and want to eat regularly. This is important - don't go on a set diet with meal replacements or shakes or anything. You need to learn what portions to work with when it comes to maintenance. When you are eating how you want to eat and it covers what your body needs, you're not looking for an end point, and it's a lot harder to 'fall off' because you're already incorporating what YOU want and like

Then consider putting them together in high protein, low GI meals. This keeps you fuller for longer and will help curb the appetite

Find these items in frozen versions, and get a big freezer if you don't have one. EG mine is stocked with frozen portioned chicken, lamb, beef, sliced peppers, onions, mushrooms, spinach, garden veg, peas and some frozen herbs and garlic.

The reason for the frozen items is it's very near as good as fresh, easy to keep to hand, won't go off and you'll always have something to just throw in a covered pan and forget for 30 mins or so - bingo, dinner.

Also keep a stock of 0% greek yogurt for a great protein hit snack that again tends to keep well for ages in the fridge. (put it with anything you like, from PB2 (peanut flour) to fruits, sweetener, cocoa powder, anything - experiment and see what you like)

Get a bunch of spices in if you haven't already - adding flavour and depth with almost no calories, allows you to change things up a bit and keep it interesting

Keep jars of whole-grains, like brown rice and pearl barley

Look for one pan or easy recipes, or browse the reddit forums /r/loseit and /r/1200isplenty when you are feeling full, for new ideas and meals (these are my fave places)

Be flexible with calories. Some days I'm full on 1000, some days I need 1500/1600. It's fine to vary and go with the less hungry days to bank some for extra at the weekend or a hungry day or snack attack

Use myfitnesspal to track and add inspiring friends with long streaks of logging in

Persist through any plateau - it will happen, bodies are weird. The weight will drop again if you stick at it

weight loss will slow to 1 to 2lb a week - this is still a lot. Chip away at it bit by bit. it's not a problem when you're eating the things you like and feeling full - and yes it takes time, but the time will pass anyway right?

Get and use a food scale, learn the portions, be as accurate as you can

Don't be afraid of fat - it's satiating and good for you in the right doses

Low carb things are useful for keeping cals down or for an emergency low cal meal if you accidentally go over, but on the whole I'm convinced whole grains especially with my main evening meal keep everything in check nicely

I was stuck in a miserable cycle of healthy stuff in the fridge getting ignored but I've cooked for myself for 115 nights in a row now. You get much more bang for your calorie buck when you cook for yourself

The CBT thing sounds good as well and I hope that help. Keep up the great work!

Good luck!

Well done. Keep on going, you can do it! X