I have got so fat I can't wipe my own arse

[Didthistomyself]

Not a poo troll. I wish I was making this up. Regular; name changed because I am so ashamed of myself.

Always been big, always eaten way too much but always had a good shape and been fairly active. Last few years been less active due to change in job and a surgical procedure I need. Now almost entirely sedentary.

I knew the weight was piling on. I knew I was too big to sit comfortably in a cinema seat without slotting myself in sideways. I knew I was too big for anyone to sit next to me on the train unless they literally had no other option. I knew I was too big to walk more than a few metres in a skirt without shredding my thighs until they bleed. I knew I was too big to go anywhere that I didn't know I'd be able to sit down and give my poor back a rest. I knew I was too big to wear anything but vast leggings and tent-like smocks. I knew I was too big to sit on an unfamiliar chair for fear it broke. I knew I was the reason our bed broke. I knew my constant acid reflux and diarrhoea were down to my diet.

And the worst of all: I knew I was too fat to conceive.

I knew that was the problem. I knew that's why I wasn't getting pregnant. I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, and yet I ignored all of these things until I realised two weeks ago that I wasn't using the disabled toilet because I wanted more space for my bag and coat and it was cleaner; I was using it because only in there could I reliably spread wide enough and lean forward far enough to wipe myself properly. Like one of those people you see on TV who has to be washed in bed. Who have to have the wall taken down to get out of their house. That's where I was going.

Went to the GP and cried. They weighed me and I cried harder: 22st 13lb. And I'm short. I'm really short. Never mind over 30; my BMI is over 55 :(

I don't know how I have got here and how I will get back. It just seems like an impossible mountain to climb. There's so much to go.

My GP recommended a VLCD and cognitive behavioural therapy. Said it would get the weight off fast until I could have my surgery and then I might be motivated to carry on. Maybe I might be able to have a baby. I am lucky because at my health centre they have a dedicated obesity clinic. They are monitoring me closely.

Started a week ago. Weighed today: lost a stone. Miles to go, and I know that it will usually be more like 3lb, but it's something. It's a start. And today I went for a walk. Just a mile. It took me 40 minutes :(

I don't even miss food. What I miss is feeling like a normal person. What I miss is my husband talking about having children. What I miss is feeling like everyone doesn't stare at me when I walk down the street. What I miss is not thinking I am going to die before I'm 40.

Thanks to anyone who has read this. Just needed to confess to someone how bad it has got.

[gotothegymtomorrow]

Well done to you for losing a stone, that's amazing! I found your post very moving and can associate with it, it is easy to turn a blind eye and ignore things. I have been putting weight on recently and after 2 children have gone from being slim to overweight and increasingly unhappy. I am desperate to do something about it too.
You sound determined and inspiring and I hope that you get to a weight you are happy with.

[Purpleball]

Take photos before you go any further, forward, side and sitting down. Also take your measurements. Repeat these every 4 weeks. A blog is a great idea too. The photos and measurements will help you realise how far you've come at times when you're finding it hard.

If you get fed up of VLCD then move to something else straight away otherwise you can be facing a regain. Take it from one who knows. Even a weightwatchers or slimming world class would have given me the discipline to keep going

[Didthistomyself]

Hi all,

I'm home now and can't stop reading and re-reading all your comments. I am overwhelmed, really; I didn't think anyone would be so nice. What a nice nest of vipers you all are

I did take some pictures last week - or rather DH took them. So I hope that in 4 weeks I can see a difference.

SO many replies, please don't think me rude for not replying individually. To answer a couple of questions, Mermaid yes I have a DH and he is incredibly supportive. He is also a little bit overweight so he has decided he won't have tempting foods in the house. That make it much easier for me. He loves me how I am but he has now told me how he fears I will have a heart attack and leave him alone, which of course broke my heart and I also know he really wants children, as do I, so that is a big motivation for me.

Bernard, your post really struck a chord with me because like you I am an intelligent person who works hard. I find it easy to stay in control of other areas of my life. Diet tips, healthy-eating knowledge etc don't help me at all because it doesn't seem to be about what I know. I imagine that those with restrictive eating disorders know on an intellectual level that not eating will kill them, just as I know that overeating will kill me. I haven't started the CBT yet but am really looking forward to it as I don't actually think all this is really about food at all.

I don't know about starting a blog!! But I would like to keep posting on here. And I am now saying to myself, 'Great, I did 40 mins of exercise today!'

[Branleuse]

Youve made a start!! Thats the hardest bit!

It wont be a quick journey, but youll do it. And youll feel great again x

[Stealthpolarbear]

well done op.
a week ago you were the heaviest you'll ever be again. the scales will never pass 22 again.
onwards and downwards :) you may feel you have a lot to lose but every pound you lose is improving your health.you CAN do it.

[Dowser]

Here's a pic of 10. Lbs of fat

www.google.co.uk/search?q=what+does+a+stone+of+fat+look+like&client=safari&hl=en-gb&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ei=XtVQVcqeL4nb7AaAwoDIAw&ved=0CAgQ_AUoAQ&biw=768&bih=928#imgrc=biBJ4y9Z933-5M%253A%3BsQqb9KTF3MlT8M%3Bhttp%253A%252F%252F1.bp.blogspot.com%252F-u_bmTbkxZB4%252FUQF2M-3hTSI%252FAAAAAAAAFyE%252FHy3zKzBY6nQ%252Fs1600%252F10-lbs-of-fat.jpg%3Bhttp%253A%252F%252Fwww.sacerdotus.com%252F2014_01_02_archive.html%3B403%3B279

And you lost 4 lbs more than this.

That is an amazing achievement . Well done.

[ggirl]

Wow , Im so impressed with your honesty and how you're going for it.
Lucky you having a supportive surgery and GP.
I have worked with patients who have gone down the surgery route after losing the weight first to get the surgery , and it is so amazing to see how their lives change .

Well done and good luck xx

[ArcheryAnnie]

I just want to come in here and say bloody well done for such a good start. It is hard, and there will be ups and downs, but you really do sound like you have taken control and are going in the right direction.

Having a reason to lose weight really helps. Mine is that I am likely to be made redundant quite soon, so will have to go out on the job market - and people do make assumptions about you if you are big, so I'm losing what I can before it gets to any interview point - I'm only half a stone down, but at least I too am going in the right direction. It sounds like the desire to conceive is what will get you sticking with this.

Good luck OP.

[retrocutie]

I don't know if this will help, but I had a friend who was in your situation. She was 20-odd stone. When people say someone is "as wide as they are tall" she very nearly was. In pictures, she was a big round ball. And only about 5'4".

That was a year ago.

She made the decision to "cut out carbs and walk on the treadmill for 30 mins a day". She couldn't run, she could only walk. She didn't want to give up alcohol, so she didn't. All she did was cut out carbs and do this walking. No white potatoes, no bread, no pasta, no cakes, no biscuits, no yorkshire puddings, etc.

She is now a size 14, healthy and looks fab. No carbs + 30 mins walking a day. It took a year.

[Bobian123]

Amazing positive steps you're taking OP. Wishing you lots of luck on your journey. I agree the counselling should be really helpful. My mum used to be a weight counsellour and it can be so effective to get to the root of the problem and change your thought patterns.
You're doing brilliantly

[WestEast]

I think you're very brave.

Be kind to yourself x

[Shodan]

You're incredible.

A stone in a week.

And the courage to face up to the demon in your life and beat it down.

You can't get more amazing than that-except, I believe you will. In fact, I'd be willing to bet on it.

A million best wishes to you.

[cherryblossomtime]

Keep going didthis I think its great to get all the tempting food out of the house and stick to your meal replacements for now. This way you dont have to think about what you can and can't eat. My tip is not to look at cookery books or watch cooking shows on TV. They can make you hungry.

[cookiefiend]

I am so impressed by you. I have not read all the posts, so not sure if anyone has said it already, but in a year from today you will be glad you started today. Someone wise posted this here once and I think it is brilliant. I need to motivate myself too and am going to follow you for inspiration!

Well done- you have started.

[HeinousPieTrap]

you sound such a lovely person! I agree with everyone who has said you should write a blog, you have a real talent for writing. If no one read it, it would be a diary for you to look back on and see what has gone right, what has not worked and what direction to go in next. But I think you have at least 30 followers here already!

I don't have the weight loss experience, but I do long distance running and I think endurance sports need something of the same mentality... you can't spend your time saying I need to run x miles - or lose x stone - in total, because it seems too much and sets you up for failure. You have to give yourself small manageable challenges and be proud of what you do achieve. The hardest thing is the mind game of keeping positive. But the process makes you immeasurably stronger, which helps in all parts of your life.

Wishing you all the very best, and do keep us updated. I think we all so want to help you on your way

[ggirl]

yes write a blog - you have a talent

[TalkinPeace]

Well done OP
and do take up the offer of the CBT as it will help move your head to where it needs to be to work with the butterfly that will appear out of your chrysalis

[travailtotravel]

Keep willing! Thanks for !motivating me again too. Lost 1.5, plenty more for me to go...

[PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom]

Well done! A stone! What a fucking marvellous start.

It will be a long, hard journey. But you can do it. 2.2 stone and you've lost 10% of your weight. And you are a stone there already.

[LineRunner]

You write so well. Did you know that?

[AuditAngel]

Congratulations on dancing your problems. A loss of a stone is fantastic.

I weigh 101.7 kg, I don't know what that is in stones, I prefer not to know.

I have also this week confirmed that I don't like my belly sitting on my lap, and I would like to wake up without my knees aching..

Small steps. Can I keep talking about this with you. I'm away on business next week. I'll see how I get on. Better food, but less snacking. Should avoid the pasta (in Rome!)

[Didthistomyself]

Morning everyone,

Thanks again for all these lovely comments :) I am sticking with the meal-replacement VLCD at the moment but the advice about food management will be very useful in the future. And thanks to those who have said I write well! That's a surprise, but a nice one

As for the CBT, I am absolutely taking them up on the offer but there is a wait of a few weeks. I am a bit nervous but also looking forward to it. I'd like to get to the bottom of this.

Well, my mile walk yesterday left my feet in a right mess! I have to go to London tomorrow for meetings - lots of walking - so I'm looking up ways to stop getting so many blisters. I do have some proper trainers somewhere, from my less lumpish. I'll dig those out and see how they fit. Tips welcome!

In two weeks we are supposed to be going to Harry Potter World for a relative's birthday. It's booked and paid for and I've been dreading it. All that standing and walking in a hot, enclosed space, surrounded by tiny children who are much more likely to point and blurt out something about the fat lady. And of course the toilets. The dreaded too-small toilets. DH suggested I think of it as something to 'train' for - I'm trying, and hoping it will keep me doing my short walks every day until then.

I have also been through my wardrobe and put away all the clothes that don't fit. I've categorised them by size, and have kept out only what fits me so I don't have to scroll past loads of clothes, feeling terrible about myself. I have just kept out two pairs of jeggings which are my 'trying-on' things. I can try them on every week and see how I am progressing. They're in the last size I forced myself could bring myself to buy, but I'm not in them so god knows what size I actually am.

Audit I am so with you on the knees!! I'm only in 30s, I shouldn't have aching knees yet!

[HeinousPieTrap]

might lanacane/vaseline help with the blisters? Is it the bottom of your feet or between toes etc - if the latter it might help.

I'm sorry you've been dreading HPW so much. It can only help to keep up the walking. How are you doing with that, is it feeling any easier or at least more normal? And bear in mind although children can say cruel things, they can also be the ones who care least about outward appearances and much more about someone who has time and patience for them.

Good work with the clothes! Everyone should do that....

[NickiFury]

Harry Potter quite spacious. The only place you all have to stand together is at the very beginning so don't worry about that .

Skechers Go Walk for walking. They're like walking on air. Kept me going for two weeks at disney and universal in Florida walking about 15 km a day.

Good luck .

[PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom]

Just remember that children blurt stuff out because it holds no moral judgement or embarrassment. It is no different to them from saying the tall man or the blond lady (or indeed things like the brown lady ).

Well done! I wonder how much you can lose before you go?