I have got so fat I can't wipe my own arse

[Didthistomyself]

Not a poo troll. I wish I was making this up. Regular; name changed because I am so ashamed of myself.

Always been big, always eaten way too much but always had a good shape and been fairly active. Last few years been less active due to change in job and a surgical procedure I need. Now almost entirely sedentary.

I knew the weight was piling on. I knew I was too big to sit comfortably in a cinema seat without slotting myself in sideways. I knew I was too big for anyone to sit next to me on the train unless they literally had no other option. I knew I was too big to walk more than a few metres in a skirt without shredding my thighs until they bleed. I knew I was too big to go anywhere that I didn't know I'd be able to sit down and give my poor back a rest. I knew I was too big to wear anything but vast leggings and tent-like smocks. I knew I was too big to sit on an unfamiliar chair for fear it broke. I knew I was the reason our bed broke. I knew my constant acid reflux and diarrhoea were down to my diet.

And the worst of all: I knew I was too fat to conceive.

I knew that was the problem. I knew that's why I wasn't getting pregnant. I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, and yet I ignored all of these things until I realised two weeks ago that I wasn't using the disabled toilet because I wanted more space for my bag and coat and it was cleaner; I was using it because only in there could I reliably spread wide enough and lean forward far enough to wipe myself properly. Like one of those people you see on TV who has to be washed in bed. Who have to have the wall taken down to get out of their house. That's where I was going.

Went to the GP and cried. They weighed me and I cried harder: 22st 13lb. And I'm short. I'm really short. Never mind over 30; my BMI is over 55 :(

I don't know how I have got here and how I will get back. It just seems like an impossible mountain to climb. There's so much to go.

My GP recommended a VLCD and cognitive behavioural therapy. Said it would get the weight off fast until I could have my surgery and then I might be motivated to carry on. Maybe I might be able to have a baby. I am lucky because at my health centre they have a dedicated obesity clinic. They are monitoring me closely.

Started a week ago. Weighed today: lost a stone. Miles to go, and I know that it will usually be more like 3lb, but it's something. It's a start. And today I went for a walk. Just a mile. It took me 40 minutes :(

I don't even miss food. What I miss is feeling like a normal person. What I miss is my husband talking about having children. What I miss is feeling like everyone doesn't stare at me when I walk down the street. What I miss is not thinking I am going to die before I'm 40.

Thanks to anyone who has read this. Just needed to confess to someone how bad it has got.

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

Didn't want to read and run. Very impressed at losing a stone in a week - very inspirational as I also have a lot of weight to lose and cannot motivate myself at all.

My top tip from previous weightloss is to measure yourself. You will have weeks where the scales barely move but you will have shed inches. No idea how or why that is [muscle weighs more than fat probably] but it's nice to track that there have been changes.

Definitely start a blog! And massive Good Luck !

[CotedePablo]

Go you! I have a big smile all over my face reading about how well you've done!
Keep us updated..

[HumptyDumptyBumpty]

Blimey! You've already lost nearly 5% of your total body weight - what an achievement! Do it again, and you're 10% lighter, which is frankly incredible. You should definitely be proud proud proud of yourself.

[MorrisZapp]

Blimey. A stone in a week? Well, now you no longer have the excuse 'I can't do it' because you demonstrably can!

I'm on a diet just now too (who isn't) and yes it's hard going. But its bloody worth it. I was walking past the Krispy Crème cabinet in Tescos earlier, thinking to myself ooh I'll have one of those in the not too distant future, and it will be FINE. It's not bloody illegal, it's just a donut.

It's all out there. A healthy, balanced, active life with room for indulgences. You know what you have to do kid. May mumsnet go with you xx

[netty7070]

A stone is incredible - well done!

Even if you lost a pound a week, that's almost 4 stone a year. And you'll probably lose far quicker than that, at least at the start.

You have a disordered relationship with food. You're not bad, a failure, or greedy. You need help, and it sounds like it's available which is great.

[LaurieFairyCake]

I think you should consider writing a blog, your writing is really good and it might be good to log your journey.

You're wonderful

[DramaAlpaca]

Well done OP, you can do this

[flightywoman]

Well done on all your achievements this week - you have a lot you can be proud of.

If you're interested, these are things that work for me...

I measured what I had to lose in pounds rather than stones - because every loss was a measurable movement down. With stones it can feel like you get stuck in the same stone bracket for ages, I found that dispiriting. But pounds, look at them fall!

I also kept my own list of motivational things I had achieved - like seeing the changes in my body, wearing a smaller size etc. that was nice to read when I felt hopeless.

And finally, if you have a wobble try not to get into the mindset of "I've blown it now, I'll forget it for the rest of the week". There are 21 meals in a week. Don't let one poorly chosen meal affect the other 20. Don't let one difficult day dictate the rest of your life.

This is a lifestyle change, it's not a diet, and you're going to succeed and live it well.

[OffTheBackOfALaurie]

You have done incredibly well!

I lost 25% of my weight a few years ago, and once I was into the groove, had new habits, it was so much easier and I was kicking myself for not having done it sooner. You have taken the initiative now, and every week it will be a little (or big) way to things being better!

Very soon your new eating habits and exercise (walking) habit will feel like second nature, and you will be cruising along.

Well done!

[crumpetbutter]

Well done on that stone op!

Please don't shred the skin on your legs though. Get the Evans comfort shorts - they are great and have changed my life m.evans.co.uk/h5/products?categoryFilter=209438,1123752

[HellKitty]

Keep walking!
A friend of ours was extremely overweight and he decided to change. He's 42, trouble with his knees and diabetes T2. He walked everyday, short trips then longer ones. Sometimes tracking them on FB he'd manage 4-5 miles a day. He looks fantastic now! He's now smaller than my DP (who is average size), people don't recognise him anymore. In 6 months he's dropped his jeans size from 42+ to 34". His wife started walking with him and she's dropped weight too and they're happier together than I've ever known.

You can do this

[shockedballoon]

Just wanted to pop on to say well done - and I mean that in a totally whole-hearted way.
You sound very down but dispite this you've made an amazing start - you have my full respect (not that you need it, but you know what I mean)! Hopefully posting on here and seeing some of the positive responses will help give you a boost and the determination to continue. Sounds like you have a good GP which is always a massive help.
I wish you all the best and hope you get down to the weight you need to be in order to live the life you want.

[Burmama]

Just wanted to second what everyone above said, including that you're a really great writer. Well done on the first stone, keep going, you can do it! Hugs

[Slimmerforsummer]

Bravo OP! You have really made some v positive steps to help yourself lead a more pleasurable life.

When I started my weight loss journey I made a "positive poster" - part shows a graph of my weight loss and weekly targets, the rest has motivations pictures- A pic of a wedding dress, a baby scan, outfits I'd love to wear- and quotes /mantras. Its taped on my kitchen cupboard so I see it Everytime I go into the kitchen and it's really helped me so far.

[angemorange]

Well done getting through the first week! You've taken the first hard steps....Good luck over the next few months :)

[BigSpottyCupofTea]

Bloody hell OP, you are amazing! You should be so extraordinarily proud of yourself. I know what you mean about weight creeping on but you're doing something about it now and you should be so pleased. Can't wait for your updates.

[Leviticus]

You have lost a stone and walked a mile. The signs for your recovery from this situation are so positive. Best of luck.

[WipsGlitter]

A stone!! Amazing, well done!!!

[Arsenic]

Go you!

You're going to need a more positive NN though

[Leviticus]

And please keep posting, I'd love to read your journey.

[MonstrousRatbag]

I found your candour very moving. You are very brave and I admire you for starting this. So don't take what I say next as discouragement:

There will be setbacks along the way, there always are. Please don't lose heart and do your best to be kind to yourself through all the difficulties. Good luck.

[BernardlookImaprostituterobotf]

Well done - on your courage, your insight, your perseverance ( you didn't do just a mile - you did 40 minutes despite how I'm sure you were feeling) and your success.

I am an intelligent, educated woman who works really hard - so being lazy or ignorant of the correct choices is not why I got fat (and I am still fat but I'm getting there) the assumptions made were far from the truth. I'm actually really heartened to hear you'll have access to CBT - was it useful to have access to dietary tips and support? Of course but I am fat because I used food to self harm. Basically.

All of my family are morbidly obese emotional eaters. I also had a dysfunctional abusive childhood. I have tried so many times to get a handle on things but until I got help to tackle the cause & fix my problems I couldn't fix the symptoms of those problems. So I had the shame and self loathing of failure...

I'm not trying to project my reasons on to you but do want to say - you are worth this investment. You are worth every step you walk, every meal you approach in a new way and every gram closer to where you want to be. You deserve health and happiness. You may falter but you don't need to see that as failure. You deserve the results of caring for yourself because you are worth that love and care - you are as worth it now as you will be when you reach your goal.
You don't need guilt or negative self talk because you are investing in becoming healthy, fit and strong and it is not a sprint to a size x, it is a journey that includes changing how you relate to yourself and learning to see success in overcoming the obstacles that are difficult for you and not failure in meeting those obstacles in the first place.
You kicked denial into touch - from there you can go anywhere.
So no negative voice! No "I only did a mile and it took 40 minutes" and more "I did a mile - I found it hard and still kept going. I did 40 minutes of exercise today. I'm pretty fucking great actually" - the person we hear from most is ourselves, don't let that voice be one that denigrates and discourages you - even if you feel a right plum making a self conscious positive remark do it, you might be surprised how often you need to change your response to yourself because your immediate voice is highly critical.
Keep going - you're doing fabulously

[KateSpade]

I'm of a similar mindset op & I'm also very short, I'm 5ft tall & weigh 12 stone,

It's got to the point that none of my clothes fit, on a weekend/day off I'm wearing jogging bottoms, I'm so embarrassed & like your user name it did this to myself.

If you ever need anyone to talk too, feel free to message me!