I have got so fat I can't wipe my own arse

[Didthistomyself]

Not a poo troll. I wish I was making this up. Regular; name changed because I am so ashamed of myself.

Always been big, always eaten way too much but always had a good shape and been fairly active. Last few years been less active due to change in job and a surgical procedure I need. Now almost entirely sedentary.

I knew the weight was piling on. I knew I was too big to sit comfortably in a cinema seat without slotting myself in sideways. I knew I was too big for anyone to sit next to me on the train unless they literally had no other option. I knew I was too big to walk more than a few metres in a skirt without shredding my thighs until they bleed. I knew I was too big to go anywhere that I didn't know I'd be able to sit down and give my poor back a rest. I knew I was too big to wear anything but vast leggings and tent-like smocks. I knew I was too big to sit on an unfamiliar chair for fear it broke. I knew I was the reason our bed broke. I knew my constant acid reflux and diarrhoea were down to my diet.

And the worst of all: I knew I was too fat to conceive.

I knew that was the problem. I knew that's why I wasn't getting pregnant. I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, and yet I ignored all of these things until I realised two weeks ago that I wasn't using the disabled toilet because I wanted more space for my bag and coat and it was cleaner; I was using it because only in there could I reliably spread wide enough and lean forward far enough to wipe myself properly. Like one of those people you see on TV who has to be washed in bed. Who have to have the wall taken down to get out of their house. That's where I was going.

Went to the GP and cried. They weighed me and I cried harder: 22st 13lb. And I'm short. I'm really short. Never mind over 30; my BMI is over 55 :(

I don't know how I have got here and how I will get back. It just seems like an impossible mountain to climb. There's so much to go.

My GP recommended a VLCD and cognitive behavioural therapy. Said it would get the weight off fast until I could have my surgery and then I might be motivated to carry on. Maybe I might be able to have a baby. I am lucky because at my health centre they have a dedicated obesity clinic. They are monitoring me closely.

Started a week ago. Weighed today: lost a stone. Miles to go, and I know that it will usually be more like 3lb, but it's something. It's a start. And today I went for a walk. Just a mile. It took me 40 minutes :(

I don't even miss food. What I miss is feeling like a normal person. What I miss is my husband talking about having children. What I miss is feeling like everyone doesn't stare at me when I walk down the street. What I miss is not thinking I am going to die before I'm 40.

Thanks to anyone who has read this. Just needed to confess to someone how bad it has got.

[mugglingalong]

I have less to lose but still need to go down a few notches on my BMI. You have made a fantastic start well done. I just wanted to say not to dread HPW too much. We haven't been but I know that the last thing my 3dc would be focusing on in HPW is the weight of anyone around them. They would be far too excited. Just think if you keep going like this then in two weeks your relatives will notice that you have lost some weight, and by the time the birthday comes around next year you could be at your ideal weight.

[CadiM]

Probably one of the most helpful things for me at the start of losing a few stones was getting fitted for good trainers. I went to a local running shop and they were fab, and the shoes made such a difference to how long I could walk comfortably and stand still too (tested in theme parks...). I felt a bit nervous going into the shop but never once felt judged.

[Uncomplete]

Well done OP!

If you need some inspiration, I can recommend you google 'Catherine Powell Slimming World'. She is an online acquaintance of mine and she amazingly went from a size 28 to a size 8 in 2yrs. Her tipping point came when she was told she would need a knee replacement but was too overweight to have the surgery.

You've made an excellent start, a stone off in a week is incredible and to walk for 40mins too shows you are determined enough to do it this time. Good luck!

[KateSpade]

I've just googled Catherine Powell uncomplete & started reading her letter to her younger self & started to cry,

Blooming heck, she's done well & is a nice bit of inspiration, so thank you!

[Littlefish]

I'm so impressed that you only have to wait a few weeks for your CBT appointment. The waiting list in my area is 2 years, yes, 2 years!

Good luck with the counselling. I truly believe that counselling is the way forward for most people with a long standing eating disorder.

[Josecanyousing]

Have you considered asking your GP to refer you to physiotherapy? They can teach you specific exercises to strengthen your legs, core etc which will help ease the pressure on your knees. I attended physio group sessions for obese people and I have to say it was fantastic. Within 3 weeks of doing the specific exercises everyday I no longer had pain in my knees, I could stand straight up from a chair and I could walk up a hill without stopping for breath! It really improved my life and I still do the exercises everyday.

(I was 27.5 stone BTW )

[MorrisZapp]

Agree about the trainers. They'll cost the guts of a hundred quid but it's money well spent. My running shop were brilliant with me, despite my horrible running technique and lack of knowledge.

[Uncomplete]

Kate isn't she amazing? She is a consultant for Slimming World now as she's a fantastic 'success story' for them (and she truly believes in their eating plan as it obviously works) but it does also show that it's possible to really change eating habits and keep the weight off.

[frankie80]

I felt teary reading this. I'm overweight myself although not as much as you but I feel scared and ashamed myself.

Well done on losing 1 stone, you will get there and you're already an inspiration. You've made me feel I should really make more of an effort myself so thank you for that.

Please keep us all updated on your progress, we will be cheering you on.

[Didthistomyself]

Hi all,

It is such a support to come back to this thread and read your comments! I am very grateful.

Yesterday was a really hard day. I was in London for meetings all day and it seemed like everything revolved around food! Pastries in the morning, then a lunch put on for clients, with wine, then a bar visit later, and then a barbecue on the lawn! Nightmare. I am pleased to say I stuck to my meal-replacements but I had to give myself several stern talkings-to throughout the day. I kept thinking that I couldn't face coming back to the thread and letting you all down so quickly.

Ironically, my nemeses the toilets were my saviours. Everywhere we went had tiny cubicles where I had to crab-walk in sideways, rear backwards to shut the door, and then sit half on the seat and half on the sanitary bin :( It was rotten but kept reminding me why I have got to do this now. I also didn't like squirrelling off to take my meal-replacements in secret (often in the loos) but maybe I will get more confident as I go on. I don't know. At the moment it feels like it would just draw even more attention to myself and I would get loads of well-meaning people telling me I should just cut out sugar, or whatever.

I also wore a pedometer, which I bought years ago and never used. I was pleasantly surprised to see how many steps I did just walking around London, and I was also able to keep track of water intake. It was interesting to see that I can walk a couple of miles, split into little bits, without even really noticing it. I'm going to keep wearing it and see if I can just increase my activity a little bit every day. For a start I need to start fetching things around the house for myself instead of always asking my lovely, obliging DH to do it for me.

So a very long day, a very hard day, but one in which I was ultimately victorious over the devil on my shoulder.

A couple of people have mentioned the CBT and the possibility of physio. Honestly I would feel terrible asking for physio. I feel that I don't deserve it. There is a thread on here at the moment about what a drain people like me are on the NHS. I feel guilty enough about the fact that I will access CBT more quickly than some other people who desperately need it, because I just happen to live somewhere with a funded obesity clinic. It's like using the disabled loos: I feel guilty about it, thinking that people who are disabled through no fault of their own might have to wait while I'm in there.

I will take up the CBT though, when there is a place, because I do need it. I need to know why I've done this. I need to know why I gorge myself. I need to know why I plan my routine so I'll have time to binge in secret. I need to know why I panic if I don't feel so full it's painful. I need to know what it is I'm afraid of. I don't think anyone would think it strange for someone who doesn't eat at all to have therapy, so perhaps this is just the other side of the coin.

Uncomplete, thanks for mentioning that lady. I found her story very inspirational. I am going to think about getting some proper trainers now!

[Didthistomyself]

Oh and P.S. I do of course know that kids don't say things in order to be hurtful. In fact my friends' kids often compete to sit on me as I'm so well-padded and must be very comfortable! But it's having everyone else hear it that fills me with horror. Thanks to those who've reassured me about the HPW experience.

[Preminstreltension]

great update did

I did a vlcd for two months and remember the issue around hiding it and not wanting to draw attention to being on a regime for fear of having to get into the "have you tried low fat spread?" conversation. People mean well but you end up sounding defensive because what you want to say is "of course I've tried low fat spread - do you think I am a complete idiot? The problem I have is not a lack of low fat spread" but instead you nod and smile and fume inside.

I actually found the vlcd very helpful as a way of taking food off the table altogether for a while. Food was just something I didn't do for a period of time. Don't let people knock it for you - people are quite anti-vlcds because they think they are not a long term solution but those people don't understand that you need to fix an immediate problem first before you can look at maintenance. Losing 10 stone at a pound of week seems impossible but losing 2 stone in two months feels like something and as you make progress you gain confidence.

I've also encountered hostility to bariatric surgery which family members have had - in one case with huge success. People want to view it as "cheating" and the easy way out. It's all tied up with this view of fatness as a moral failing. You don't need to get involved with that kind of thinking - you are just tackling a problem that you have in a practical way.

Keep posting!

[TheCowThatLaughs]

Hi Did, while you're waiting for CBT, you could try some self-help books? I used to have loads but have given them to the charity shop, or I would have sent them to you. I had a few by geneen Roth, susie orbach, and one called brain over binge, can't remember the author of that though.
I did find them helpful and it made me realise that I wasn't alone in having a bingeing problem.
It's great that you know there's a problem and you're trying to understand it. It took me years to work that out.
It also struck a chord with me what you said about getting up and getting things for yourself. When I started doing that, instead of just sitting because it was easier and more comfortable than moving my too-big body, it then gradually became easier for me to move. And obviously it uses more energy

[TheCowThatLaughs]

Or maybe read the books if you decide to come off the VLCD at any point

[Jasmineskye]

I'm posting so I can find this again because I want to cheer you on and (hopefully) be a source of support. I am currently undertaking training to enable me to be a 'consultant' for the Cambridge weight plan which I know is a VLCD and it worked wonders for me :)

[Parsley1234]

Well done ! I lost 30lbs 4 years ago with lighter life gained 9 back and went back and am at target again if you do lighter life you get CBT with the groups it is fantastic ! Keep moving forward it s a great achievement xxx

[frankie80]

I use disabled loos and I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't be annoyed to see you using them but you're doing something to change that, and that's good. Well done on sticking to your meals despite the cakes and wine!

[gonegrey56]

You are doing so well - brilliant!
I have a pedometer called a Fitbit. I wear it every day and have lost weight simply by sticking to a modest activity target and generally cutting portion sizes. The exercise tracking really boosts my sense of achieving something / making progress. Maybe this would also help you? I sync mine with my phone and keep an eye on how much I have managed each day .
Wishing you all the best !

[ShelaghTurner]

You're doing so well! I know exactly the sort of day you mean yesterday and coming through it in one piece is a remarkable achievement.

Funny you mentioned fetching things round the house for yourself instead of asking others. This is one thing I need to stop doing. My two girls are fabulous servants. I need to stop that too.

And, although I have never had a Fitbit, I have an apple watch and I'm sure the effect is the same. It's made me quite competitive in terms of steps per day and meeting my activity targets. The bloody thing bleeps and vibrates at me if I sit down too long! But it works.

[MargolottaOfUberwold]

Did I don't think you know how inspirational you are.

[Knackerelli]

Without wanting to sound patronising; well done! You've done the hard thing which is facing up to things. A stone is fantastic! And you're not doing it on your own ( both here and medical support) and you've already started incorporating exercise. What does your DH say?

[Stealthpolarbear]

how are you doing op?
just to reiterate despite the fact it might take a little while to achieve your goal you'll be surprised how many little victories you have along the way. obvious one is dropping clothes sizes. keep one pair of bigger trousers to marvel and see how far you've come.
one for me was joint pain. I'd grown to live with it, assumed it was normal. it vanished at a particular weight and hasn't returned.
another is spotting your body shape changing and actually feeling lighter in yourself. it gives me such a buzz even though I still can see I have wobbly bits!

[Ishoos]

Echo all the supportive posts, you sound amazing. Don't beat yourself up if you slip off the wagon, just get back on, I agree that printing off your post to re-read will help, and the pedometer is a great idea - I have a fit bit and have gone from about 2000 steps a day to 10000 most days. I'm 2lb off five stone lost and the only thing I would add that I don't think you've mentioned is drinks, I used to drink gallons of diet coke, but now drink lots of water, hot, cold, fizzy. Now if I drink pop it tastes too sweet. Sending you a very unmumsnetty hug.

[Pispcina]

Hi OP,

I just want to say how lovely you sound, and how well I think you are doing.

I haven't got any useful info, I'm sorry, but having just caught up with your thread I am so impressed at your honesty and determination.

All the very best to you